By Bertram Proctor
If you’ve been busy, or you’re too indie or upwardly-mobile to pay attention to mainstream popular culture, here’s an idiosyncratic recap of all of the trailers that came out in the last week and a half.
Based solely on the trailers and surrounding buzz, the following films will be judged on a scale of Worth It to Wide Berth It:
First up, The Biggies (Yes, all of my categories will be named after rappers, because I’m super cool that way):
Star Wars: Episode VII-The Force Awakens
I mean, Star Wars is Star Wars. Stormtrooper redesign is spiffy. Word is a lot of the main characters are female so it’s already beating the OrigTrig on progressiveness (Mon Mothma who?). Apparently, a lot of people cried at the end when Han-dy, blaster in hand, and Chewie Bubblegum (I’m so funny) show up. In fairness, it does tug on the nostalgia strings that I, as a nineties baby, didn’t think I had. Side note: Is Star Wars going to be the Star Wars of the new generation? Can’t millennials get their own pop culture? Anyway, yeah, this film. Everyone’s psyched.
Trailer MVP: BB-8.
Aw, look at his widdle robot face.
Rating: Ratings are not applicable to Star Wars. You know you’re going to see it.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
It’s super dark. Both tonally and literally. You can’t really see much. Everyone’s very broody. I want to care but the trailer makes it so hard to. I really want Warner Bros to figure this superhero thing out (if only so I can see Khal Drogo as Aquaman) but just having a black screen for a long time doesn’t equal mysterious, it equals scared-to-show-you-what-we-have-ness. Eh, people will see it anyway.
Trailer MVP(s): Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck are sooo handsome when they’re serious.
Rating: Calling it now, it will be meh but profitable.
The Kanyes (top-tier blockbusters that can be really good but also have a high probability of being ropey, broken messes):
Jurassic World
For some reason, they’re still trying to make a dinosaur theme park for kids with real dinosaurs. ’Cause, you know, fourth time’s the charm. This time, the twist is that they’ve genetically engineered one to make it even more dangerous. Sigh. I have only one question: where is Jeff Goldblum?
Best moment: Controlling velociraptors is about respect. Apparently.
Rating: I just don’t see how this could be good.
Tomorrowland
Laser guns, George Clooney, rocketships, Hugh Laurie, automatic-window-shutter-things, and a name that copies the coolest music festival ever. It looks so promising. Brad Bird (Director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Mission: Impossible -Ghost Protocol) is at the helm and he has a basically 100% success rate but it could be just a mess. They’re being very tight-lipped about details which could be a good or a bad sign. Props for the original concept though (yeah, I know it’s based on a Disney theme park ride, but come on).
Best moment: Like a kid in a retro-future toy shop, it’s so hard to choose, but George Clooney destroys android with wall-mounted lasers is up there.
Rating: Please be good, please be good.
Ant-man
The latest installment from Marvel of their characters you’ve never heard of headlining a superhero film. The trailer doesn’t inspire huge confidence. Edgar Wright (Director of Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Scott Pilgrim vs the World) dropped out of being director and that’s a bad, bad sign, but I still want it to be good because, Paul Rudd. Fingers crossed, I guess.
Trailer MVP: Thomas the Tank Engine
Rating: Go see it if you like Paul Rudd and things that get bigger and smaller.
Fantastic Four
20th Century Fox is trying desperately hard to make people care about the superheroes it owns now that Marvel has shown them they can make a talking raccoon profitable. It’s looks kinda gritty, kinda fun. Like The Amazing Spiderman. But hopefully not like The Amazing Spiderman. All the leads seem like actors that will polarize the audience. Except for Michael B. Jordan — everybody likes Michael B. Jordan.
Best moment: Mr. Fantastic fist bump fail for the win.
Rating: Probably will be enjoyable but ignore-able. Watch it when it comes to Netflix.
Terminator: Genisys
Summation of trailer: explosion, explosion, mother of dragons, bus flip, “I’ll be back”. The Terminator franchise has no idea anymore. Convoluted time travel plot is convoluted.
Trailer MVP: Khaleesi
Rating: It needs to be so dumb to be good. Might pull it off actually.
The Run the Jewelses (the non-blockbusters you probably won’t fork out money to see in cinema but will be films you see stoned 3 years from now that will make your fucking day):
Dope
Heartwarming, coming-of-age, teen movie but twist, it stars black kids and not Michael Cera or Miles Teller — finally. These nerdy kids who just want to make punk music accidently get involved with a bag of drugs or something. Shenanigans ensue.
Best moment: “Because I’m 14% African. Ancestry.com.”
Rating: It looks Dope (couldn’t resist).
Ex Machina
The buzz around this film is very positive. Creepy tech genius brings young programmer to his secret lair to hang out with his fembot. What could go wrong?
Best moment: “Caleb, there is something I want to show you” says girlbot voiceover as screen shows her caressing her robot boobs.
Rating: Hopefully, it will make you reassess your conception of consciousness. If not, like I said, robot boobs.
The Gucci Manes (wildcards):
Youth/La Giovinezza
Old people, gorgeous cinematography, proven director. What do you get? La Giovinezza.
Best moment: Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel just straight perving on naked girl in pool.
Rating: La bellezza, la grande bellezza.
The Tale of Tales/ Il Racconto dei racconti
It seems I like Italian directors a lot. Just watch the trailer. I can’t explain the awesome in words.
Best moment: Salma Hayek eating a brain in an all white room.
Rating: This is fairy tales on acid (that’s a positive endorsement, if it wasn’t clear).
Alien Tampon
Okay, so this trailer didn’t come out recently but people need to know that this film exists. You’re welcome, NYU.
Best moment: All of the moments. The greatest art must viewed as a whole.
Rating: #godmode
