Drunk/Sober/High: ‘Cats’
As fate would have it, “Cats” was finally unleashed upon the United States last weekend. NYU Local sent a quintet of intrepid reporters to get in on the Jellicle action — drunk, sober, or high. Here are their thoughts:
What were you intoxicated with?
Drunk 1: I was intoxicated first with Tequila, then with a mix of Tequila and Strawberita, then pure Strawberita.
High 1: I had two bowls of weed, like a bong, like a lot.
High 2: I ate two 50-milligram edible gummies.
Who do you think is hotter: the NYU Bobcat or the cats from “Cats”?
All (in unison): Oh no.
Sober 1: I’m gonna plead the fifth on this one. I’m not answering this question.
D1: I’d say Jason Derulo is hotter than the NYU Bobcat.
S1: Is it because you’ve seen the pictures of Jason Derulo?
D1: I think it’s ‘cuz I’ve seen the movie.
What was your general understanding of ‘Cats’?
H1: It’s just like… it’s like a CGI clusterfuck.
H2: I feel like this was soft-core porn for furries… like the part where she was slapping her crotch at the beginning.
S1: I don’t know what I just watched. And here’s the thing: I’m raw-dogging reality. I think, considering the fact that Cats is meant to be some insane ballet dance situation, they did a fine job of including the dance. But the music’s not good. “Memory” is a banger, and I’ll say that. And Mr. Mistoffelees… he is a king.
D1: Yeah, Mr. Mistoffelees was badass.
Which are better: the cockroaches or the mice with human faces?
D1: I fucking love the cockroaches. When they went spiraling up the leg of the table, I was like, go cockroaches.
H1: What the fuck?
S1: Were you in the bathroom?
H1: I might’ve been.
H2: The cockroaches were just kinda doing like, a cabaret thing.
If you were a cat, which cat would you be?
D1: I would be Mr. Mistoffelees.
H2: I would be Ian McKellen.
D1: He didn’t receive a single scene in the trailer.
S1: I didn’t know that he was in this movie.
H1: My favorite was the one that James Corden played.
What’s the difference between a Jellicle cat and a regular cat?
D1: A majellicle [sic] cat gets to move on to the next life, while the other cats get to go to fuckin’ Hell.
H2: Really?
D1: I guess so. And Hell is life.
Taylor Swift and the catnip?
D1: I don’t remember any of that.
H1: I didn’t recognize that Taylor Swift was Taylor Swift.
The Milk Bar and The Rum Tum Tugger?
S1: Oddly sexual? I’m a little uncomfortable.
H2: I’m not gonna lie; I felt dirty. I feel like that’s the most decadent film I’ve seen in a long time.
D1: Which is why I plan on buying it on Blu Ray.
H1: It’s a feat of engineering.
General thoughts?
S1: I find it horrible, yet delightful.
D1: Very good, yet very bad.
Sober 2: I liked it. I genuinely, actually enjoyed that movie.
S1: I think it’s bespoke. It shouldn’t exist, but it does, and I’m grateful for it. Also, considering that The Rise of Skywalker was a trash movie […] Cats was better than The Rise of Skywalker.
