Finding an appropriate way to commemorate on yet another singles Valentine’s Day is like trying to celebrate your dog’s birthday on December 25th. Give up. No one cares. Right?
Wrong! Stop being so negative. Thanks to the city that never sleeps, there are hundreds of (non-drug related) ways to create a Valentine’s Day that’s tailored for the oh-so-very-much-yes-I-am-quite-single masses. After all, a party of one is still a party. It takes two to tango, but who the hell tangos? Assholes.
In one shameless last huzzah. a rebellion against the Valentine’s Day gods, may you party (for one) hard. Here’s how.
Literally. Get hot at hot yoga, in a room so heated the walls are sweating. Go to Yoga to the People on 26th Street for an hour and a half class at 7:30 or an hour class at 9. Pay $8 at the door, and the body you build will give you a better chance at not being alone this time next year. Think of it like insurance. And insurance always gets you hot.
Go to They’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone: Gallatin’s Blues Symposium.
Come to Gallatin today to hang with everyone else that is independent and proud. What’s cooler than listening to the blues on Valentine’s Day? See the schedule for the full day of day of conversations and interdisciplinary approaches to the history and legacy of blues music in the United States. Free music, visiting scholars, faculty discussions, and live performances starting at 12:30 PM and lasting until 9:30 at 1 Washington Place. Just want to go to the concert? Get to Gallatin at 6:30 for the good seats.
Watch some monkeys get it on.
Go to Prospect Park Zoo. Get there early in the day for an $8 admission and a chance to see what you’re not having. Crazy, wild, animal sex.
Have legendary ball-rolling fun.
You heard right—Brewskee Ball. It’s free on Valentines Day, along with complimentary pretzels and hot dogs on 318 Grand Street in Williamsburg from 5 PM to 4 the next morning. Free balls and wieners all night long. Hooray!
With the MTA. That is absolutely factual—the MTA is hosting a Valentine’s Party. Because the MTA loves everything. The theme is Missed Connections, inspired by Craigslist. Held at the Vanderbilt Hall in Grand Central, the party is from 6-8 PM for $15 at the door. Go for some transportation-themed music by Left on Red. This is a perfect evening starter to your all-alone Valentine’s Day. After all, who doesn’t feel loved by the MTA?
New York City’s legendary Singles Bar Crawl. Chance after chance to get laid. And hammered. You’ll be trashier than a discarded bouquet of carnations; embrace it. Tickets are here.
Laugh at somebody else’s pathetic life.
Nothing makes you feel better about your sad self than ridiculing somebody else’s. At UCB East, the Valentine’s Day improv comedy show will be based upon one unlucky audience member’s failed love life. Just be sure not to be that audience member. For $5 at the door, the show starts at 7:30, featuring writers from 30 Rock, The Daily Show, and the hit slapstick comedy Gossip Girl.
Boogie to the beat.
This is reason to live on February 14th, 2013. Questlove is spinning at the Brooklyn Bowl, accompanied by throwback Soul Train videos. Tickets are $8 and doors open at 10:30 PM. Go solo, close your eyes, and forget that people can physically see you.
Boogie with lesbians.
You haven’t boogied until you’ve shaken your tush with lesbians. Attend Lesbian Prom at the Dalloway. Starts at 8PM, and won’t disappoint. Find yourself a lovely lady for Galentine’s Day.
Happy hour with Pat Pervert.
At Otto’s Shrunken Head, on 14th between Ave A and B. Enough said.
Homo Erectus: My Furry Valentine
Have some furry men entertain you at the Stonewall Inn on 53 Christopher Street. And some fuzzy ones. Yank on a beard or nuzzle up in some chest hair. Both are okay. It’s a $10 entrance and a two drink minimum.
With more options than actual Valentines, you’re sure to have a celebratory night. And, no matter how hard you think Singles Awareness Day sucks, just know it’d be sucking harder if you were actually in some kind of partnership.