Will Pulos’ Confessions of An NYU Admissions Ambassador post was attacked by a group of incredibly gung-ho admissions ambassadors last week Jesse stone night passage download. The beat down was vicious and riddled with cliches about friendship. This week, Will defends his stance further.
Even though the “living document” that was once my NYU admissions ambassador handbook has died (RIP), I was still able to leaf through its recently deceased pages and find the 10 biggest lies of that shining program on a hill. (Clearly, certain ambassadors’ recent description of me as “embittered” and “crass” is quite accurate.)
- Ambassadors are told to tell their personal NYU stories on their tours. This story, however, can’t include “parties, drinking, illegal drug use, student suicides, or celebrity gossip. These things should never be discussed.” I got nothing.
- One of the areas you are told to cover is the size of the University. One suggested statement: “It doesn’t feel as big as it is because of res halls, clubs, and academic programs.” Sure. My Murder She Wrote fan club basically makes me feel like I’m living in a co-op at Vassar.
- One great way suggested to break the ice is to ask each student on your tours who their “favorite Saved by the Bell character” is. This is not a good way to break the ice. In my personal experience, it has generally led to a downward spiral of Showgirls sound bites.
- You’re encouraged to talk about how NYU is “in and of New York.” For example, talk about “utilizing NYC in your academics (writing the essay in Central Park).” The last time I utilized the city for a class was when I wrote a haiku about getting spit on by a homeless man. I called it “My NYU Story.”
- “Please make sure to refer to our student living facilities as Residence Halls (or Res Halls for short). Dorms are just for sleeping, you actively live and learn in your Res Hall.” I would love for someone to inform the Freshman stoner living down the hall in Goddard of this requirement.
- One talking point you’re given for discussing Coles and Palladium is the Tear It Up program. The handbook goes on to describe it as “Great events, free tickets and merchandise – what more can you ask for?” …
- How should an Admissions Ambassador deal with angry parents? “Don’t snap, keep your temper, and always smile. It will help keep your spirits up!” I’m actually pretty sure it’s a little more satisfying to put patriarchal Texans in their place.
- If someone makes a negative comment about the University: “Remain calm. Most negatives have positive sides as well. Always mention the positive!” You know what doesn’t have a positive? Having to wait 15 minutes for a Hell-evator in Silver and then getting repeatedly groped by greasy haired Biology major.
- If you’re asked, “Do you feel safe in this neighborhood?” The suggested answer is, “Absolutely. This is a very safe neighborhood and a common destination for our city’s many tourists.” Lie. There is nothing more horrifying than walking around this American Apparel clusterfuck after 10pm. I’m pretty sure I’ll be having nightmares about sequined leggings for the rest of my life.
- “Make sure to obey traffic signals. Getting hit by a cab would leave a really bad impression with a guest. Seriously.” I don’t know. If I was on a campus tour and my tour guide got Mean Girls-style mauled by a taxi cab, I would probably send in my deposit in 2-3 days.
And one truth: “Don’t deny the existence of substances on campus; you will lose all credibility for the rest of your tour.” Fact.