Last year, I lived with a Tisch student who painted the lovely image you see on the left on my bedroom wall. She painted our living room two shades of fleshy ass-pink while I was studying abroad, and her boyfriend lived with us without paying rent. He was 44.

But I wasn’t the unluckiest person, it seems – having a terrible roommate story is an obligatory experience for all college students/NYC residents. We asked you for your worst roommate stories, and you delivered. Read and cringe below, and comment with your own. Note: This is the one NYU Local post in which you can comment semi-anonymously, but only if you have a hilarious story.

The Fapper

I had a roommate two years ago who would, in our double, start masturbating when I fell asleep. She apparently had an excellent vibrator because she was loud enough to wake me up. Luckily, she moved out pretty soon after because I didn’t provide a comfortable environment… or something. Which I guess means I would get pissed off when she would interrupt my sleep with buzzing and ecstatic screams…

The Sheet-Shitter Baby-Maker

Freshman year, I had the pleasure of living with five complete strangers. Surprisingly, the most rambunctious suitemate was the upper middle class white guy, who, several weeks into the semester, woke up to find that he had crapped himself in bed. Sadly, this didn’t wind up being an isolated occurrence. More sadly, he would bring girls back for action in that same bed…without changing the sheets or flipping the mattress. Most baffling, even after girls found out about it, they’d still throw themselves at him: he was slowly becoming a legend. The fact that he boasted to us of two upperclassmen having had abortions by his doing, thanks to his inability to finish while wearing a condom? Not even that was a deterrent. And yes, you read that correctly: he used condoms, but took them off when it mattered most.

The Chocolate Covered Banana

I came back from class one day to find my roommate putting a chocolate condom on a banana. She invited some other people to watch her do this… then she tasted it and then proceeded to pass it around for everyone to taste.

The Technophobe

This year I had a regular triple in Rubin and I requested one of my roommates and got randomly matched with the third. One of the first things we found out was that she didn’t believe in close contact with electronics. I was planning on bringing my TV and Xbox so I got a little worried but she said that it was okay, we just couldn’t use them while she was in the room. I was a little put off but I stayed positive. Move-in time came and we seemed to get along great but things definitely went downhill when class started. One night while we were watching TV she started spraying lemon juice and baking soda from an unlabeled spray bottle to “get rid of the bad vibes” from the television.

The Sheet-Shitter Part Deux

The all-around nightmare who was my freshman roommate in good old Third North: why does she stand out? It wasn’t the too-frequent sexiling (or the time I walked in on her and her boyfriend because they forgot to leave something on the door). It wasn’t inviting all of her friends to smoke pot in our common room, even though one of our suitemates had severe asthma. It wasn’t even all of the times she swiped my Pop-Tarts when she had the munchies while ferociously guarding the mini-fridge she brought with her from whatever godforsaken armpit of Jersey she came from. No, it was the time she got so wasted that she literally crapped the bed at 2:30 in the morning. As much as I generally hated getting stuck with the top bunk, on that night I could only be thankful. (Well, that night and the nights she and her boyfriend got home after I had gone to bed – if I was asleep when they started fucking, I sure as hell wasn’t by the time they finished.)

The Spa Treatment

My roommate last year was mad weird. We had lived together in the dorms and then got an apartment together sophomore year – it was a mistake. An example: one night, she was having loud-ass sex with a guy in her room and my friend and I could hear her creepy sex noises. Suddenly: “JUST SHOOT YOUR LOAD ON MY FACE AND THEN LICK IT OFF!”

Also she used a sea sponge instead of tampons, and would wring it out in our sink and re-use it. And one time I was in the shower and I saw a suspicious white rectangular thing; I looked more closely and it said Planetary Napkin on it. Meaning, it was a re-usable pad that she was cleaning out by putting it in our shower.

The Dying Puppy

I once returned home after a long day to hear the sound of a puppy being choked to death. As one might expect, I was rather disturbed. I followed the sound, hoping to save the imperiled animal. I eventually found myself at the door of my suitemate, just as I was to rush in and save the animal, I heard it yelp “OH YEAH BABY! YOUR DICK IS SO HARD!” The puppy in question was in fact my suitemate’s drug dealer, who he began sleeping with in order to score cheaper weed. This strange puppy love became a facet of my life for the next six or seven months. My suitemate would always emerge a few minutes later to declare “sorry about the noise, I was just busy getting stuff done. And by stuff, I mean pussy, if you know what I mean.” At this point he would usually raise his hand for a high five, and I would walk away.

The Sore Loser

One roommate I had pantsed a shy girl on my floor, threatened to kill me while stabbing a cardboard box with a large kitchen knife because I was winning at monopoly (this part is actually understandable), felt I was too much of a “packie” for celebrating Diwali with my Indian roommate, then got a restraining orders on everyone else in the apartment before being kicked out for praying to a lit candle underneath his bed.

Another roommate I had was pretty normal except for the fact that he would look up shemale porn while I was in the room.

The Dexter

My roommate freshman year had night terrors, which I thought was just terribly annoying until I met my Carlyle roommates the following year. These bitches gave me night terrors — it started with incessant Ke$ha worship and randomly moving my things from one cabinet to the other without asking. They started having loud sex at all hours of the day with different men — in the common room bedroom — but would make a point to shush me if they could hear me giggling at my computer at 11pm. They would have hour-long sex in the very bathroom in which they also vomited due to careless alcohol consumption. One morning I woke up and found a trail of blood leading from the bathroom to the kitchen. They had “no idea” how that happened.

The MMM

One night at 2AMish, I was sexiled by my roommate. For all dude three way. Apparently, I am a very huge cockblock, because I wanted to go back into my room after about an hour and a half, and I was informed that none of them got off.

The PETA

My sophomore year suitemate opens the fridge and says, “Dude, why are there worms in my leftovers?” My cool roommate — shocked — looks in the fridge and finds a huge bag of soil and worms, apparently for some film shoot. The bag was wide open and the worms got out into our food.

Justification? They thought the worms needed air, so they left the bag open.

The Bro

I have a roommate who works out at the gym everyday and then comes into the room to do situps and push-ups wearing his workout gear. The clothes are soaked in sweat and then he puts them on the radiator to dry. This produces a sweaty steam and the most vile smell of all time.

The Shreshth

One time Shrek drunkenly peed in our air conditioner. If you don’t know Shrek, just imagine an Indian guy peeing in your air conditioner.