What International Students Think About Your (American) Dating Habits
By Betina Paglioli
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Dating in New York is hard enough as it is, but it can be even worse when you’re from an entirely different country. We asked eight NYU international students to talk about their experiences dating and connecting to Americans. Here are their (anonymous) responses.
BRAZIL
The biggest difference is that for us making out is pretty chill, you know? What I realized with Americans is that if you make out with them the way we do in Brazil, they get the wrong idea. I’m always scared that they’re going to assume that kissing is anything more than “I’m kind of interested in you.”
The first guy I went out with here, while we were making out he asked me, “Should I get a condom?” and I was like “No, we’re not having sex,” and I kept making out with him. Then he asked, “So, what are we doing then?” and I was just like, “Well, what do you mean? We’re doing this!” He tried to sound really nice as he was asking me what was the point in “this.” So American, right?
Dates are weird to me. The first time I went on a date with an American guy I was so nervous because I felt like we had no intimacy whatsoever. I really didn’t know how to behave. Dates are very serious and very adult-like. When I think of dates, I think of thirty year olds desperate to get married. For me, dating is meeting a 20 year-old that is a friend of a friend at a bar, thinking he’s cute, and then your friend making things happen. If it works out they get your number. And then you still don’t go on a date, you say things like: “Everyone’s going to that bar on Friday, will you be there? I hope so.” I don’t know why I would put myself through the experience of being forced to talk to someone, but not even knowing if you like them. But I think I’m adapting, I hope.
I had a lot of platonic relationships in Brazil. There would be no insinuation going on. I feel like here people have a circle of personal space that they only allow a few careful chosen people to penetrate. It’s harder to meet people here — they’re anti-social. And I don’t know if I want to hook up with anyone in my circles. I think that in Brazil I wouldn’t care, but here it’s complicated.
NIGERIA
“I’m sometimes taken aback by the hook-up culture here and how people are able to be intimate with people they just met 2 seconds ago. People are more upfront, in a way, here. In Nigeria, when you would get hit on, mostly a guy would come up to you and say he wanted to be your friend, not like ‘I think you’re pretty, let’s go out.’ Guys do walk up to you in Nigeria but they try to hide their motives.
“In Nigeria, many types of men can be possessive (mostly the ones raised with no form of outside influence) and feel like they should have a say in your life. I didn’t think that was a thing here until someone I guess I was ‘minorly’ flirting with thought it was okay to grab me and tell me to walk with him instead of my friends.
“The whole friends with benefits thing isn’t really popular but people do it on the down low in Nigeria. People don’t say publicly that they are just in it for the sex. Relationships like that are generally frowned upon and condemned. It’s not so prevalent to have one-night stands — if you’re hooking up I think you must know the person at least a little bit. It’s much more pervasive here — I think there’s less pressure on girls to repress their sexual urges.”
TURKEY
“People are so forward here. Back in my country, it’s hard to get to know someone and actually form a relationship. It’s like a long process, there’s a lot of formalities involved, but here it’s just like, ‘Hi, I like you, let’s like fuck or whatever.’ In Turkey, dating is not really popular. Of course there are people who date, but it’s not as often. It’s not like you would meet someone you don’t know from another part of town.
“Relationships in Turkey were all full of misunderstandings. You start off as friends, it’s so tricky, so there’s a lot of awkwardness. But here guys are so straightforward and they know what they want, so it’s better.
“The way Americans approach relationships is very open and not monogamous. In Turkey if there’s gonna be cheating it’s cheating, but here it’s like, ‘No! We didn’t talk about monogamy!’ That just feels weird. Automatically, if I’m seeing someone, I don’t even look at other people.
“Back home, there are friends with benefits, but it’s not well-known. We don’t have many one night stands. You date from the same social pool, so if there’s a one night stand it’s gonna be super awkward.
“I feel like men here don’t take charge as much. Most of the guys seem less interested, they seem lazy, and that’s kind of weird. But honestly, in America, you have access to a lot more people. You’re able to get to know so many people from different parts of the world. I guess that’s why it’s shocking to me, because back home everyone is the same.”
IRELAND
“People were more upfront in Ireland. Here they lead in with conversation before asking for a date, while at home it was straight to the point. I think young people are more sexually-minded in Ireland. Being friends with benefits is very common. It’s certainly much easier to form platonic relationships in America. American hook-up culture actually pales in comparison to the hook-up culture in my hometown. Long-term relationships just aren’t as prevalent there and casual once off/very short-term arrangements are the commonplace.
“I keep seeing women chasing guys and throwing themselves at them here and it’s just so novel. I’ve actually seen a few cases recently where the guy will tell the woman that he’s dating someone and she’ll brush it off and tell him to hook up with her anyway. Women are just as flirtatious at home, but I’ve never seen anyone chase a guy and continue to do so even after he says he’s taken.”
KOREA
“Korean girls expect a lot from men. They’re very clingy, and expect guys to buy them everything, to surprise them with big events all the time. They’re definitely more romantically focused, they love to portray that they’re a couple. It’s really popular for Korean couples to wear matching shirts, shoes, hoodies, etc. Also, girls act very ‘cutesy’ towards their boyfriends, like even babytalk, cheesy stuff.
“I think a Korean would be pretty surprised by the casualness on the topic of sex. I don’t think they believe too much in platonic relationships between guys and girls. And Korea definitely has a growing hook-up culture, but it’s still not as severe as America’s.”
INDIA
“The American dating culture is very fast. People break up and make up very quickly. In India, my friends have dated for a couple of months/years and it’s very hard for them to overcome a break-up. American dating culture is also very open — when a couple is dating, everyone knows about it. Indian couples refrain from openly sharing photos in public or telling family that they’re dating. What’s most relieving about America is that relationships are casual and don’t look at the larger picture. Long-term commitment is not given much importance in America.
“I haven’t figured out blind dates and speed dating. It’s just not right to find or connect with partners over social media because edited photos and pretentious statuses do not say anything about the person. But dating life is definitely easier here! When you go to a club, guys aren’t afraid to come and offer a drink or a dance. In India, rarely would a guy do that. Here, women aren’t shy, they agree to sleeping with a guy who they don’t even know. Guys are more confident about taking a girl home in the US.
“Hook-up culture in India is negligible. Men sound desperate if they sleep with women they don’t know at all. Women prefer getting to know the guy before sleeping with him. Sex is not too important in Indian relationships but rather friendship and commitment.
“Sex is very important to Americans — not having sex is ‘not normal.’ People in India are more intellectually focused, and platonic relationships are fostered more. It’s harder to be friends with benefits because everybody’s looking for a real relationship. Friendship is definitely more important than any other relationship. In India, you need to be friends to ‘love’ each other at some point.”
ARGENTINA
“In the US dating seems to be more of a game. In Argentina people tend to be upfront about liking someone and their intentions, but here I’ve noticed a lot of going back and forth and trying to manipulate the other person and play it cool. It’s confusing and misleading.
“I’ve been told that I can’t say ‘I love you’ to my male friends because they’ll interpret it in a romantic way, but where I’m from we can say it without it being misunderstood as easily. I just can’t relate to American guys. Latin American guys will pay for your meals, call you, open the door for you… I haven’t meet an American guy who does any of that.
“I think people in Argentina are more emotional and passionate. They are more likely to be romantically focused. Also, between the ages of 16 and 20 they are likely to be friends with benefits with someone but once they reach college they start looking for a relationship.”
GHANA
“I’d say American dating moves fast. In Ghana, you don’t meet parents until it’s really serious — like, marriage-serious, almost. But here if a guy likes his girl so much, he takes her home to meet his parents. It’s very different for me because to some extent you don’t mix those two aspects of your life, you don’t talk to one about the other.
Back home you don’t really kiss and tell. If you do hook up with someone, you don’t broadcast it to the world. And one night stands, people definitely don’t know about that. High schools are fewer, they’re smaller, so when people do hook up, or have sex or whatever, they don’t broadcast. It’s not as easy for people to just randomly make out, because we know everyone will find out in our small school, and you’ll be talked about. The guy will be a champion, but the girl will be a slut. It’ll affect your whole group’s friendship, it’ll affect relationships in the future, it’ll really mess things up.
“I’m still confused about how okay people here are with random hook-ups or one night stands with people they just met. Even just kissing, like, how do you know he’s safe? Back home, if you kiss someone, you don’t do it in public. Ever. So sometimes when I see people doing PDA, I’m just like, what the fuck. Go eat each other’s faces somewhere else, don’t show it to me.
“I would say people here are more upfront about what they want, which is something quick and fun. They don’t work as hard because obviously they don’t want a relationship out of it, which is both nice and yet… sometimes offensive.
“A lot of the time when people go out back home, they go out for at least a couple of months — usually the norm is a year or two. So yeah, it’s a very different dating culture here. In fact it’s not even dating half the time. But, you know, kids have urges, go do your thing, just use protection.”