NFL Week 3: Everybody Hates How Good Tom Brady Is
By Kate Shapiro
Last week was the best week of football so far this year and this is why: I beat my father at fantasy football. My father can recite stats back to 1972 and I beat him at his own game. I beat the same father who won the fantasy league last year. Even with Dez Bryant injured, my team took the initiative and won Sunday’s game. Now I get to gloat for the rest of the season about how I — Kate Shapiro — am the brilliant coach who led my team (team name: The Pooper Scoopers) to victory. I mean, it was entirely luck, but that’s beside the point. The point is the student has finally become the master.
I would also like to mention that whoever’s idea it was to put the Emmys on TV the same night as the Eagles game should be dragged into the street and shot. The bartender refused to put the game on so they could see The Daily Show win an Emmy for the 285,178th time. UGH.
On that note, it’s time for the picks.
Sunday 1:00 PM
Patriots over BILLS 41–24
On Sunday I realized nobody likes Tom Brady. Every time that guy gets sacked an angel gets its wings. Or at least that’s what a random Jets fan on the street told me. Unfortunately, Tom Brady still manages to pass for 400 yards a game. So no matter how much I want it to, I can’t believe the Bills’ passing defense will hold up against him.
49rs over BENGALS 24–14
I’m getting bored just writing a sentence about this game.
Dolphins over BROWNS 27–24
The Dolphins are 2–0, but they’ve played a tough season. The Browns, on the other hand, are 1–1 but they only beat the Colts — which should not be considered an NFL win. Also, general rule of thumb: always pick the Browns to lose.
TITANS over Broncos 32–24
Did you know the Titans beat the Ravens last week? The Ravens are actually good! Holy shit!
Lions over VIKINGS 41–17
The Lions looked great last week. Conversely, the Vikings looked terrible.
PANTHERS over Jaguars 24–14
You may have heard how great Cam Newton is. That he’s consistently throwing for 400 yards. That he did in about two games what Tim Tebow did in an entire season last year. You may have also heard the Panthers are still 0–2. I think this may be their day to, y’know, actually win.
Sunday 4:05 PM
Jets over RAIDERS 28–7
Prediction: Mark Sanchez will not throw for one touchdown during this game. The Jets D will just pick off Jason Campbell six or seven times and run for consecutive 80 yard touchdowns.
Ravens over RAMS 24–10
Isn’t it funny people thought the Rams would actually be pretty good this season? Oh, I guess there’s still time.
CHARGERS over Chiefs 35–14
The Chargers are so much fun to watch on offense. Also: someone pissed themselves at a Chargers game- which is probably funnier than anything else that will happen during this game.
Sunday 4:15 PM
Packers over BEARS 27–17
I still hate Jay Cutler. I don’t care what anyone says.
BUCCANEERS over Falcons 28–24
The Falcons won an impressive game against Philly last week- but they were at home and Vick was concussed, so I’m going with Tampa.
SEAHAWKS over Cardinals 24–21
Prediction: The Seahawks will win this game, lose every other this season, STILL somehow make the playoffs at 1–15 and then win the Super Bowl.
Sunday 8:20 PM
Steelers over COLTS 28–13
I feel a little bad that the Colts have become the NFL’s running joke this season. All people in Indiana have are the Colts. Plus, I kind of miss Peyton Manning. Football isn’t the same without the guy.
COWBOYS over Redskins 32–28
The Cowboys are at home versus the Redskins which means there are going to be Texans starting all kinds of shit at Jerryland. The Redskins are barely 2–0 and the Cowboys are barely 1–1. Should be a good game. Also: no self-respecting person should ever root for a team owned by Dan Snyder (please don’t sue me for libel, Dan Snyder).
Last week: 14–3 (hot damn!)
Season: 21–10
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