Last week the Greek life-oriented website Total Frat Move published the compelling “50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend.” If you’re a woman (and in college), you might be thinking, “Hey, that sounds really useful”—or, if you have a brain and an ounce of self-respect, you might be thinking, “What?”
The criteria composed by the vapid, sexist d-bag known as Stuff Frat People Like is neither funny nor ironic — it’s an embarrassing and lazy catalog that encourages women to get on the pill and lie about the number of people they’ve slept with.
Seeing as we’re two college-aged ladies, we felt particularly struck by the blatant misogyny perpetuated by this BuzzFeed-esque counterfeit. To be fair, TFM’s sister-site, Total Sorority Move, published a similar article titled, “50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Boyfriend,” but shockingly their list was equally as sexist towards women, leading us to believe that both were written by the same ignorant asshole.
With all of this douchebaggery in mind, we decided to draft our own “college boyfriend” constitution. Following is the NYU Local edition of “50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Boyfriend.” Enjoy.
1. Please treat us like the living, breathing human beings that we are.
2. Don’t hate us for not wanting to have your penis in our mouths all the time.
3. Don’t make us feel bad for asking you to wear a condom. We are on the pill; we just want to be safe.
4. No, pulling out does not constitute safe sex.
5. Saying that “women are crazy” is a bullshit excuse for not wanting to take our thoughts seriously. Find a different way to generalize half the population.
6. Seriously, cut it out with the “gaslighting” schtick.
7. Don’t slap our butts in public. We “pretend” we don’t like it because we actually don’t like it.
8. Don’t mistake our lack of sexual fulfillment for clingy-ness.
9. We don’t want less sex, we want less bad sex.
10. Don’t act pissed when you find out that we own a vibrator.
11. We don’t care what your “number” is. Don’t care about ours.
12. Note: passive aggression looks bad on everyone.
13. Stop giving a fuck as to what kind of alcoholic beverages we prefer!
14. Wanting to know what you’re up to is not the same as wanting to know what ring you’re going to buy us. Chill. Out.
15. Chill. Out.
16. Put the seat down! Come on!!!
17. If you like to smoke weed, that’s cool. Some of us like to smoke weed too.
18. If you’re going to be a stoner, at least be an ambitious stoner.
19. Actually: be an ambitious stoner.
20. Don’t introduce us to people as your “friend.” It doesn’t matter what we are. Just say, “this is” and our name.
21. Stop complaining about nice guys finishing last.
22. Do us a favor: finish last.
23. Please stop trying to make “weight” a thing. We’re not fat, we’re genetically engineered to bear your children.
24. Don’t feel threatened by our gay — or guy — friends.
25. There’s no such thing as “accidental anal,” so don’t even try to get away with that one.
26. If you’re going to be an asshole, at least be an intelligent asshole.
27. Don’t dismiss our opinions — respectfully disagree.
28. Don’t take this dude’s advice.
29. “Before you do anything, ask yourself ‘Would a psychopath do this?’” We’re not telling you this because you’re a dude. This is just solid life advice.
30. If you subscribe to the normative social structures that claim women must prioritize marriage and children over work and personal fulfillment, go fuck yourself.
31. Our body, our choice. If you have a problem with that, you can have a go at giving birth.
32. If your name is Erick Erickson, just… please.
33. It’s okay to have “feelings,” you manly man.
34. When we ask you if something’s wrong, it’s because we actually want to know if something’s wrong.
35. We don’t want to talk all the time either.
36. If you think you might be gay, please tell us!
37. Don’t tell us you “wish” you could “treat us better.” Just, um, treat us better.
38. Don’t be a member of this team. (Note: scroll over the images for effect)
39. We’re not coming over at 3 A.M. because you’re bored.
40. We’re coming over at 3 A.M. because we’re bored.
41. We’re not asking you to sleep over so we can cuddle. We’re asking you to sleep over so we can have morning sex.
42. We’re cool with porn, but, you know, not all of us are pornstars.
44. Know that we possess sexual agency, which isn’t code for “we’re slutty.”
45. Daddy issues are pansexual.
46. Don’t believe everything you read about oxytocin. We’re not saying it isn’t real, we’re just saying you’re not that great.
47. Not all of us are “liberal feminists,” but even if we were, why is that a bad thing?
48. Don’t be grossed out by periods. Are you in middle school or something?
49. It’s worth mentioning that you should be funny, but whatever.
50. Don’t write articles like “50 Ways To Be The Best College Girlfriend.”