Sometimes, I just type “NYU” in the Craigslist search box and go at it. Not like I’m looking for anything like that. In case you are, however, I’ve done some research for you.

Applying to grad school? Looking to finish your Ph.D? There are men who will clean your apartment and engage in no-strings-attached sex with you, even all the way in the Upper West Side! He’s looking for a Murphy Brown-type woman next, so ladies, don’t fret about the future of journalism — he is standing before you, hoping that you’re in your late 40s. I really believe he’ll accept any takers.

Hey you! Yes, you, the one with the American Apparel briefs and apathy towards sexual diseases: you left your friend hanging! You gave this dude a hand job in the 5th floor men’s bathroom of Bobst back in August and didn’t even ask for his number after. Jerk. Now’s your chance to make it up to him.

Ashanti’s bodyguard saw you at the Cock and misses you bad. He’ll be back in May for graduation (Christ) but broken hearts are impatient. I actually, sadly, think I know who this “Puerto Rican NYU Dancer” is, but ya know, this ain’t my business.

All you sad, bright-eyed literary types! There is love waiting for you as well! More like “Jizz on my Infinite Chest,” amirite?

This girl actually sounds really sweet. Were you that guy wearing a Lucky Brand sweatshirt? Do you enjoy Hayden’s dining hall food? Can you guys have a dramatic reunion (”reunion”) while “Hide and Seek” plays in the background? Romance, a fickle, lonely game.

By “watch a movie,” this man means “engage in oral sex.” By “independent movies,” he means “anal beads.” NYU guys are a plus-plus!