When You’re A Jet You’re A Jet All The Way

By Eric Silver

Americans like football. New Yorkers like football. You, typical NYU student, probably do not like football. But this week, something ridiculous happened involving the New York Jets (they’re the green ones) and their quarterbacks (the guy who throws the ball to the other players, just so you know). Fear not; NYU Brocal is here to fill you in on what’s going on and why its such a big deal. Here is your exclusive guide to The NY Jets QB.

Okay, so what happened on Sunday?
As resident sports expert Joe Kozlowski explained yesterday, the Jets-Cardinals game was ugly. Like Real-Housewives-of-NJ ugly (Frank, did I get that right?). Mark Sanchez, the current Jets quarterback, kind of forgot how to play football, and threw three interceptions and less than 100 yards. The Jets fans were booing Sanchez like he was trying to ban extra-large soft drinks.

HA! Topical humor.
Coach Rex Ryan had enough, and brought in third-string quarterback Greg McElroy, a guy who’s played as many snaps in the NFL as you have. And somehow, McElroy led the Jets offense down the field, scoring the only touchdown of the game. And, what would you know, the Jets won!

That’s it? They won one game. Not such a big deal.
No, but it seriously was. The Jets fans booed Sanchez throughout THE ENTIRE GAME. Think of a Bruce Springstien concert, but not “BRUUUUUUUUUCE.” And when McElroy came in, everyone kind of lost it. Here, let Broadway performer, composer and lyricist Lin-Manuel Miranda explain it for you:

Ohhhh, I get it! I bet Mark Sanchez is pretty sad.
The way he holds this clipboard is just depressing.

Sports are so crazy!
Right? The best part is the audience — I mean, the fans — scream obscenities and have way too much of their time and pride invested in guys who they’ve never met in real life. Like did you hear that Fireman Ed quit his post and deleted his twitter account? I mean, what is that about?

Fireman Ed? Is he the Jets’ mascot?
No, just a fan. He’s been cheering on the Jets in a fireman’s hat since 1986.

And is he a fireman?
No one’s really sure. Maybe? But he’s important! He leads the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS chant.

That is the dumbest chant in the history of everything.
I mean… But… Okay, it is pretty dumb.

Wait, third-string quarterback? What about the second-string?
The backup, Tim Tebow, was injured with bruised ribs.

Wait, I know Tebow! Isn’t he Sexy Jesus and told everyone he hated abortion during the Super Bowl?
Yep, that guy. But no worries, he’ll be back ready for next week.

Next week? The season’s not over yet?
Nope. The Jets still have four games left to play this season. And they need a starting quarterback.

So who are The Jets gonna go with? Depressed Sanchez Guy, the new upstart, or Jesus?
At the Monday press conference, Rex Ryan swears that he “had three good quarterbacks.” But no one is really sure where those three good QBs have been hiding all season. So, to answer your question: none of ‘em.

Don’t you have any butt-related news about the Jets?
Ah, you missed that one by a week.

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