So the mustache thing. It’s a pun, ya know? “We mustache you a question.” Get it? Because Welcome Week leaders are the biggest trolls of all time. Anyway they went all-out with videos this year that nobody watched, pretending we didn’t have one of the best film and drama departments in the world, what with their fancy sound and editing and acting experience. When we decided to watch them, we knew they would be bad. We didn’t know what true despair felt like at the time. They aren’t ranked, because Dante was wrong—Hell has no circles, just mustaches.
NYU Survival Tips
None of these things make sense. Be ashamed to keep a map with you. Keep your cell phone, for goddsakes. Move so fast you forget this month ever happened. Why do they always use swing dancing as an example of a New York Experience? We have never swing danced. (Swang danced?) We don’t know anyone who swing danced. What is swing dancing, really?
NYU Welcome We-e-e-ek Song!
They really wanted this to be a Thing. Go viral even. We’re counting on that song being forgettable enough to, uh, forget this ever happened. The only thing this proved is the fact that Welcome Week leaders can’t help but being the corniest, cheesiest awful things ever. IT GETS BETTER. (Also note the weird capitalization in the singalong.)
Meet The Offenders
We love the sorority girl. Remember how you don’t start conversations with “What’s your major?” Also this video is five minutes long. Only Taylor Swift gets to make five minute videos.
Britney Spears always wins. Frank Costa is a shameless narcissist that will probably murder us all one day. We love him. Narrative issues in the third act.
“I love living in Goddard” is a great example of the power of film to show us things that would never happen. And the Friends thing is played out?
We watched this until acapella Empire State. Then we turned it off. Sorry.
We didn’t watch this at all. Sorry.
Aside from the lighting issues, this is the best video. There is a nature doc conceit, AND a news conceit. There are unintelligible PSA interludes. We love TEAM MIKALYA.
This video is mad weird. It’s like some outsider David Lynch shit. “Do You Believe in Magic” takes on a menace here. Did they all die at the end or what?
We always imagined the NYU acceptance letter to speak with a Bane voice.
THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE JESUS.
This is probably the best one, but we are so burnt out.
This is a physically painful thing to watch. It took rehearsal time. In each rehearsal, everyone thought this was a good idea.
If you’re ever worried you’re an untalented asshole, the good news is that you’ll never be as bad as Welcome Week leaders.
HAHA This is actually a hilarious video. They use the AT&T logo for NYU. Four times. “Which is better—NYU Tisch, or a tank full of fish?” Paige W can suck it. It’s not complicated.
Javon is probably into ropes. Kind of into it tbh. There’s a “No Diggity” parody.
This is a parody of a Welcome Week video. Watch for the poorly-concealed disdain for the process and all human life.
1. NYU Welcome Week Scheduling System
Screenshots! Twangy acoustic guitar! Tutorial for byzantine scheduling systems made obsolete by just a PDF we found from 4 seconds of googling! The halfhearted miserable “you only Welcome Week once!” YOWWO! You will never have to watch this video again after next week! YOWWO!
Can’t Hold Us Lip Dub
And here’s the grand finale. Like 400 hyper-earnest kids dressing up and twerking to Macklemore. They all have mustaches. Some of them are wearing costumes. Housie Maguire is there for some reason. Dude just did a backflip! It’s a great microcosm of NYU’s self-perception: too much money, too much free time, too much enthusiasm. Talent and common sense are not in the equation.
Welcome to NYU, kids. If you made it to the end of this post, want to get a drink?