The 10 Biggest Lies NYU Ambassadors Tell

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Will Pulos’ Confessions of An NYU Admissions Ambassador post was attacked by a group of incredibly gung-ho admissions ambassadors last week Jesse stone night passage download. The beat down was vicious and riddled with cliches about friendship. This week, Will defends his stance further.

Even though the “living document” that was once my NYU admissions ambassador handbook has died (RIP), I was still able to leaf through its recently deceased pages and find the 10 biggest lies of that shining program on a hill. (Clearly, certain ambassadors’ recent description of me as “embittered” and “crass” is quite accurate.)

  1. Ambassadors are told to tell their personal NYU stories on their tours. This story, however, can’t include “parties, drinking, illegal drug use, student suicides, or celebrity gossip. These things should never be discussed.” I got nothing.
  2. One of the areas you are told to cover is the size of the University. One suggested statement: “It doesn’t feel as big as it is because of res halls, clubs, and academic programs.” Sure. My Murder She Wrote fan club basically makes me feel like I’m living in a co-op at Vassar.
  3. One great way suggested to break the ice is to ask each student on your tours who their “favorite Saved by the Bell character” is. This is not a good way to break the ice. In my personal experience, it has generally led to a downward spiral of Showgirls sound bites.
  4. You’re encouraged to talk about how NYU is “in and of New York.” For example, talk about “utilizing NYC in your academics (writing the essay in Central Park).” The last time I utilized the city for a class was when I wrote a haiku about getting spit on by a homeless man. I called it “My NYU Story.”
  5. “Please make sure to refer to our student living facilities as Residence Halls (or Res Halls for short). Dorms are just for sleeping, you actively live and learn in your Res Hall.” I would love for someone to inform the Freshman stoner living down the hall in Goddard of this requirement.
  6. One talking point you’re given for discussing Coles and Palladium is the Tear It Up program. The handbook goes on to describe it as “Great events, free tickets and merchandise – what more can you ask for?” …
  7. How should an Admissions Ambassador deal with angry parents? “Don’t snap, keep your temper, and always smile. It will help keep your spirits up!” I’m actually pretty sure it’s a little more satisfying to put patriarchal Texans in their place.
  8. If someone makes a negative comment about the University: “Remain calm. Most negatives have positive sides as well. Always mention the positive!” You know what doesn’t have a positive? Having to wait 15 minutes for a Hell-evator in Silver and then getting repeatedly groped by greasy haired Biology major.
  9. If you’re asked, “Do you feel safe in this neighborhood?” The suggested answer is, “Absolutely. This is a very safe neighborhood and a common destination for our city’s many tourists.” Lie. There is nothing more horrifying than walking around this American Apparel clusterfuck after 10pm. I’m pretty sure I’ll be having nightmares about sequined leggings for the rest of my life.
  10. “Make sure to obey traffic signals. Getting hit by a cab would leave a really bad impression with a guest. Seriously.” I don’t know. If I was on a campus tour and my tour guide got Mean Girls-style mauled by a taxi cab, I would probably send in my deposit in 2-3 days.

And one truth: “Don’t deny the existence of substances on campus; you will lose all credibility for the rest of your tour.” Fact.

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    14 Comments

  1. says

    Oh my god this is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you for opening yourself up to the scorn of a hoard of angry internet commenters in the name of journalism… or at least in the name of blogging.

    “The handbook goes on to describe it as “Great events, free tickets and merchandise – what more can you ask for?” …

    LOL. No explanation needed. I’m a senior and I still don’t know what the hell Tear it Up is. What, exactly, are we tearing up? This exquisite turn of phrase is officially lost on me.

  2. says

    Saved by the Bell? Really? That’s like an unrealistic parody of what an out-of-touch administration would encourage ambassadors to talk about.

    Better icebreaker: Your favorite character from the Screech sex tape.

  3. Julianna M. says

    Why has NYUlocal suddenly gone on a crusade against the student ambassadors? Who cares? You’ve already been accepted and have no responsibility toward potential students.

    I’m sorry you had a bad work experience, but did you really expect anything other than being a type of camp counselor figure?

  4. Mary Poppins says

    Seriously, what did you expect? I’m not an ambassador and I never will be, because it’s really not my thing, but nothing I’ve read here is all that shocking. (Ok, the Saved by the Bell thing is a little strange.) It’s a job, where you have guidelines that you’re meant to follow. You really think it would be a good idea to discuss student suicides on a tour of the campus? Or to bitchslap an annoying parent?

    Yes, NYU is trying to paint a rosy, cheerful picture for every prospective student and their parents who are visiting campus. What else are they supposed to do? Instruct tour guides to complain about their classes and their stoner roommates? You think this is different at any other school?

    More importantly, how are you ever going to hold a real job if you aren’t able to follow instructions that you may not be all that pleased with?

    And ok, I’m a senior and I have no idea what Tear it Up really is.

  5. John Nash says

    Agree with Liz. Where exactly is there a lie? These are what are called
    ‘talking points.’ Not sure that it’s a lie to omit the fact that you got obliterated at Still last night to a bunch of high school kids and their parents. They probably wouldn’t be that interested in the first place…

  6. Stephen Brown says

    I know I already posted on the other article you wrote about Ambassadors, but I felt compelled to mention one thing that hasn’t been said here already. While both my fellow Ambassadors and non-Ambassadors have pointed out that none of these are lies and that common sense prevails in many of these points, I wanted to tell everyone outside of the program that many of the things mocked within this article were taken lightheartedly and jokingly within the program.

    The name “Living Document” was said with a laugh by both our current and former boss, and it was much more often just referred to as a binder. Much of the contents therein were written or edited by students, not ” out-of-touch administration.” The Saved By The Bell ice breaker was never seriously intended, but apparently the handbook needed less humor.

  7. Beau Benson says

    I agree with Emily Nash. If the writers of the NYU Local hate NYU, then peace the fuck out and go somewhere else! No one will miss any of you.

  8. Brian Pollock says

    Are you kidding me? NYU is absolutely in a safe neighborhood. Never have I once felt unsafe in this area. Even at 1 or 2 in the morning. If that’s how you feel, then maybe you should be on a middle-of-nowhere campusy type school… Yeah the elevators are a little slow….get over it. There are slow elevators everywhere, it’s not like NYU has only the slowest elevators in the world. And also, get some exercise and take the stairs once in a while. No line for that. Or if you must take the elevator, get there a little early, yeah a lot of kids have to get to class so yeah it’ll take a while to wait. Surprising? Not really. And I’m sorry you were spit on by a homeless man in central park, but it’s not like that’s just your average day in New York, it’s still the same amazing city and Central Park is a beautiful place to get work done, or any park for that matter. And you have such a problem with the guy smoking weed in the place he lives? Then don’t go to college…just being honest.

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