Are you sick of Valentine’s Day posts yet? We hope not, because this is the definitive guide for what to do on Valentine’s Day for any nebulous romantic situation you might be in. One of us is Ashley: a straight girl who acts boy crazy but also experiments as a LUG. The other is Alex: a gay boy who acts boy crazy but also experiments as a virgin forever.
If you’re in a comfortable relationship and want to spice up your sex life…
Alex: Use Valentine’s Day as an excuse to be 100% honest with your mate. Don’t hold back, no matter what, just say, “I am a sexual creature, hear me roar! (And please put a bag over my head and call me Helen Keller)” or something. (I don’t know what kind of weird stuff you guys are into.)
Ashley: POPPERS! This is no surprise to some of you, but, straight people, do you know about this?! They’re great at parties, at home, or in the shower, but they’re even better during sex. There will be tons of tongue for a little while and you both might finally cum simultaneously (just kidding it’s not a miracle drug!)
If you’re an awkward new couple…
Alex: Consider Valentine’s Day “The Holiday Which Must Not Be Named” and just say, “Hey so um February 14 is a day in which we could maybe hang out and I don’t know eat dinner together or I don’t know.” Also, if you’ve held off on having sex (which, you probably haven’t) you should maybe hold off from doing it on Valentine’s, since that might just be a little too romantic for a new couple. Or, you can act super cool and recognize the awkwardness and watch Love, Actually together and laugh at all those silly jewelry commercials together. Addressing the awkwardness head-on is always a safe move.
Ashley: Say something like, “Stop being so awkward about this,” and suggest that your partner make reservations at a restaurant to which you’ve been meaning to go. (Hint: Bianca and Rosemary’s both don’t take reservations so if everything is booked go there or somewhere in Brooklyn.) You should also buy poppers and do those afterward.
If you have nobody to call except for a booty call…
Alex: Call that one booty call guy/gal! You guys should have sex on Valentine’s Day. Sweet, emotionless, animalistic sex in which you say no words to each other save for the occasional “you’re doing great!”
Ashley: Don’t call them! Pretend like you have plans with someone with whom you’re in a more committed relationship with (maybe you do!) and then send them sexy Snapchats after you’ve had a few too many drinks. (I’ve really been wanting to send naked snapchats so if you want to my username is ashleyanndarcy. HMU.)
If you have multiple sex partners…
Alex: Consider this an opportunity to grow up and choose the one you want to be with. Sorry to be so harsh, but trust me, an honest move like this one will make you feel like a real human adult, and who knows, maybe the one you choose will become the one you love for a long time.
Ashley: There has to be one that you like more than the rest! Don’t ask any of these people to hang out. Friday morning, you’ll feel good about preserving your dignity.
If you’re gay and you haven’t come out yet…
Alex: Hang out with your favorite ‘fairy-tail’ (that’s the politically-correct term for ‘fag hag’) and watch some gay porn together! Or, if that seems too weird a step to take in your friendship, maybe just watch a regular movie. But spend time with somebody! Don’t sulk about your confused sexuality just because everybody else seems so confident about their own, because we all know how insecure everybody actually is.
Ashley: Ditto what Alex says!
If you’re all alone and lonely…
Alex: Remember that Valentine’s Day is bullshit and we all die alone anyway, so get over it and watch an episode of Girls.
Ashley: Don’t do that! Go out on a date with your best friend. Go to that restaurant that you’ve had a Groupon for since last September. But, I guess if you have to be alone, listen to Fiona Apple and read Cat Marnell. This advice may not seem gender-neutral, but it totally is. Good luck out there, everyone!