A Guide to 404 Lafayette for People Who Are Scared of the Gym

I hate the gym. Beyond just being hard and disgusting, exercising is straight-up embarrassing. I usually have no idea what I’m doing, and I spend most of my time and energy trying to hide this fact rather than focusing on my workout.

Are people actually looking at me, noticing my feeble plank position or underwear lines through my leggings? No. But does this knowledge do anything to diminish my gym anxiety? Not really.

The most important way to survive the gym is to use headphones at all times. This guarantees that you won’t have to talk to anyone from class or, worse, be left alone with your thoughts.

The first floor of 404 Lafayette is absolutely frightening. Grunts from athletes echo from the back corner. Men in tank tops lift gigantic, untethered heaps of metal. There’s astroturf on the ground with no clear purpose. Many people settle for the cardio section in the front, but it’s probably the most visible area of the gym. If you don’t want your sweaty face to be the first thing people see when they enter, skip the entire first floor and make a beeline for the second, where there are just as many treadmills and ellipticals.

My first move at the gym is almost always the elliptical, which is attractive for many reasons. For one, even though it’s easy and takes practically no athletic skill, you can still get a good cardio sesh in. It’s a great way to kill a lot of time while you pysch yourself up for whatever you’re going to do next. And, perhaps most importantly, the up-and-down motion of the machine makes you look inherently cute, turning your gait into a kind of prancing and giving you the ponytail bounce of a cheerleader.

When I’ve had enough of the elliptical, I might fiddle around at some of the machines nearby. This usually sucks, though, so I move on to the next part of the gym experience: finding a good spot to stretch/do an ab workout/go on my phone.

With its natural light, the upstairs open area is, admittedly, pretty. It’s also about the size of a low-cost triple. If you like having asses in your face and the risk of accidentally kicking someone next to you, the second floor could be a good place to continue your workout. But for privacy, quiet, and lots of space, head to the basement dance studios — a mecca for anxious gym-goers.

The large dance studio offers wonderful respite from the gym and life in general. Because no one here wants to be seen, you are free to do whatever you want, like laughably short planks and stretching while scrolling Twitter.

I know that people come to the gym to exercise, not judge other people, and my anxiety is irrational and self-centered. But still, having an inconspicuous gym plan pays off: when I’m convinced that people aren’t staring at my bad form, I can actually get a good, stress-reducing workout. Call me crazy, just don’t look my way.