McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce Is Back, But It’s Still Not Good

One writer braved the 724 Broadway McDonald’s to get his hands on the sauce ‘Rick and Morty’ made famous.

Look, I don’t know who these people are.

McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce was meant to be a silly novelty, a promotional maneuver for Disney’s Mulan that accidentally caught fire in our modern corporate dystopia thanks to a silly reference on an adult cartoon show. When last year’s Rick and Morty’s season 3 dropped a casual reference to the sauce in its season premiere, McDonald’s sensed an opportunity to goose sales. They brought the sauce back for a limited time in October, just in time for a horde of hairy virginal fanboys to descend on our nation’s minimum-wage employees to demand their muddy mayonnaise liquid.

Unfortunately, the chain underestimated demand. Bottles of the sauce sold for exorbitant amounts on eBay (Deadmau5 reportedly bought one for $15,000, which is nice because it means Deadmau5 somehow has $15,000 despite this being the first I’ve heard of him in seven years). The promotional event led to embarrassing displays like the one in the video below, where a supposed adult has a minor mental breakdown when he realizes he won’t be able to eat his chicken nuggets with a sauce he heard about on TV once.

This weekend, McDonald’s announced that 20 million packets of Szechuan Sauce would be distributed to stores across the country, and I announced that I would be going to get some because I only write about things that make me look like an idiot now.

On Monday, I headed over to the McDonald’s on Broadway. It was moderately crowded, but no one was writhing around on the floor and I didn’t see any Rick and Morty T-shirts. I paid attention in line; no one was asking for sauce. This seemed like just a normal day at McDonald’s, or as normal as any day can be at the 724 Broadway McDonald’s.

I waited on line for a good ten minutes. Around minute five, I started to convince myself that this was an event. I was waiting on line for Szechuan Sauce! This will be delicious! This will be worth it! Szechuan Sauce must be good, because a cartoon likes it!

When I got to the front of the line, I realized I would need to order something to eat with my Szechuan Sauce, unless I wanted to get a straw. I considered a burger, but decided the cost of a good story stopped short before “clogged arteries.” I asked for a medium fries, and then hesitated. “Can I also get a…Szechuan Sauce?” My tongue crawled back into my throat in an attempt to hide from the reality of the question I had just asked.

The cashier gave me a nod and punched my order in. I started to get nervous almost immediately. Wasn’t this supposed to be hard? Had he not heard me? Would I not get the Szechuan Sauce I was so desperate for?

I saw the words “Sriracha Sauce” flash across the cash register. Oh no. That’s wrong. I need SZECHUAN sauce, not sriracha! What will I do?

“That was the Szechuan Sauce, right?” I asked as quietly as I could.

Another muted nod.

Sauce in hand, I headed for a quiet place where I could enjoy my hearty and nutritious meal. Other students weren’t as brave as I was. Tisch freshman L.P. McAllister flirted with the idea of going for some sauce, but he was dissuaded by the fear of judgement: “I was going to try it, but I didn’t want to be one of the people out there yelling ‘Give it to me now!’ ”

Pictured: The spoils of war.

Upon opening the packet of Szechuan Sauce, I was shocked to discover that it looked disgusting. Oh well, I thought. Lots of things look disgusting. I’m sure this will be delicious, and I will understand everything about Rick and Morty fans.

This could be made of literally anything.

I dipped a fry in and took a bite. It tasted like…nothing.

I took a few more bites in vain, and then on about the fifth fry Stockholm Sauce Szechuan Syndrome(SSSS) started to set in. “This is delicious!” I exclaimed aloud. “It all makes sense!”

But it didn’t make sense. This was just shitty soy sauce! It tasted like the culinary equivalent of Mulan II! What’s the big deal?

I asked a self-professed Rick and Morty fan to try to explain the phenomenon. “The joke is that it’s such a vague and weird thing for someone to desire so much,” said Steinhardt sophomore Chase Newman.

Oh. So this was all a joke. What about those people freaking out about it, then?

Newman laughed, “Those people are stupid. What’s wrong with you? Why do you feel the need to do that? I hope they’re all really fucking disappointed.”

I mean, I sure am. I’m never watching this dumb cartoon.