I have a new favorite thing. It’s called the Proof download.safety/policies/crimestatistics.html” target=”blank”>campus police blotter, and it is just fantastic.

Now, I’m not trying to make light out of all on-campus crime—certain kinds of crime aren’t funny at all, obviously—but some of these cases are begging for more coverage. Why, just yesterday, “two NYU students were arrested by the NYPD for disorderly conduct on the corner of 8th Street and MacDougall [sic] Street.” What could they have possibly been doing that was more disorderly than every other student’s behavior on MacDougal on Thirsty Thursday?

Also, drugs: a student on the 6th floor of Rubin was caught possessing “what is believed to be cocaine.” I’m glad our public safety officers can only maybe guess that something is an illicit substance.

In Florence, meanwhile, public safety learned that “an NYU student had been threatened with bodily harm by her roommate on November 14th.” What the hell were they fighting about? The weather’s been sunny in the sixties over there! Settle down, ladies.

Going back a little further in the week,  on the 17th, “a patient and her husband were verbally abusive to a Doctor in a clinic on the 5th floor” of the Kriser Dental Center. I have no punch line to make this mental image funnier than it already is.

The day before that, “a student residing in the [Carlyle dorm] building states that when she went to retrieve a bath mat from the clothes dryer on November 15th at 5:30pm, it was missing.” The case is currently under investigation. If the thief is reading this: come on, give it back. Not only is it a dick move to take other people’s ish from the laundry room, but it’s kind of disgusting that you’d want someone else’s bath mat.

The most heinous crime this month was committed on the 8th, in the Third North dormitory. At 8:50 pm, “a Public Safety officer found a bag containing marijuana in the lobby of the building which was then confiscated.” Dude, seriously, you dropped a bag of weed? You really should be ticketed for that.

Highlights from October include: 

• Oct. 27, 7:41 pm, Fairchild Building (the place you get NYUCards): “On date and time of report, a non NYU affiliated individual was observed on the loading dock. When approached, individual indicated he was unemployed and looking for cans for recycling. NYPD was notified and after being properly identified, released.” Sad.
• October 28, 1:14 am, Carlyle Court: “At time and date of report, a non NYU affiliated individual attempted to gain access into the dorm by using a friend’s NYU ID card. Denied access/card confiscated.” Seriously? Dude tried the pass-back in a dorm?
• October 29, 1:34 pm, Hayden: “A student states that unknown person(s) drew an obscene image on her room door located on the 16th floor. It is unknown when this occurred. NYPD notified and a police report was filed.” Does anyone know what the image depicted? If so, please share.
• October 20, 11:00 am, Kriser Dental Center: “On the above date and time, Public Safety was apprised by a Dr. that at 12 noon on October 15, 2009, a bottle containing $1,500 worth of precious metal was discovered missing from a lab on the 4th floor. NYPD notified and a police report was filed.” This sounds like the backstory to a superhero movie. I swear, if Alfred Molina tries to blow up our school, I’m gonna be pissed.
• October 9, 12:30 pm, Third North: “A representative for food services states that sometime between August 2009 and October 9th 2009, unknown person(s) removed a white Huffman refrigerator, Model #GS2M5272, (Unknown value) from a cafeteria store room.” I don’t know what’s funnier: that someone actually stole a refrigerator, or the fact that it took NYU three months to figure this out.

Seriously, a bag of weed?