Welcome (potentially) to New York University, Class of 2013! You have reached the final portion of your admissions application. Considering that we are now a highly selective “New Ivy,” we feel it is important to weed out the weaker applicants, ensuring that only the best, brightest, and most pretentious will walk the hallowed halls of…the various buildings we’ve leased in lower Manhattan. Please answer all questions honestly and, where applicable, thoroughly. We will heavily consider your answers when reviewing the rest of your application.

You have twenty minutes. Good luck!

PART I: MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. If you are hanging out with a group of friends and want to impress them, what music would you play?
a) It doesn’t matter; my friends wouldn’t judge me based on my music taste.
b) Something ironic, like the Backstreet Boys! Because I’m original and clever.
c) Vampire Weekend B-sides and tracks from Beck’s first CD.
d) Choices (b) and (c), and choice (a) is ridiculous.

2. What do you list as your favorite music on Facebook?
a) Every band I’ve ever listened to ever.
b) Whatever my older sibling listens to, because he goes to a liberal arts college in Ohio and therefore has better music taste than I do.
c) “I like them all! Try me! =D”
d) Vampire Weekend B-sides and tracks from Beck’s first CD.

3. Now that they’ve stopped producing Polaroid film, how will visually convey your depth and sophistication?
a) Making every picture of me black-and-white.
b) Not look at the camera.
c) Something funny, like tagging myself in a picture of the cast of Muppet Babies! He he!
d) Going to some Web site and using the “Polaroid” effect on all my pictures.

4. New York’s an expensive place to live. To acclimate you to this financial environment, we ask: How much money do your parents make each year?
a) Over $1 million.
b) Over $2 million.
c) Over $500,000, but we also own property on the Hamptons.
d) If none of the previous three choices apply to you, put down your pencil. Thank you for applying to New York University; unfortunately, we don’t feel that you would be a proper match for our school at this time.

5. When is an appropriate time to wear Uggs?
a) All the time, even to class in late April!
b) All the time, tucked into my high school cheerleading sweatpants.
c) All the time, but I’ll also wear a pair of neon sunglasses so that I still look indie.
d) Never. Oh god, never.

PART II: SHORT ANSWER

6. Do you have an impressive internship yet? If not, what are you waiting for?

7. Are you so naive as to think that only the elderly have to choose being buying food and affording medication?

8. When you’re throwing up in your friend’s bathroom in Hayden after yet another Sex and the City marathon, what strategies do you employ to make sure you don’t miss the toilet?

9. Do you want to dress like a high school freshman forever? If so, we remind you that ripped jeans are frowned upon at this school and that the nearest Abercrombie is in the Financial District.

10. Do you have that internship yet? If not, thank you for applying to New York University; unfortunately, we don’t feel that you would be a proper match for our school at this time.

PART III: ESSAY. PLEASE ANSWER TWO OF THE FOLLOWING THREE QUESTIONS.

11. In a minimum of 500 words, explain all the reasons why Rubin is the best freshman dorm without mentioning the phrase “Fifth Avenue address.”

12. How will you walk the tenuous line between pretentiously being “so over” television and secretly loving I Love New York?

13. In addition to completing your MAP courses, in order to graduate you must have your heart broken at some point in the next four years by a poet/actor/DJ/creative “personality” whose picture comes up when you search for him or her on Google Images. Which drink, romantic comedy film, and Bright Eyes song will you rely on to help you manage the pain? Why?

BONUS QUESTION

14. Have your parents donated a significant amount of money to our institution? If so, welcome to New York University! We can’t wait to see you on campus. PS – Feel free to use the financial aid portion of this application as toilet paper if you ever run out.

Photo by Dean Stattmann