OPINION: No Proper Bottoms Between Shorts and Pants
In a time of spiritual and seasonal transition, between the bitter cold of winter and the warm embrace of spring, humankind is at a loss. On days too warm for a well-insulated pair of khakis, but too cold for a handsome pair of jorts, human beings have no choice but to be uncomfortable and anxious in their fashion choices. But, what if we had another fashionable yet practical option during these trying times? Something, in between shorts and pants? Something like capris, or maybe even shants?
The perfect solution to temperamental weather, shants are bottoms with high-functionality at low cost. With a plethora of deep pockets for storing all your small reptiles, geode samples, and dehydrated edamame, shants are ideal for days when you need to keep your hands free for activities. As if that weren’t enough, the trusty zipper at the knee of every pair of shants, allows for length variety and freedom of movement. Never again will you have to settle for pants that are too long, or shorts that show off just a little too much of your untamed leg hair.
The real tragedy is, that in spite of the immeasurable benefits of wearing shants, the stigma against them dissuades shants-dudes from making themselves known to the public. The judgmental stares of Lames who simply can’t comprehend the inherent value of shants, all too often discourage people from experimenting with this trendy-yet-comfy trouser alternative. However, shants-dudes simply exist on a higher plane of existence, understanding the practicality of pairing white ankle socks with beige athletic sandals, and matching this to a nice pair of shants. How can you be expected to go on a sudden spiritual reckoning, without wearing the proper attire?
In addition to being functional, shants are unmatched in terms of versatility. Keep your shants at full length, throw on an rumpled black button-up, a nice velvet fedora, and you’re ready for a job interview. Looking to have some fun in the sun? Unzip those shants and pair them up with an unwashed undershirt and a snapback, to rock a “disheveled and dirty, but casual” everyday look. Or, if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, don’t wear a shirt at all! Hike up your favorite pair of well-loved boxer shorts, and accentuate the adjustable waistband of your shants.
In moments of universal struggle, shants-dudes stand united and prepared. With pockets filled to the bursting with stolen metro cards, replacement wheels for your heelies, or a Leatherman Surge, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish in a pair of shants. Together, we can de-stigmatize our faithful friend in fashion, and can bring forth the future of bottoms, one unzipped knee at a time.
#FreeTheKnee #EndPantsWearShants
