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/ March 13, 2013
How Not To Kill Your Roommate Before Spring Break

It’s been two and a half months. The once pristine kitchen is in disarray, the floor hasn’t been cleaned for a month, and you’re pretty sure that smell is something dead in the heater.

As you spend long days in class and even longer nights in Bobst you come home to this slob–your roommate–sitting on an unmade bed and eating your non-fat organic Greek yogurt. You’ve had enough, but before you move that pile of clothes out of the way to get a better aim at the jugular, read on for some tips that will keep you both sane until Spring Break gives you the time apart you need.

1. Make their downfall your mantra.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Say after me: F— them. Breathe. Again. Focus and channel this rage. Feel a bit of an adrenaline rush imagining the things you could put in their bed? Good. Now stay away from the room right now, and channel that energy into your thesis on post modern modernism. It’s better than Adderall.

2. Exercise.

There’s nothing more satisfying than getting in that extra mile of your run on pure hatred. Head over to St. Marks for some Yoga to the People, and not only will the meditation relax you, but you’ll be out of the room and into some deep stretches that will make you forget all about the dishes in the sink. Remember, exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t kill their roommates.

3. Resist the urge to attack.

There are still two months left in the semester, which means two months of paying a freshman to check your food for poison if you aren’t careful in this final stretch before break. Remain civil, and you’ll save money on laundry when you’re not constantly checking your sheets for bugs.

4. Artfully break off plans to live together now.

Roommates all have rough patches, but if you see death plots in your future, your friendship may not be safe. Now is the time to regret those October-November plans to live together next year; that’s a long commitment to make with someone who sexiles you on weeknights. Artfully decline by making plans with other, more sane friends, or use your parents as a last ditch excuse. “My mom really wants me to have a single in Alumni without anyone I know” can be made to sound convincing.

5. Still being attacked and abused? Kill them. Accidentally, of course.*

Find out if the rumors are true about free tuition.

Only three days left, people! C’mon, we can make it. Just think happy thoughts.


*NYU Local does not endorse murder.


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