This is NYU Local’s new ethics and advice column, Local Thinks. Each week our resident ethicist Myles Tanzer will be answering your pressing life questions. Got a question you think he should answer? Email firstname.lastname@example.org
Myles, I was wondering about eating by yourself. I do it all of the time and I’m not sure that I’m okay with it. I also get weird about eating certain foods for a table of one. Is it okay for me to eat Artichoke Pizza when I’m all alone?
Eating by yourself is something I do all of the time, as I am a lonely, single, beardy homo. I don’t think it’s particularly anything to be ashamed of at all. Some of my best meals have been eaten alone! (not true).
The best meal to eat alone is brunch because you get to skip the lines. Look at all of those big groups of white people standing outside the restaurant you’re currently in. They’re all hungover and miserable, while you’re sitting at the bar hamming it up with the bartender and scoring free drinks. Brunch is a single man’s game and I’m here to win.
Eating other meals by yourself can be tricky. Restaurants with bar seating are always good; make sure to avoid group seatings. Baohaus is probably one of the best restaurants to eat dinner alone at (it’s equally good to eat at with your drunk friends). The music is really good, and if you know anything about hip-hop you will probably make friends with the cashiers while you wait for your food. It’s also really fast so that you can get the hell out of there. Avoid really busy places to avoid running into anyone you know. Being awkwardly asked to join someone else’s dinner is a really uncomfortable experience.
Now on the subject of Artichoke, that’s a whole different story. You should never eat something by yourself that’s meant to be eaten when you’re drunk — unless you’re drunk, like this weekend when I pounded a Crif Dog by myself on the way home from Lucy’s.
Another thing that’s bad about eating Artichoke by yourself is the sheer size of the pizza. Artichoke’s namesake pizza is like eating a giant bowl of soup from a breadbowl. It’s huge. When eating alone, you want to give the impression that you’re on you’re way to a big party and just grabbing a bite to eat, not coming home from one alone and gorging.
Luckily the boys that own Artichoke pizza are about to open an Italian hero shop called Chubby Mary’s. This is a better food to eat by yourself and I will probably do that a lot.
But if you really must go to Artichoke, then get a slice of the crab pizza. It’s not as thick as the artichoke slice, so it won’t make you pass out after eating it and it won’t make you drip goop all over your clothes — something that happens to everyone who has ever eaten it. If you can’t live without the artichoke slice, then make sure to get the really big beer with it. (Pro tip: get the beer Artichoke’s legendary Big Gulp-styled to-go cups so you can drink it on your way home to an empty apartment). If you’re going to look sad and lonely, you might as well be drunk too.