Why December Birthdays Are the Worst

Not even a snow day could make a forgotten birthday any better.

I can say with unspeakable certainty, that having a December birthday is the absolute worst. Now, this isn’t to say that winter isn’t the best season (which it is), or that there’s anything wrong with birthdays as a concept. But rather, the entire month itself is exhausting. Between major winter holidays, final exams, and the crippling fear that comes with the end of the year, there’s very little you can do to lessen the damage that December inflicts upon your psyche.

Obviously, the most significant reason that December birthdays are the worst, is because of Christmas. Scratch that, Christmas is the reason that all other December holidays suck. The second Cyber Monday ends, it’s as if the entire month of November passes by at 1.5x speed, fast-forwarding straight to Christmas. Every coffee shop suddenly has tacky Christmas garlands in the window, with Mariah Carey or WHAM! blasting on repeat. “Pumpkin Spice” crawls its way back into existence, and every major sidewalk morphs into a jungle of pine trees. It makes living life as a non-Christmas person excruciatingly painful and inconvenient. Furthermore, should you be cursed with a birthday that shares a month with Christmas, it’s as if you cease to exist completely.

Even for the most low-maintenance, non-attention seeking people, birthdays are the only socially acceptable time when you can command attention and validation. Being “the birthday bitch” is everybody’s dream — but for December babies, it is a dream that get squashed under Santa’s heavy heel. Nobody cares about your birthday when Christmas is around the corner, but the rare person that does, gives you a gift that’s “both a Christmas AND a birthday gift.” Talk about a cop-out. Stop using Christmas as an excuse for erasing December birthdays — birthday equality for all. Please.

Finally, the worst part of being born in December, is being a Sagittarius. But, if you’re really lucky, you may be born a Capricorn. Realistically, Sag-season is a horrifying time filled with nostalgia, unease, and ever-growing impatience. From cute couples taking up the entire sidewalk, to the terrible pedestrians who never look up from their phones as they walk, nobody is safe from the wrath of a Sag at our peak. As if to add insult to injury, this year Sagittarius season alined perfectly with Mercury’s full-retrograde. Fuck me, fuck Sagittarians, and fuck December birthdays.