Good Riddance, NYU: 50 Things We Will Not Miss About Our Time Here

on 15 May, 2013

Fellow seniors: have you been feeling ultra nostalgic lately? Have you been belligerently screaming to your friends “I can’t believe it’s oveeeeeeeeeeeer!” every night you go out for the past five months? Are you currently scrolling through old Facebook photos of Hayden parties to arouse some sort of internal reconciliation that yes, college is over and it’s time for you to put your real-world pants on? Well, stop. Please.

Over the past four years, we, NYU Local co-EIC Myles Tanzer and Editors Leah Clancy and John Surico, have been collecting our grievances with the “community” here on Washington Square Park. Yes, of course, it’s sad that you can’t throw up on the bar at Coyote Ugly and use college as an excuse anymore. And it’s sad you won’t feel a part of the campus that you’ve called home since September of 2009. But replace despair with relief. Because there’s a lot of things we’re very, very happy to see come to an end.

  1. Emails from: Skirball Center, Student Resource Center, Ticket Central, Sylvan Salloway, Jules Marten, Student Council, NYU Health Center, John Sexton, etc., etc.
  2. Seeing Welcome Week friends on the street and enduring the ten-second sidewalk chat that ensues.
  3. The blind, hot rage that comes from someone pressing 2 on the Bobst elevators. There are stairs — take them.
  4. Trying not to laugh when someone tells you their Gallatin concentration.
  5. Class blogs. No, Professor, no one will ever, ever read these posts.
  6. Class e-mail threads. “I had the sniffles on Monday and totally forgot to grab the notes, WHOOPSIE DAISY! Can we start a 30-email thread about every single detail that covered in Nat Sci II please?”
  7. “As you can see on the syllabus…”
  8. Finals. Four separate midterms. In-class assignments. Homework.
  9. Not being able to smoke within 50 feet of NYU buildings.
  10. The taste of the water fountains anywhere on campus, but especially in Silver.
  11. People who put on “Ignition (Remix)” or “Empire State of Mind” at every party. “OH MY GOD, do U guyz lyke remember THIS SONG! This is MY SONG!”
  12. Tic & Tac ruining our tanning sessions in the park.
  13. NYU Republicans.
  14. NYU Democrats.
  15. The Strawberry Festival.
  16. Any NYU event that offers “free food.” We do not want to go to the South Korean Christian Computer Engineers club — especially if you’re giving away cold pizza.
  17. The H-word.
  18. Everything but the crossword in Washington Square News.
  19. THE MAD, MAD FUCKING DASH THAT IS TRYING TO PRINT SOMETHING BEFORE CLASS.
  20. Going to Bobst. For anything ever (other than banging in the stacks).
  21. Being asked, “Hey, what school are you in?”
  22. Having to re-enact the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire on a daily basis while climbing the stairs of Silver.
  23. Facebook event invites from NYU Greek Life/Amanda Sarah.
  24. Joan Torch jokes. Joan Torch is funny by herself. No need to add to it.
  25. Housie Maguire. He’s insanely creepy and not at all cute.
  26. Getting grilled by the Jesus that looks out the window of the Catholic Center.
  27. Course evaluations.
  28. Drooling, sprawled-out-on-the-desk nappers.
  29. The kid that brings a Chipotle burrito to class.
  30. Having to sign in someone in to your building so you can have sex with them in your XL twin bed.
  31. Space Market’s coffee.
  32. Campus Eatery’s anything.
  33. The hell you have to pay for forgetting your ID.
  34. The stress that comes with the fear of being a subject on NYU Secrets/NYU Compliments.
  35. People who talk about their study abroad experiences too much.
  36. Registering for classes.
  37. People who spin the cube on Astor Place and look at it like it’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.
  38. Unpaid internships.
  39. Sad Columbia rejects.
  40. Taking a stance on NYU 2031.
  41. Annoying relatives who ask what you’re doing after graduation.
  42. The elevators in any building that’s over 20 years old.
  43. Stern’s private Wi-Fi. It’s like Internet bottle service.
  44. Going to your umpteenth 21st birthday party.
  45. Hugs from John Sexton.
  46. Strangers who ask you how much you pay for NYU.
  47. Knowing the Wasserman Center won’t really get us a job and that no one will ever look through that giant resume book.
  48. Explaining to people that Lady Gaga and the Olsen twins never graduated from your school and that you don’t know them or see them all of the time.
  49. The NYU 1831 Fund.
  50. That one senior who still rocks his Welcome Week lanyard like it’s 2009.
But what is #1 on the list of the things we will miss?
Being crotchety old NYU veterans complaining about all of this goofy, unimportant shit. Guess we’ll have to just become real New Yorkers and complain about everything else.
You guys, it’s been fun. Really, really fun.

[image via]