The approximate running time of James Franco’s segment on The Colbert Report this past Tuesday was 6 minutes and 24 seconds. While any other actor might take at least 10 minutes before coyly displaying their esteem, Franco proves he only needs to open his mouth. We watched the show and came to a tough realization: James Franco’s ego looks even bigger on T.V.
Blame it on the size of the frame or maybe the light pink tie, but whatever it is, we’ve listed six new things we learned about Hollywood’s Mr. Narcisuss in six minutes.
1. He needs a dissertation as an introduction.
“Actor, Director, Writer, Poet, Artist, Student, Teacher, Recently Grand Marshall at the Daytona 500.”
Colbert opens the segment with Franco’s laundry list of achievements, thankfully omitting ‘Soap Opera Star.’ He goes onto reference the actor’s upcoming flick, Oz the Great and Powerful, but unfortunately leaves out Franco’s sure-to-be-Oscar-winning turn in Spring Breakers.
2. We’re not buying the studious scarecrow.
Colbert asks the question present in any profile ever written about Franco: “Why do you do all the things you do?” Franco proceeds to talk about his choice to leave education for acting, only to then feel “a little bit like the scare crow” in the original Wizard of Oz (“If I only had a brain.”) So after admitting to having ‘no social life, he decides to go back to school, get his diploma, and realize—“Oh, I guess I had it all along.” Direct quote.
3. His smile.
It has entire Tumblrs and YouTube videos. In a few weeks, it will probably have its own “Why James Franco’s Smile Could Stop Global Warming” article on BuzzFeed. In any event, it’s the kind of adorable you want to puke on yourself with. And he knows it.
SC: “So, you’re just playing James Franco…That must be hard.”
JF: *smiles* “Practice.”
4. He’s going on Broadway.
Since respectable actors delve into theater one time or another during their career, Franco obviously must do the same. He mentions his upcoming production “Of Mice & Men” on Broadway. He’s playing George, but we’re all hoping he’d play Lenny. That way, we’d get cool memes of DiCaprio schooling his ass in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.
5. “You think you’re just as fascinating as you were before?” – Colbert
(Silence). His face. Period.
6. Tolkien showdown.
After dropping words like ‘emphatically’ and making sure to boast he was re-reading The Silmarillion, Franco had the audacity to challenge Colbert to name just two of the Valar.
To which Colbert responds with a Tolkien smack attack:
“Do you want the Valar of water Oromë or the hunter of the Valararomea?” We would recite the rest, but unfortunately, Colbert’s Tolkien expertise is far beyond ours. But at least we didn’t reveal that on national television.
FINAL TALLY: Colbert 1, Franco 0.