It’s Our Last Column, And Your Definitive Gridiron G-Chat Super Bowl Guide

Editor’s Note: We still can’t tell if “Gridiron G-Chat” has been one, elaborate hoax trying to convince the majority of the NYU that football does in fact matter, or a highly conceptual hybrid of fiction and poetry that will be praised for generations to come. Either way, bravo to NYU Brocal for their efforts.

Eric: Guys, last night was the end of something magical, something that touched all of our hearts and minds, the only thing that got me up in the morning: Gridiron G-Chat.

Jeremy: I don’t know if you can call what we did this season magical. Disastrous or insane would probably be a better adjective. But it definitely touched all of us, that’s for sure.

Eric: Man, we sure had a lot of memories. Remember when we were actually on G-chat? That made things a lot harder to write. Also, that other time when we were bros and we did [insert bro things here]. Good times. 

Jeremy: Yea I guess I’ll have to finally put away my brotanks, and break out my oxford shirts, scarves, and [insert ironic fashion objects here]. But enough pouting, we’ve still got one more game to talk about, Super Bowl XLVII. Let’s get to it.

Eric: Yes, the only time that Americans care about Roman numerals. Listen, I called the 49ers as Super Bowl Champs back in Week six or something. And this was even before the masterful move to Colin Kaepernick. The Ravens defense are still pretty damn old, and in case anyone forgot, Joe Flacco called next year’s Super Bowl in New York/New Jersey “retarded.” Though it would be pretty cool if Ray Lewis ascended to heaven right after the Ravens win. Ray Lewis is terrifying. Anyway, lezzgo 49ers: 24-21.

Jeremy: Umm…I’m pretty sure I’ve had the 49ers since Week 1 winning this Superbowl, and the next one and the next one…. But don’t worry there’s plenty of room on the bandwagon for one more, so welcome to the team, Eric. But its been a weird week for me. Ever since I was born, being a San Francisco fan meant toiling in misery as we lost year after year in every sport. And football was the worst, my parents would always talk about the days of Joe Montana, Steve Young, Jerry Rice, and Bill Walsh, and yet all I saw was losing season after losing season.

But then in 2010, the Giants won the World Series, and they did it again in 2012. So oddly enough I’m not much of a nervous wreck this time around. Call it overconfidence or complacency, but I feel like its destiny at this point that the Niners will win a record-tying sixth Super Bowl. Colin Kaepernick has the tools to be a better version of Steve Young, and he has the maturity level as well, to already lead this team to a championship, and the defense will shut down the Ravens’ main weapon in Ray Rice. It’ll be a low scoring game, but Kaepernick’s varying play styles are the difference maker for the Niners. But this week’s column isn’t just about Eric and I.

Eric: That’s right. In honor of our last week, we asked the NYU Local staff to weigh in on this Sunday’s festivites. Here are their expert opinions. Note: We can’t actually certify if any of these guys have actually seen a football game before, so be warned. 

Zoe Schlanger (EIC, does not know football): Ha. Soooooo staying out of this.

Jorge Morillo (photographer): All I have to say is Ray Lewis got 2 BODIES so you can’t fuck with the Ravens. Also Ray Lewis will cry, win or lose. Kaepernick will show off his lame religious tats. Randy Moss’ ego will get two-three receptions and he’ll be the greatest to ever to do it. But seriously, I’ve got the 49ers winning, 28-14.

Willis Plummer (co-on-campus editor, tall): Redskins 4 life (even though it’s a racist name).

Julia Berke (photo lady): 49ers! Watching the Super Bowl was a very “family orientated” activity in my household. My Mom’s dad would come over and watch with us. When we were younger and had to go to sleep before it was over, we could hear him shouting, “YIPPEEEE!” (I kid you not, this is real life) from the living room when he got a touchdown for the pool he was in. I remember one year, my dad was rooting for the 49ers for no apparent reason, can’t remember why. Anyway, yeah, 49ers. Also, buffalo wings. I’m always rooting for game time buffalo wings. 

Leah Clancy (from Buffalo): For this year’s Super Bowl, I’m putting all my money on the Bills.

Jeremy: It’s halftime in our column, and although we couldn’t get Beyonce to perform for our column, we got you guys the next best thing, Myles Tanzer, the EIC of NYU Local and also our expert Senior Bey Correspondent. Enjoy.

Myles Tanzer: I kind of went ham on my Queen B analysis:

The Super Bowl halftime show is God’s gift to the world that gave us Janet Jackson’s nipple and the perfect 16 minutes to go on a beer run. This year, the people in charge of deciding who plays the halftime show (how do we become one of these lucky few!?) have chosen Beyonce to perform at our nation’s most watched event. The Queen B also graciously decided to let her former Destiny’s Child bandmates Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams perform too. They’ll surely be singing a medley of their hits, but hopefully (they’re going to do it anyways, ugh) will skip over their new release and total dud, “Nuclear.”

Beyonce is required by diva law to run through most of her biggest solo smashes which include “Single Ladies,” “Love On Top,” “Run The World” (Girls),” and “Crazy In Love,” the last of which will probably include a cameo by her husband, Jay-Z. “Halo” should be her closing song though; think of the swaying glowsticks and tears. Think of all of the tears.

Although it’s a little less well recognized than her other songs, we would love to see B do a killer football-themed rendition of “End Of Time.” It’s really one of her better stadium cuts, as evidenced by her stellar performance at Glastonbury in 2011.Your Dad will call on Monday and ask you if you like Beyonce. He will be as in love with her as you are and you both will giggle about how great her voice is and how full-bodied her hair is and how cool her husband is. This is the perfect time for you to come out of the closet to your dad.

Ben Murray (Entertainment Section Writer): Super Bowl XLVII is lining up to be the gayest Super Bowl of all time. Both the Ravens and the 49ers have done a lot to make the NFL less hostile towards its LGBT fans. For instance, the 49ers were the first NFL team to film an “It Gets Better” video, and a handful of Ravens players — especially linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo — are constantly speaking out in favor of gay rights. However, with the news of 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver’s anti-gay rant breaking this week, you officially hate gays if you root for the Niners. Sorry — you just do.

Joe Kozlowski (sports guy): As the ‘resident sports expert’ (thanks Eric for the title), I feel obligated to throw in my take. Normally, I’d revert to the mantra of defense wins championships, but both teams are too similar on that side of the ball for one to have an advantage. I do think though that Kaepernick will finally play like a rookie. Those mistakes will cost the Niners; Ravens take it 28-24.

Andrew Olshevski (rapper, football fan, poet?): Sports are commercials for commercials.

Therefore

The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl commercial of commercials for commercials.

Beyonce’s boob cover probably won’t come off.

I bet Jay-Z will show up for “Crazy In Love.”

I hope Bane doesn’t ruin it.

I hope none of the players die.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE.

People in other countries can watch the Super Bowl, but they don’t get to watch the commercials (unless they watch it on the Internet).

Benjamin Franklin said that beer was the best proof we have for God’s existence.

Do you think Ray Lewis practices his rants?

We all know Ray Lewis is super Christian. My questions are 1) Does he masturbate? 2) Does he feel guilty after he comes?

Imagine Zero Dark Thirty but instead of the Navy Seals or whatever, it’s the Ravens defense.

Randy Moss is a G.

I heard a program on NPR in which one of the Ravens linebackers’s said he listens to Carly Rae Jepsen “Call Me Maybe” to get psyched for workouts. That is 100% true! Come to think of it it was Fresh Air with Terry Gross.

Are you getting this all?

Go back and watch the Terry Tate commercials on YouTube. They are hilarious!

My prediction: Ravens 24, Niners 21.

Colin Kaepernick is nice but at the end of the day he’s too young and Moss is too old.

Like them or not, the Ravens defense are made of dark matter. Like nightmare goo.

Stephen King’s favorite team is the Ravens.

Same with Edgar Allen Poe but you already knew that.

Thank you.

Jeremy: It’s been a good run, Eric. Thanks again to all five of our readers out there, and from the Bay Area to the rest of the country, remember: we’re better than you, and we know it.

Eric: As Ray Lewis once said, “If you ain’t pissed off for greatness, that just means you’re fine with being mediocre.” For all of us here at Channel Seven News: you stay classy, NYU Local.

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  1. says

    Myles, if you run out of beer by halftime you either have an enormous group of people crashing your fab party or you are a poor party planner. I hope it’s the former. Ahead of the Super Bowl. we seasoned Bowlers buy enough beer for the month and worry not.