NYU Administration to Undergrads: You’re All a Bunch of Drunks

animal_house_2In a sobering e-mail sent out to the undergraduate student body a few hours ago, the VP of Student Affairs and AVP of Student Health decided to become shrill, alarmed parents and chide you for excessive underage drinking. “So far this year, we have seen a number of students drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and requiring transport for medical evaluation out of concern for alcohol poisoning,” your Mom and Dad write Turner hooch download. They also added, “And if you have sex before marriage, you’re a goddamn whore.”

Sigh. Remember when college was all about binge drinking? Remember the comedic, drunken gold of Animal House, which has provided bros everywhere with wall decorations beyond Sports Illustrated fare? Can’t an underage kid chug half a bottle of Smirnoff Green Apple, fall down a set of stairs and then vomit into a bush in Washington Square Park in peace anymore? What has this world come to?

Of course, alcohol poisoning is a major health concern, and should not be taken lightly. The administration is not only responsible for squeezing every possible dime out of our savings accounts, but is also genuinely concerned about our health (P.S. Concern costs a co-pay). NYU does not need to get sued by your parents after you consume four Woo Woos at Asian Pub and decide it’s funny to try to climb the Washington Square arch.

NYU would also like to use this e-mail as an opportunity to remind you of the definition of true friendship: “Students who drink excessively force their friends to become their caretakers, and that is not what friendship should have to be about.” They kind of have a point here: nothing ruins a night quicker than a friend who decides to knock back six shots during the pregame and ends up slumped over your dorm’s toilet at 11pm before you’ve even made it out the door.

For the record, NYU Local does not in any way condone drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Not only is alcohol poisoning a major buzzkill (heh), but nothing will sober you up faster than… death.

So please, everyone: learn to excessively drink responsibly. Know your limits, eat lots of bread before going out and don’t think you can go toe-to-toe with your state school friends in beer pong. They will win, and you will vomit.

An alternative to all of this? Just smoke weed.



7 Comments

  • Josh becker
    October 5, 2009

    Agreed. Healthy drinking habits are important to have. But I think every freshman should have at least one “ughhh drank too much” night. It shouldn’t end in a hospital trip (those aren’t fun, believe you me, though the bracelet makes a nice conversation starter) but I think it’s a rite of passage. See also: “getting your heart broken by a poet/actor/DJ/musician,” “having to lie down after smoking too much,” “nudging a close friend out of the closet.”

  • Jessica Roy
    October 5, 2009

    It’s usually the kids who have super strict parents and didn’t drink in high school that end up taking the “WOO I’M FREE LET’S GET WASTED” meme a little too far. I don’t necessarily want to turn this comment thread into a discussion about lowering the drinking age, but… yeah. That would probably curtail the amount of freshman getting rushed to Beth Israel.

  • Kaela Rae Jensen
    October 5, 2009

    Just don’t get neon-orange-vomit-drunk too far away from home and you’re fine. Not speaking from personal experience, at all.

  • Jessica Roy
    October 5, 2009

    @Kaela RIP Sparks :(

  • Lauren Monaco
    October 5, 2009

    I volunteer at a hospital, and the nurses tell me sad, yet hilarious stories of drunk NYU kids ending up in the ER. They usually involve overly belligerent freshman that need to be put in four-point restraints and wear a diaper. Kids, please don’t end up like this.

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