Since last night’s liveblog got a lot of comments, we’re going to try the same thing again for McCain’s speech tonight, starting at 9:30. Joining me this time will be NYU Local opinion bloggers Pat McGovern and Charlie Eisenhood. Due to technical limitations, we’re not going to actually be in the same room and will be attempting to coordinate the whole thing online, so this should be an exciting experiment in chaos.

Remember: Watch this space at 9:30 PM!

9:23: It begins.

9:24: No TV? You can watch along with us while we liveblog! Check it out:

Live TV by Ustream

Isn’t living in the future awesome?

9:30: Expectations time! I predict McCain will do worse than this:

But slightly better than this:

And if you were wondering where the title of this post came from … now you know.

9:38: Cindy McCain delivering a sleepy little speech right now. I feel like she’s reading me a right-wing bedtime story.

9:45: McCain’s mic is up way too high. She keeps making weird noises into it during the pauses. Someone should just turn it off during the applause lines.

9:48: Charlie Eisenhood: “If this is supposed to humanize and soften McCain, it’s not working. This is terribly boring.”

9:52: Pat McGovern: “This sounds like one of those infomercials where you can sponsor a poor kid for like 5 bucks a month.”

Me: “We’re starting to sound like Mystery Science Theater 3000: Republican Convention edition.”

9:55: Why is Cindy McCain wearing a Navy medallion on her outfit? Her husband’s the military one in the family, right? I vaguely remember hearing something about him being a POW.

9:57: Pat approves of the music selection post-Cindy McCain speech. As do I.

Hooray for awkwardly dancing delegates!

9:58: Charlie: “”I wonder if she threw the speech to avoid upstaging the awkward speech to follow”

10:00: On the PA system: “Celebrate good times some more!”

Pat: “These shots of the rnc getting down to 70’s funk are easily the most awkward things i have ever seen”

Me: “This song seems like a really poor choice given the apocalyptic message of a lot of the speeches”

Charlie: “maybe not the best song choice with Bush still in office and your policies looking a lot like his…”

10:03: Christ. They’re really dragging out the musical interlude. We’re on song number three now. Bring out the candidate! Please!

10:04: Oh, good. They’re playing one of those schmaltzy biography videos now. DID YOU KNOW JOHN MCCAIN WAS A POW?!!

10:11: The whole tone of this video is weird. Obama’s bio video at least tried to portray the candidate as somewhat humble, but this one really plays up the messianic qualities. To a godawful Final Fantasy synth soundtrack.

10:12: John McCain appears wreathed in a glowing ball of light, looking like nothing more than a septuagenarian Republican E.T.

10:16: The color of the screen behind McCain just faded to … oh god …

Pat: “The Green Screen of Death lives”

10:18: Charlie: “Awkward grins…Go!”

God, I love sequels.

10:21: So far not quite as creepy and awkward as the infamous green screen speech. But let’s see how this plays out.

10:22: After McCain promises victory in the election, audience chants, “YES WE CAN!” realizes that’s Obama’s slogan, and awkwardly transitions to “YES WE WILL!” And, of course, they have to chant “USA! USA!” every two goddamn minutes. In case we forgot they all love America.

10:25: Pat: “a ‘happy’ john mccain is much scarier than an angry one”

10:26: Here we go again. Palin’s “tackled” corruption. Tackled it in a giant bear hug, maybe.

10:28: It’s so weird to hear a long-serving, thoroughly entrenched insider Senator warn DC that, “Change is coming.” It’s like hearing the Joker give a lecture on the rule of law, complete with the creepy grinning.

10:30: Now McCain’s claiming that he fought corruption. CoughKeatingFivecough.

10:31: Charlie: “This is just not believable. John McCain as maverick just doesn’t mesh with the last three months or the last three days of this convention”

10:35: “I tangibly feel the steam escaping from this campaign”

I don’t know. As mediocre as this speech is, I think it will be considered a success in its mediocrity. At least it’s not a trainwreck.

10:38: This speech is everything Obama’s detractors say that his are. “Change is awesome! I love good things! Vote for me!”

10:39: Charlie: ” ‘We believe in…communities!’ But not community organizers…”

10:41: Apparently Obama wants to reduce unemployment by “wishing away the global economy.” Dude, if you’re going to criticize your opponent’s economic policies, at least find out what they are.

10:42: “Education is the civil rights issue of this century.” Take that, gay people who want to get married! And renditioned “enemy combatants!”

10:45: Pat: “The energy that was in the crowd at the DNC is just not present tonight, everything comes off as forced (and unlike Barack, McCain has brought no delegates to tears)”

The longer this goes on, the more McCain stumbles and slurs his words. It’s not even enough of a trainwreck to be funny. It’s just sort of weird and sad.

10:46: Pat: “McCain wants to stop sending billions every year to countries that don’t like us very much. ( like Iraq?) ”

Don’t forget human lives!

Tom in the comments:

Empower parents with choice!

….Unless you’re a woman

10:49: McCain promises to “stabilize relations with Russia.” This is after basically calling the Kremlin a bunch of evil brutes, and famously saying, “We’re all Georgians now.”

10:52: McCain rails against “constant partisan rancor.” I guess he didn’t watch his running mate’s speech last night.

10:54: Pat: “‘I have that record and the scars to prove it,’ followed by a wink; is he serious?”

10:56: Technical difficulties! Pat loses audio. He’s missing out on the awesomeness!

McCain’s addressing his POW experience right now. A rare moment - you’ll notice that he doesn’t like his campaign to bring it up too much.

11:01: You might have noticed that Vets Against the War heckler on TV. Apparently he was arrested and kicked out of the convention center. Dana Goldstein scored an interview immediately after.

11:02: Now McCain is urging everyone to public service and to “defend the rights of the oppressed.” Unless you want to be a community organizer. Fuck those guys.

11:04: Closing cry: “STAND UP! STAND UP AND FIGHT! STAND UP!”

Apparently he needs to order people in order to get standing ovations.

11:05: It’s over! McCain departs the stage to the tune of “Raising McCain.” GET IT?!!

What did you guys think?

Photo by Flickr user NewsHour used under a Creative Commons license.