The Kimmel Escalators Suck, and I Can Prove It With Science

Yeah, I’m lazy. And what about it?

Graphic by author.

It’s a Thursday and your last class of the day just finished. You’re a nerd who still has a meal plan, so you head to Kimmel for a Beyond Burger. It takes nearly all your energy to climb the two flights of stairs in the lobby, and as you scan your ID, you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

You spot it from around the corner, and then come face-to-face with the escalator — stationary, static, halted, stopped, a Mount Everest-sized mountain to scale. You take a moment to prepare yourself, then summon your remaining energy to conquer those brutal metal steps.

You make it to the top, but not without feeling awful about how out of shape you are. Such is the curse of the motionless Kimmel second-to-third floor escalator.

The escalator could simply be broken for half of every week, but legend has it that the university purposefully cuts the power to the escalator in order to “conserve energy.” Legend also has it that this is bullshit because both the third-to-fourth floor escalator (that only three people use) and the down escalator are always functional.

Either way, immobile escalators are worse than normal stairs. It takes so much more energy and willpower to summit the one-flight escalator than it does to walk up the lengthy Kimmel lobby stairs.

To explain this conundrum, Local co-editor-in-chief John DiLillo proposed a hypothesis — that each individual lobby step is shorter than each escalator step. I decided to investigate that theory.

The (Very Scientific) Investigation

Using a mini tape measure on a key-chain lent to me by fellow Local writer Lau Guzmàn, I measured the steps of both the lobby stairs and the escalator. To no one’s surprise, the escalator was broken, so I had no trouble measuring the stationary steps and looking absolutely insane to passerby.

Gorgeous, valid, pure Kimmel steps. Photo by author.

I know the lighting is bad, so save it. Photo by author.

Evil, nasty, bad Kimmel escalator. I know this is a photograph, so you can’t tell, but they are broken. Photo by author.

Lies!! Lies and deception!! Photo by author.

The Results

Height of one Kimmel lobby step: 6.25 inches (15.88 cm)

Height of one Kimmel escalator step: 8.00 inches (20.32 cm)

Height Difference: 1.75 inches

One-point-seven-five extra inches of blood, sweat and tears. 1.75 extra inches of pure, bone-crushing, muscle-tearing exertion.

You’re not delusional, lazy, or complaining too much. It’s not all in your imagination. The Kimmel escalator definitively, officially, and scientifically sucks. And you can quote me on that, because science never lies.