Violets are Blue: Yale Kids Are Driven To Succeed In The Bedroom But What About Us?

First Things recently published an article claiming that the Yale student body has an overachieving attitude so intense, it permeates into the bedroom. Yes, that’s right. Not only is Yale known for educating some of the most intelligent students in the world, it now touts a reputation of having a student populace so driven, they’re even better at sex than the rest of us.

So, in the spirit of pseudo-scientific logic and rigorous journalistic analysis, NYU Local has explored the sexual reputation of each school within New York University based on their finest stereotypes and cliches.

The Gallatin School of Individualized Study

The Gallatino’s reputation of having academic A.D.H.D. carries to the bedroom. We imagine the sex would involve some sort of interdisciplinary post-post-modern exploration of the ways in which post-war socio-political progression has permeated our personal spaces. The sex would occur in two parts, the first being some sort of hyper-bourgeois sexual behavior, that is, lots of boring missionary position, in order to illustrate a post-Reagan America in which our creativity has been stifled by a total lack of quality Disney cartoons produced after 1980. Then, in order to convey the paralyzing shock of our 21st century digital revolution, the student would probably begin to incorporate a favorite childhood toy into the act; the awkwardness of sexually cooperating with an old stuffed animal or Barbie doll symbolizes the discomfort of social media interaction. Or something.

The Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development

If Steinhardt kids can communicate as clearly as your favorite elementary school teacher, imagine screwing your favorite elementary school teacher! Or, actually, maybe don’t. But if you find yourself in the midst of a one-night stand with a teacher-to-be, remember how much he or she values both “cultural exploration” and using your words to communicate how, exactly, you’d like to sex. You don’t have to worry about clever literary one-liners that would merely suggest your obsession with hanging upside-down, you can just plainly say, “I’ve always appreciated how indigenous African cultures use ropes to incite orgasms, can you tie me upside down, please?”

The Stern School of Business

Stern students are dull, robotic number-crunchers who, unlike the rest of us Bohemian Manhattanites, are here to make money and exploit blah blah blah. This stereotype is boring and probably totally inaccurate when it comes to the likely possibility that Sternies are better at role-playing than Tisch kids. After all, they have all the kinkiest secretary and bossman outfits, and there’s really nothing hotter than getting tossed on a desk and having the bobby-pins screwed right outta yer hair.

The Tisch School of the Arts

Remember that scene in Girls where Marnie is forced to stare at the hanging babydoll and describe its emotions while getting fucked face-down by that fun-sized artist from Hot Rod? ‘Nuff said.

The College of Arts and Sciences

The most overarching CAS stereotype is probably that, relative to the rest of the university, these students are boring and confused about what in the world they want to do with their lives. If the stereotype is at all true, which we’re not claiming it to be, we’d bet that CAS students would still encourage both kinds of sex: man-on-top, and (if you’re lucky to be with the artsiest creative writing minor out there), woman-on-top too.

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  1. chuck person says

    an open letter to alexander seedman, king of the idiot turds:

    why did you write this

    why did you spend time writing this

    why did you spend time sending it to other people to read it and give you feedback

    who are these people

    why did they not tell you this was horrible

    there are a lot of things wrong about the organization that allows someone to write something as genuinely and painfully horrific as this without sending them to the gulags

    the world would be a much better place if you never wrote again

    i am being generous when i say “this is bad”

    alexander seedman, you are a disgrace to your ancestors.

    your ancestors are rolling in their graves because you, alexander seedman

    i hope you are happy with yourself

    congratulations on being the author of The Worst Thing Ever Written