One Direction Deathmatch: Which Of The Boys Ended Up On Top?
By Frank Costa
There used to be a time when a Belieber was the most annoying person you could talk to. Well, as the world progresses, so does the fandom world, which is often a separate realm from reality, and it includes fanfiction, obsessive fans, and people who will photoshop you into any situation.
If you don’t know what a Belieber or a Directioner is, though, let me welcome you to the world of hyper-fandom. A Belieber is someone who is obsessed with lesbian pop singer Justin Bieber, while a Directioner is someone who has an unbearable love for the members of boy band One Direction.
One Direction members are like the plastics. They’re teen royalty, and Big Time Rush or any other basic boy band right now cannot even come close to competing with them. At NYU Local, it’s our goal to bring you groundbreaking news, so let’s start by discussing the most hard-hitting questions. Who is the hottest member of One Direction? Who has the best style? And can any of them actually sing?
Most Sex Appeal — Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson
It’s undeniable that Zayn and Louis are the hottest. We have no way to prove this. Well, actually we do. We know Niall is not the hottest. Sorry, Niall. Don’t yell at us, though. Niall is cute, but he’s not hot. People have to recognize that there is a difference between cute, hot, and beautiful.
Zayn and Louis are a combination of all three, which means they’re gorgeous. Zayn appeals mostly to the female demographic, while Louis attracts a different demographic which I don’t think I need to explain. I think we can all figure that one out.
Best Vocals — Liam Payne
Let’s just roll back the audition tapes from when the boys were all on X Factor. Liam’s voice needs no explanation. Aside from Liam, Harry Styles comes in second. This should be no surprise, however, since both Styles and Payne are featured on most of the tracks while Louis and Niall get maybe one or two lines to sing. Louis’ voice is still undeveloped, as are his looks.
Just as he gets hotter with age, his voice will get better too. I can bet Lindsay Lohan’s life on that one. As for Niall, he has what we call “Sporty Spice Syndrome,” which means that he is the member of One Direction most underrated and underappreciated. (A Ringo complex?) Also, he is barely anyone’s favorite. Poor, poor Niall!
Best Hair — Harry Styles
I don’t know how Harry does it. His hair doesn’t even look real. It’s like God sculpts it every day with gel made out of heaven. I can’t even tell if his hair is meant to look messy or if it is just an organized chaos. Either way, he makes it look like styling his hair is a piece of cake. Teach us your ways, Harry Styles.
P.S. Zayn was a contendor for best hair, but like the rent, Zayn’s hair is too damn high!
Most Likely to Win a Fight — Zayn Malik
I might be throwing darts here, but he’s the bad boy of One Direction. He just always has this pouty look on his face like Taylor Swift just ripped out his heart. I’m scared he might be a little scrappy. Hopefully, I will never have to be in a fight with Zayn. On the other hand, if the boys of One Direction ever do have a fight, I will be there to suggest that they have a naked wrestling battle to settle the matters. That seems like it would be the classiest solution.
Most Likely to Be Boyfriend Material — Liam Payne
Liam is just a Nicholas Sparks novel all packaged into one little British boy. I mean, if this kid has his own Urban Dictionary definition, he must be legit. Apparently, if you are “a Liam Payne,” then “you must be Jesus reincarnated.” I wonder how the other boys feel about this. I guess I’ll have to ask them next time that I casually have lunch with them (and by “have lunch with them” I mean “stalk them on Twitter.”)
Most Stylish — Louis Tomlinson
Louis is similar to a lot of NYU guys: He loves to shop at Topman, he is quite sassy, and, oh yeah, he is also probably also in the closet. I am not saying that he is or he isn’t. All I am saying is that I am single.
Louis just has swag and sass, which in my opinion, is the perfect combination. Yes, Zayn would probably win the physical fight, but Louis could cut through all of you basics with his majestic words of shade. He has his personal style and flair, so he wins this award hands down.
Best Vogue Photo + Overall Winner — Liam Payne
Most people say that Zayn Malik is the hottest of the boy band. While that may be true in some occasions, I don’t know what is going on with Zayn’s hair in the Vogue photoshoot. His hair is the size of his face. The same problem applies to Harry Styles. It almost seems as if their hair is slowly taking over their face and sooner they will have no forehead like Teresa Giudice.
On the other hand, Niall’s solo shot makes him look constipated. I can’t tell if he needs to go to the bathroom or if he was just born with that stank face. Louis comes into a close second place behind Liam
Payne. I have to admit that Louis truly owned this photo shoot. He is embracing the Tyra Banks smize, giving us those sultry eyes. If it weren’t for Liam’s suave pose, I would choose Louis in a heartbeat, but Mr. Payne is working it like his name is Kate Moss. Liam just takes all the awards.
At NYU Local, we love boy bands more than Oprah loves giving away free stuff. Thankfully, YouTube sensation Tyler Oakley has provided us with sufficient information on how to stalk the boys of One Direction. However, if you ever need tips on finding your celebrity crush, you can always count us to help you out too.
