5 Professors You Will Encounter at NYU
Hopefully you won’t meet them all your first semester.
Published in
4 min readSep 13, 2017
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- The Uptight Asshole: Before you even step foot into their classroom, they posted a very stern and excessive syllabus on NYU Classes that you probably failed to read. The joke is on you, because this is the kind of professor that would pop-quiz you on the syllabus itself. They have no sympathy if you fall ill and miss their class, because obviously their Introduction to Expository Whatever is of the utmost importance in your very busy college career, even above your health and well being. They don’t allow laptops, gum chewing, or even breathing. If you don’t walk into the class on the first day with all of your required readings, they will automatically detest you for the remainder of the semester. You begin to realize that all those rave reviews you saw on Rate My Professor were probably written either by the professor themselves, or they slipped a crisp twenty dollar bill to their TAs to write them.
- The Surrogate BFF: This professor had a solid 4.7 on Rate My Professor, and even had the little hot pepper symbol (that is such a great sight to see!) You get to your first seminar even earlier than they do, and they waltz in with a big smile. You already know that this is going to be a great semester. Two essays only, with a take home midterm and final… who knew Christmas existed in September? This is the type of professor you’d invite to tailgate with you, if only there was any tailgating to do here at NYU, or if only you gave a shit about college football to begin with. This is the type of professor you would order Insomnia with at 3 am and cry to about your crappy ex boyfriend or your aforementioned asshole professor. Unfortunately, this scenario is definitely a conflict of interest and is a slightly to moderately creepy proposition. However, you have full permission to gloat about them to all of your pals.
- The Weird One: Maybe you woke up late for registration, or perhaps every other class just happened to be full, or possibly the course you had to take offered only one professor. Nevertheless, you wound up with this raging freak type as your professor. You instantly feel uncomfortable when you walk into their class and they give you a creepily toothy grin. They make really bizarre jokes that only they derive laughter from, and they cackle at their own self until it slowly fades into realization that no one else is entertained. They probably dumpster dive, even if they are a full time professor that makes a yearly salary upwards of $250,000. They also bring a really strange smelling and looking meal that they pick at as they lecture, like tuna casserole or something. You show up to their office hours and they start incessantly complaining about how their significant other never gives them attention. You can’t help but feel sorry for them, until they say they say they support Trump wholeheartedly. Yikes.
- The Big Shot: Even if you know nothing about NYU faculty, you probably are aware that celebrities such as James Franco and Quavo from Migos have “taught” classes at our university. Maybe you won’t wind up with an A-lister as one of your professors, but this professor comes pretty damn close. They have won several Nobel Peace Prizes and countless awards for their services to whatever category their PhD belongs to, among many other achievements they have been recognized for. They include a mini resume in their syllabus just to remind you how special and eminent they are to society. They have a total of one office hour each week, because there is only so much time when you are so uber-successful, you know? When they aren’t lecturing you and your fellow classmates, they are probably shooting a movie somewhere. Oh, and not to mention that every clip they include in the curriculum features a clip from them themselves. Don’t expect them to memorize your name, though, because they only care to remember the names of those on the Forbes Top 500 list.
- The Ancient Artifact: You walk into class and are shocked to see a feeble little grandma/grandpa standing in front of the class. They are super soft spoken and sweet, so you feel especially apologetic when you conk out during their 8 am. But you can’t help it; they have the old people spell over you. You often wonder how they are still up and at it at such an old age. Then, you begin to see that you have a hair on your head that matches the color of theirs, and you begin to have an existential crisis. You freak out about becoming old, and completely cease to listen to their banter about Archaeology in South Africa. Then, in your daze, you look up at the clock they have to see it doesn’t move. Has time stopped? You fail to find an answer because when you hear their quiet voice again, you fade into a peaceful slumber. You wake up to them saying “Ahem…” and silencing the class until you realize they are low-key subbing you and waiting for you to wake up to continue their lecture.