In a sobering e-mail sent out to the undergraduate student body a few hours ago, the VP of Student Affairs and AVP of Student Health decided to become shrill, alarmed parents and chide you for excessive underage drinking. “So far this year, we have seen a number of students drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and requiring transport for medical evaluation out of concern for alcohol poisoning,” your Mom and Dad write Turner hooch download. They also added, “And if you have sex before marriage, you’re a goddamn whore.”
Sigh. Remember when college was all about binge drinking? Remember the comedic, drunken gold of Animal House, which has provided bros everywhere with wall decorations beyond Sports Illustrated fare? Can’t an underage kid chug half a bottle of Smirnoff Green Apple, fall down a set of stairs and then vomit into a bush in Washington Square Park in peace anymore? What has this world come to?
Of course, alcohol poisoning is a major health concern, and should not be taken lightly. The administration is not only responsible for squeezing every possible dime out of our savings accounts, but is also genuinely concerned about our health (P.S. Concern costs a co-pay). NYU does not need to get sued by your parents after you consume four Woo Woos at Asian Pub and decide it’s funny to try to climb the Washington Square arch.
NYU would also like to use this e-mail as an opportunity to remind you of the definition of true friendship: “Students who drink excessively force their friends to become their caretakers, and that is not what friendship should have to be about.” They kind of have a point here: nothing ruins a night quicker than a friend who decides to knock back six shots during the pregame and ends up slumped over your dorm’s toilet at 11pm before you’ve even made it out the door.
For the record, NYU Local does not in any way condone drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Not only is alcohol poisoning a major buzzkill (heh), but nothing will sober you up faster than… death.
So please, everyone: learn to excessively drink responsibly. Know your limits, eat lots of bread before going out and don’t think you can go toe-to-toe with your state school friends in beer pong. They will win, and you will vomit.
An alternative to all of this? Just smoke weed.