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/ November 13, 2012
Local Thinks: Is Your Drunk Friend A Jerk Or Just Wasted?

This is NYU Local’s ethics and advice column, Local Thinks. Each week our resident ethicist Myles Tanzer will be answering your pressing life questions. Got a question you think he should answer? Email [email protected]

Okay so my friend is kind of the worst and he got really drunk last weekend and ended up getting kind of sick. He puked all over my pants, so then I had to take him home in a cab.  He fell asleep in the cab and there was no more puking. I saw him a couple days later and he was pretty casual about the whole thing and he didn’t even pay me back for the cab. Kind of rude, no?

Wow, your friend kind of sucks. Let’s figure out what to do with him.

Your friend should absolutely pay you back for the cab, that’s a no-brainer. But asking him for the money back all of these days later seems kind of petty. The best way to get your money back is to get him to pay for a cab at a later date. When you guys are having the inevitable subway vs. cab conversation while you’re out, firmly support the cab side.

Now here’s the key part: sit in the front seat.

Now that you’re in the front, there’s no way that you could pay unless you slide your cash or card back through the window. Seems pretty burdensome. If your dumb alchey friend resists this, just glance back through the window and non-angrily say, “hey did you want to pay for this one? I paid for that one the other night, remember? Oh you don’t remember that you kooky drunk freak? Cause ya puked on my jeans.”

The jeans is a whole separate matter from the cab — get over it. Puke on jeans is one of the best reasons that washing machines exist. Oh damn, there’s a little bile on your denim? Take it to the cleaners.

And you, Pukey drunk friend? Here’s some advice from a now reformed pukey drunk: eat before you go out, stop ordering drinks mixed with soda, drink some water, slow down, take it easy, stop drinking so fast, pace yourself, c’mon, just breathe bitch. Yup, that’s the real secret to not puking. As long as you space out your drinks throughout the night, there’s no possible way to puke.

You should immediately apologize to your friend and take them out for brunch next weekend. Preferably an all-you-can-drink brunch and then hold his/her hair back while they blow chunks. It’s only fair.

Also to the pukee (the one who was puked on) take it easy on your friend. Perhaps he was just having a bad night. We’ve all been there right? Right.

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