NYU Will Compete in The Upcoming Quidditch World Cup

This upcoming weekend our school’s beloved v̶i̶r̶g̶i̶n̶ ̶s̶o̶c̶i̶e̶t̶y̶ quidditch team honorably takes wood in hand in the 5th annual Quidditch World Cup. Ranked 54th out of 100 competing teams, our Nundu will need to pull out all the stops in order to earn a place of distinction in what is considered the athletic highpoint of NYU’s academic calendar.

According to The Daily Prophet, seasoned quidditch teams such as Middlebury’s or McGill’s, have been cultivating individual skill and team tactics for years. For a team still in its infancy, NYU quidditch will need to get creative in order to overcome their adversaries. The following is a list of psychological warfare tactics to unleash on our school’s opponents.

1) Your opponent is homophobic? Wonderful!

Alright. So you get stuck man-marking a homophobe. Not only this, but he also assumes you are gay simply because you go to NYU. Whether he is this way because of some personal belief or because he secretly wants to rip off your clothes, I can’t really say. What is obvious though is that this is your queue to start hitting on him incessantly. Be tactful though. Strike during the most poignant moments of the match. Here are a few of our favorite pick-up lines to inspire you: “this isn’t the only stick I am good with” and “I won’t snitch to your girlfriend if you make some dark magic with me.”

2) Flying-V formation

This was included only because this formation puts emphasis on the letter “V” which is the same letter that virgin begins with. Very rarely would this tactic ever work in any sporting match: it leaves your defensive line empty rendering your keeper susceptible to an aggressive attack from the other team’s offensive line. So I guess only use this formation if you want to make some grandiose statement about chastity and saving yourself as a gift to your future spouse.

3) The Pep Talk

It’s break time and team morale is low. If you’ve ever been the team captain of a sport, you know that this isn’t the time to start talking about free drinks and how nice everyone looked. Oh no; it’s time to start pissing off everyone around you. Let them all feel horrible and make it clear that they offer nothing. Do this until the ref returns to the pitch. At this point, there isn’t much time until playing resumes, and you’ve done well: it’s clear everyone hates you. Now it’s time to build everyone back up. Typically in sports, you don’t need to apologize for the therapy-inducing smack down you just unleashed; simply start shouting and pounding your chest as if infected by some sort of evil spirit. I suggest for inspiration observing a group of bros watching 300. Dear God.

4) Harry Potter

If you are playing quidditch, I am going to have to assume you love Harry Potter, have a Pottermore account, and own some sort of Harry Potter edition of a board game. Thus, there are definitely some fun ways to incorporate Harry Potter into this. For instance, anytime someone scores a hoop, they should cry over the death of Dobby. Whenever the other team takes possession of the quaffle, violently scream unforgivable curse incantations at the top of your lungs.

With these simple mind tricks, NYU Quidditch will assuredly be emblematic of everything great as they continue knocking out team after team. If you would like to watch all this awesome this weekend, click this link for more information.

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    8 Comments

  1. Katie Ulrich says

    I’m all for a joke, and my humor tastes tend towards insulting too. But this isn’t poking fun, this is ridiculing. The team has worked really hard to get where they are, and considering they only started last year, 54 out of 100 is nothing to scoff at. For a publication that purports to be “in the know” this article is out of it. Quidditch world cup tickets are selling like Bertie Botts beans on the Hogwarts Express (aka all the cool kids will be at Randall’s Island come Saturday, while you can sit and find something else to write a snarky article insulting nice people). Tibetan monks, for example. Best wishes!

  2. Brittany Sevek says

    I feel like you may have misunderstood the point of this story. I don’t see malicious intentions nor a harsh critique. Also, if you can’t poke fun at live humans playing a sport from a wizarding book (that I love as much as the next fan), I’m not sure you possess the sense of humor you think you do.

  3. Monica Rodman says

    I think this is one of the most hilarious satirical pieces NYU local has ever posted. Kudos to Ryan. The thing all of us have an issue with is taking ourselves too seriously. No one’s insulting anyone; especially not you, I’m sure the writer doesn’t know you exist…no offense. Here’s a link I think you might find helpful in your personal endeavors: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Life-Too-Seriously. Peace and blessings!

  4. Ryan Blewett says

    I’m on the team, this isn’t ridiculing. Literally we are playing a sport from a book, it’s pretty hilarious. But seriously, come.

  5. Brittnie Stanton says

    This article is obviously a light-hearted joke that lovingly pokes fun at intense HP fans, but also promotes an unique sporting event that I am sure not many people were aware of before. The author also acknowledges the “infancy” of the team and clearly did not intend to “scoff at” its ranking. I also believe that the virgin comment sort of tied into a loosely overarching sexual theme of the whole article (“wood in hand”, the entire section on homophobia). So I agree with the others, just lighten up and enjoy.

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