I watched the election results come in helplessly Tuesday night, devastated that the country I was born and raised in hates women so much that they would rather have an unqualified bald Cheeto be our president over a woman who has spent her entire life in public service. I am devastated that this country hates LGBT+ people and minorities so much that they voted for a man who wants to take away every right those communities have been working for in the past century. And as a Jewish person, I am very upset to see the growing anti-Semitism in the world, the anti-Semitism that has put alt-right, fringe candidates into office all over Europe, continue over here in America. I can’t believe my country (and the world) hates my people and me this much. Fifty-nine or so million people last night said “fuck you” to everyone who wasn’t a white man, and I can never forgive America for that.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this embarrassed or terrified to be American before in my life. Sure we’ve done a lot of terrible things in not just our past but in our recent present as well. But I never thought the people in this country were so full of hate that they would elect a fascist maniac to office. I thought our country was smart enough to follow the advice of England and not pull another Brexit: I was wrong.
Tuesday night in the wee hours of the morning, I sat with other students in my dorm’s lounge, and we all watched together as the depressing results came in. It had started as a watch party. We expected a close race with a Clinton victory. We had figured that states like Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Florida were all in the bag. So you can imagine our upset as they became “too close to call”. The mood grew tense and desperate. One guy kept saying “it’s over, Trump’s gonna win, America is screwed”. I wanted to strangle him. It was too early, too close to call. Don’t give up hope. But he was right. As it began to look more and more like Trump’s night, people began leaving until by 2 am the lounge was a depressing ghost town. As those of us who remained watched, three or four white boys entered the room. They took a look at our tear-stained faces and laughed. They actually laughed. “Sorry, we’re ruining the country for you,” one of them said sarcastically before they all walked out. They clearly thought that they had more worth than the rest of us, and unfortunately my country proved them right last night.
After Clinton’s chairman told everyone to go to bed, I went upstairs. I stopped in the stairwell first, my preferred place for phone calls I don’t want my roommate to hear, and called my parents. My mom had already gone to bed despite it only being 10:30 or so in LA, which frustrated me more than it should have. But I had just wanted to talk to her, someone I knew was feeling all the same things I was feeling, not just as a Democrat, but as a woman as well. Instead, my dad answered and I sobbed over the phone to him for 15 minutes. He tried to assure me that I was strong and we could pull through this, but it only made me cry harder. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it had happened.
Then my dad said something along the lines of “as a white man I’m embarrassed but I’m also worried about how other people are going to see me now. I voted for her and yet…”. “You’re not just a white man,” I pointed out. “You’re Jewish. And that’s going to be a lot bigger deal than it once was.”
It’s always been hard to explain what it was like growing up Jewish to my non-Jewish friends. How do you explain what it’s like to be born into a religion and culture that has been persecuted against since the beginning of time? My great-great grandmother was sent to America from the small island of Rhodes at the tender age of 16 because her parents feared for her safety in the emerging world of World War I. She married a complete stranger just for a chance at a better life. My other great-great grandparents came over from the Pale of Settlement to escape the pogroms (massacres) in the early 1900s. My family has been in this country for over a 100 years now and yet I’ve never truly felt American. I’ve always felt like an “other”.
How do you explain to your Christian friends what it’s like to watch Christmas movies, hear Christmas songs on the radio, and see an entire town decorate itself for Christmas, while barely even a mention of Hanukkah goes by? New York City has the largest Jewish population outside of Israel, yet it still seems to remain the Christmas capital of America. Christmas became my favorite holiday; perhaps because of some form of self-hate coupled with a desire not to feel “other”. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a Christmas tree in my house, to have been one of the children who believed in Santa, to participate in an Easter Egg hunt. I used to wonder what it would be like to grow up in “Real America” instead of Los Angeles. I now realize that was some racist, anti-Semitic bullshit society had poisoned me with.
How do you explain what it was like to be a part of the largest congregation in California and to still be faced with death threats? How do you explain what it was like to learn that 6 million of your people were killed in one of the worst genocides in history all because of their beliefs? How do you explain the feeling you got when you learned that Jews only made up 0.2% of the world’s population because of that? How do you explain what it felt like the first time a child, no more than 8 years old, made a joke about you picking up a penny? Or to be told that your big nose is “so Jewish”?
How do you explain what it’s like to watch history repeat itself all over again? How do you explain what it’s like watch as politicians, someone who people actually voted for, use coded words to imply a Jewish global conspiracy? How do you explain what it feels like to sob your eyes out over knowing that the entire world hates you even though you can’t think of a single thing you did wrong other than be different? How can you explain that feeling to someone who will never have to experience it?
At the same time, my fear extends beyond myself and my religious community. I’ve never been more worried for my friends of color. I may be Jewish but at least my skin is white. No one is going to shout hateful things at me because of my race. No one is going to commit hate crimes against me because of the color of my skin. What’s going to happen to Muslims? Mexicans? African Americans? For years this country has proved time and time again that they don’t care about immigrants and I think that is the biggest tragedy of America.
I’m scared for my LGBT+ friends. Trump is a loose cannon when it comes to LGBT+ policy, and there is no telling what kind of laws he will actually push for. But what is even scarier is the stance of the homophobic Vice President Mike Pence. He has advocated for conversion therapy for a while now and if that comes to fruition, I’m terrified of what will happen. The effects of conversion therapy have been devastating to the LGBT+ community, especially teens.
I’m scared about what this may mean for women. We may never break the glass ceiling now. We had a woman candidate who was smart, successful, and seemed to genuinely care — if her emails are anything to go by. President Obama called her the most qualified candidate to ever run. And the fact that the United States would elect the most unqualified candidate ever (who just happens to be a man) over her shows that there are still a large number of sexists in this country who believe that the Presidency is a man’s job.
To everyone out there who voted for Trump (although I doubt any of you are reading this) I almost feel bad for you. You just got duped by someone who may go down as the greatest con man in American history. He’s not going to bring your jobs back. He’s not going to fix the economy. He is not your savior. I say I almost feel bad for you, because I am going to be delighted as you slowly realize what a huge fucking mistake you made. You let hate and anger rule your decision-making process and I hope that haunts you for the rest of your life.
One day, history is going to look back at this moment in our country’s history with shame. I have a feeling we will look back at this with complete and total embarrassment that the “greatest country in the world” was capable of doing something like this. At least I can take some solace in the fact that I was on the right side of history. But that won’t heal the hole in my heart and I don’t know what will.
