us on Facebook
/ December 5, 2012
An Open Letter To The Bobst Thieves Who Stole My 1990s Collectables

Dear Criminals of Bobst,

Originally, this was supposed to be a post about my leaving weird things in Bobst, and seeing if the security guards would tag them with those stickers scolding us for leaving stuff unattended. Guess why that plan was foiled? Because you jerks stole the stuff I left out. What are you going to do with my Reptar figurine or a bag of Japanese “shrimp chips?” NOTHING.

Frankly, I find your thievery to be not only morally reprehensible, but also inhumane. Everyone that’s currently toiling this marble and glass hell isn’t here by choice. We’re all in the same boat, trying to do as well on our finals as possible without having to perform any sexual favors. In other words, we’re all here for our own academic self-preservation. There’s no reason for you to steal other people’s Japanese snacks or Rugrats collectables, because we are all united in struggle.

So why not make the library less of a hell and more of a utopia? Imagine a Bobst where you can leave bricks of gold out without fear of theft, and where the water fountains dispense unicorn blood. This could be a place where John Sexton blasts out of his twelfth floor office in a chariot pulled by winged horses and rains A’s, instead of debt and sleep depravation, down on the student body below. We could have massages on LL1 and anonymous Craigslist sex on LL2. Dare to imagine such a place, the library of your most far-fetched fantasies.

Now you may call me a starry-eyed dreamer and scoff at my idealism, but you know who else had a dream? Martin Luther King, that’s who. He had a dream that America would be an egalitarian utopia where people would all hold hands and not be dicks by stealing other people’s laptops, especially during finals week. Or at least that sounds like something he would be mad about; AP History was my scheduled naptime in high school.

Maybe I’m unjustly incensed by your stealing. Maybe I should take pity on you. Maybe you are like modern Robin Hoods, stealing from those rich in ’90s collectables to give to the needy. Maybe I should be more forgiving of you because of your circumstances. After all, my childhood idol Mr. Rogers once said, “There’s no one that you couldn’t love, once you’ve heard their story.”

On second thought, if I see anyone with my Reptar figurine, I will taze them in the balls on the spot.