Scenario: It’s 5pm on Halloween freshman year. You’re putting on the sluttiest pumpkin costume you’ve ever worn, and you’ve planned the best.night.ever What dreams may come download. at the parade, where you’ll meet up with that cute guy on your floor who has been giving you looks in the elevator ALL semester and maybe even go “all the way” with him, instead of waiting twenty-eight days, like you usually do. Flash forward seven hours: you’re being trampled on by a drunken homeless man with reindeer horns on while mascara runs down your cheeks which are hot, red and soaking wet from your happy holiday tears. What went wrong?

Answer: you went to the Halloween Parade. The Greenwich Village parade is often described as “one of things you TOTALLY have to do at least once in your life”, and usually when people say that, it’s something that will traumatize you and make you wish you’d never done it, like growing a neck-beard. So now that you’ve had this horrible experience, how can we make sure it never happens again? Look no further, as I’ve compiled a helpful guide of The Three A’s of Avoiding the Evil Parade That Plagues the West Village Each Halloween.

Step 1: Awareness
The Parade supposedly starts at 7pm on Halloween (obviously) and ends three hours later at 10pm. The experienced parade-goer knows this is a dirty lie. While this may be the time when people are literally waltzing down the streets of Manhattan like drunken, hobbling America’s Next Top Model contestants, line-up for the parade starts as early as 6:30, and you’re likely to see a horde of Obama masks obscuring your walking path until at least 11pm.

Step 2: Avoidance
If you were to see the parade route, you may notice that it severs the space between campus and the west village (most notably, Greenwich Hotel) and if you have any plans to cross sixth ave, I strongly urge you, nay, implore you to do so before 6pm and to not return before midnight (especially if you’re not totally lame) because if you don’t, then you will most likely spend the better part of an hour just trying to cross the street at 6th avenue. If you do find yourself caught in this situation, you may have one option left; take the 1,2,3 train to 42nd street and transfer down on the N,Q,R,W or vice-versa. I have first-hand accounts of said plan preserving valuable liver-damaging time, which is at a premium on Halloween. Use increased caution when nearing the parade from 8pm to 9:30, because Channel 1 will be broadcasting the parade live, and even though no one ever watches that channel, the presence of a camera in any shape is enough to turn drunken masqueraders into rampaging wildebeests.

Step 3: Alternatives
How do you stop your friends from roping you into being crowd-raped at the parade if they’ve already made plans to go? Simply invite them over to “pregame,” and then when they are at a sufficient level of drunkenness, have a designated parade-avoider divert their attention with a shiny object, and lead them to “that party your friend is having in Williamsburg.” Never get into a cab with someone on Halloween if you don’t know whether it’s headed to the West Village or not. Always use the buddy system when going near the parade, and if all else fails, just remember that “No parade” means “No parade.”

I sincerely hope you can all use these tips to help you get around the West Village responsibly this year. Remember, on Halloween, public sobriety is considered a felony, and when someone says “club,” they probably mean rave. Have a safe and parade-free Halloween. Godspeed.