We’ve been warned. The zombie apocalypse is nigh and soon the undead will come lusting after your tasty, tasty organs. But never fear! Here at NYU Local we are committed to helping you survive the inevitable undead uprising. This comprehensive guide to zombie survival will make your zombie apocalypse a tolerable – if not enjoyable – apocalypse.
Building your zombie defense team: It’s the law of the jungle: Stragglers and loners are the first to be picked off and eaten. Fortunately, NYU is a community of great diversity; you should have no trouble finding people to fulfill the specialized roles of a zombie combat squad. Start your team with these NYU archetypes and improvise where necessary.
The Sternie: Capable of making calculated, emotionless decisions in a crisis, the Sternie’s business training translates well to a zombie apocalypse scenario. Potential leader for your band of human resistance.
The Vegan: When your team inevitably resorts to hunting pigeons and squirrels for sustenance, the Vegan will not contribute to the competition. Good for lessening the tensions that will tear at the fiber of your ragged collective.
The Freshman: Small and nimble, the Freshman can be hidden easily in ventilation shafts, making for ideal reconnaissance. Also likely to have leftover meal swipes – in the event that the cafeterias are still in operation.
The Pre-Med: “I think that’s his spleen hanging out. Wait, no, maybe it’s the pancreas? Either way, I think we should bandage him.”
The One Who Lives In Brooklyn: Manhattan is a terrible place to be during a zombie apocalypse; your best chance of long-term survival is escaping the island entirely. The One Who Lives In Brooklyn has a comprehensive knowledge of subways, bridges, and trendy Brooklyn eateries to help you escape Greenwich Village in style.
Attire/Personal Appearance: An undead plague is no excuse to dress poorly. Instead, tailor your wardrobe to your zombie-hunting needs with a few easy steps.
Eliminate loose ends, or “zombie handles”: Avoid wearing large, chunky knit scarves or baggy flannel shirts. These items can be grasped easily by the unrelenting paws of the undead. Stick with your favorite pair of skinny jeans and a snug-but-breathable sweater. Also consider trimming your long, alt-rock hair.
Dress for battle. Find a pair of sturdy combat boots and a protective leather jacket. This ensemble will ensure you optimal conditions for mobility/protection/photo opportunities on HONYU.
Short-Term Occupation: You’ll need someplace to hide indoors when the first waves of the zombie menace break over the city. Even if this place isn’t secure for long-term residence, it’s still better than fighting the legions of undead that will flock to Washington Square Park. Try converting one of the following locations into a temporary base camp.
Bobst Library: Getting to higher ground is a commonly acknowledged zombie-survival tactic, making Bobst a suitable location for short-term occupation. Do not allow yourself to become over-confident, however. Time has no meaning to the undead, who are perfectly content to wait for the elevators.
We recommend hiding here, on the fifth-floor Dissertation Writers’ Room. It’s a nearly windowless cell, making it preferable to the exposed glass of the North Reading Rooms (see image at top of page). Additional amenities include easy access to bathrooms, stairs (indicated by yellow escape route in above diagram), and a ¢ampu$ ¢a$h machine (indicated by gold star). Because ¢ampu$ ¢a$h is for€v€r, even during a zombie apocalypse.
Kimmel: Known for having many floors, the comfiest couches and arguably the best dining hall, Kimmel may appear an ideal home during the undead crisis. Unfortunately, Kimmel’s many accommodations render it useless for long-term habitation. The many entrances, exits, and hallways expose Kimmel to potential zombie infiltration and infestation. Use caution when inhabiting.
Dorm Rooms: Practical, yes, but do you really want to spend any more time there?
Long-Term Occupation: If you plan to wait out the zombie apocalypse, you’ll want to stay somewhere with a large supply of nonperishable foods and beverages. The natural choice is a large grocery store. Take refuge in one of these stores as the undead howl outside your door.
Kmart. In addition to selling household goods, Kmart boasts aisles upon aisles of preserved foods with indefinite shelf lives. Here you’ll be able to stock up on raisins, power drills, and inexpensive bedding sets in one convenient location. Kmart’s two entrances can act as a double-edged sword, however. Although you have two possible means of escape (through the street entrance or through the subway entrance on the lower floor), the zombies have two possible means of entry. Ultimately, Kmart cannot be held without a mid-to-large-sized contingent of human survivors. Know your limits; do not attempt to occupy Kmart with insufficient forces.
-Whole Foods. Whole Foods’ single entrance makes it more easily defensible, but its fresh, organic produce is more likely to spoil, leaving you with a limited food supply. But if you’re into a kale-based diet, this may be something of a dream come true. Just make sure the scent of your all-natural granola does not attract any health-conscious zombie aggressors.
If All Else Fails: Head back into Bobst. Open Blackboard. Review your midterm schedule. Drink a Red Bull. Pull an all-nighter as you drag yourself through another hour of mindless studying. Stumble back onto the street without understanding what time of day it is or what meal you should be eating. Congratulations; you have effectively disguised yourself as a zombie and will avoid the undeads’ notice for the rest of the day.