Eric’s computer got tired of all the slam poetry he writes on it and it finally quit on him, so I’m flying solo this week. But we’re doing something special to kick things off. Before Hurricane Sandy knocked us offline for a couple of days, our Editor-in-Chief Myles Tanzer stopped by to write a guest preview for us. Although his excellent football analysis (“if an actual Cardinal fought a Viking, the Viking would absolutely pummel the crap out of the little bird”), is worthless now, what we can bring you is his expertise in all things Beyonce, this year’s Superbowl halftime performer. We now present to you, the reader, the definitive Beyonce Superbowl Halftime Show Preview:
Jeremy: So we have breaking news in the football world…Beyonce announced this week that she will be performing at this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. Myles also happens to be our resident Beyonce expert, so of course we had to bring him on to get his impressions. Myles?
Myles: Oh it’s an absolutely brilliant move by the NFL. This will be the best halftime show of all time. The first half is now known as The Opening Act for Beyonce, the second half is now just an excuse to sit around and talk about the awesomeness you just saw. There is no performer better than Queen B. You’ll see.
Jeremy: You see, this is the type of in depth analysis this football column has been missing. Now, any guesses at what her song selection might be?
Myles: Opening number is “Diva” for sure. Hopefully she’ll do a medley of Destiny’s Child songs somewhere in the middle and bring out Kelly and Michelle. Jay Z will come out and do “Crazy In Love,” but I don’t know if that’s going to be the closer. She should have “Love On Top” in there at some point too. Deep cut I’m rooting for: “Get Me Bodied.”
Jeremy: Well as much as our readers would rather us talk more about Beyonce, we’ve got to move onto this week’s games.
SUNDAY 1:00 PM
Jaguars at Bills
There are so few Bills fans going to this game that they are blacking out the broadcast in Buffalo. That should tell you all you need to know about this clash of mediocre teams. But if you decide to watch this game, you should know that Maurice Jones-Drew will almost certainly be out for another week, the Buffalo defense will probably step up again like they have the past few weeks against young inexperienced quarterbacks, and CJ Spiller will probably bust out for another 100 yard game against sub-par defense. Bills win, and people continue not to care about these teas.
Seahawks at Bears
The Bears sure are glad to have Jay Cutler back after he lead the Bears to a 28-10 win over the Vikings last week. Look for him to do the same against Seahawks defense which has been very unSeattle like the last couple of weeks, giving up big plays near the end of games. If this game was at Seattle it may be a different story, but I’m taking the Bears here in another big win.
49ers at Rams
Well, I guess I should just start saying goodbye to Alex Smith, because after Colin Kaepernick led the Niners to another victory against a determined Saints team in New Orleans, coach Jim Harbaugh is giving the young Kaepernick another start against the Rams. And why not? Kaepernick looks like what everyone thought Tim Tebow could be; he’s big, fast, but can actually throw passes accurately all over the field. And you know the Niners are going to be looking for revenge after tying the Rams earlier this season. Kaepernick is going to have another big game here, and the Niners move to 9-2-1.
Patriots at Dolphins
If you were in a food coma and didn’t see the Patriots-Jets game on Thanksgiving, let me just give you a little summary; the Patriots dominated the Jets in ways that I have never seen, Mark Sanchez literally fumbled a ball after running into his own player’s butt. It’s like the football gods knew the perfect metaphorical play to describe the Jets’ season. And now Tom Brady and the Pats look like the team to beat once again in the AFC. The only thing the Pats need to deal with against the Dolphins is the warm weather, which can be detrimental to players used to playing in much colder temperatures. But who am I kidding, its the Pats, its Tom Brady and Bill Bellicheck of course they’re going to beat the Dolphins.
Cardinals at Jets
See above video of Mark Sanchez’s fumble. Repeat previous step as much as needed. Cardinals win.
Colts at Lions
Okay, all this rallying around cancer stricken coach Chuck Pagano is giving the Colts a record amount of karma points for a sports team. Even the cheerleaders are shaving their heads, its just not fair. Seriously, Andrew Luck could probably have two broken arms and he would still throw for 300 yards, because “it was all for Chuck”. There is no way the Lions can compete with that, I’m going with the Colts.
Vikings at Packers
After starting off the season 2-3, you know what the Green Bay Packers have done? Only gone 5-1, with Aaron Rodgers leading the way, with almost 3000 passing yards and 28 touchdowns (in other words, the best player in fantasy football). And although the Packers did get beat down pretty badly against the Giants last week, it was against the defending champions in New York, so I’m not too concerned for Green Bay. The Vikings on the other hand looked terrible against the Bears last week, and going to Green Bay isn’t any easier. Packers rebound this week and win big here.
Texans at Titans
The Texans, what more can you say about them than sheer dominance. If they win today, the clinch a playoff spot, in Week 13! That is the definition of dominance. And they’re playing the Titans, who last week lost to the might Jaguars. Oh wait the Jaguars are actually 2-9. I think I’m going to have to go with the Texans here. Welcome to the playoffs Houston!
Panthers at Chiefs
The Panthers may have won on Monday Night Football, but it was also against the hapless Eagles, so don’t get this wrong, this game is the worst game of the week. I’m going with the Panthers based on Cam Newton’s success last week, but I will definitely be skipping this one on Sunday.
SUNDAY 4:05 PM
Buccaneers at Broncos
The Denver front office sure has to be happy about what they’ve gotten out of Peyton Manning this season, the guy looks like he did during his MVP seasons in Indianapolis. And he has led this Broncos team now to being one win away from clinching the AFC West. But don’t pick the Broncos just yet, because the Bucs have been playing tough all season, and even though they lost last week in a nail biter against the Falcons, they’re still in the hunt for a playoff spot, and won’t go down easy. Josh Freeman and Doug Martin are playing well above expectations, and so is the defense. But they are playing Peyton Manning in Denver, and for that reason alone I have to go with the Broncos.
SUNDAY 4:25 PM
Browns at Raiders
Well the Browns sure have impressed me this season, and although their 3-8 record doesn’t show it, they have played close against almost every team this season. They even beat the Steelers last week. If they can figure out the quarterback position next year (Alex Smith, anyone?) then they could see some dramatic improvements. The Raiders on the other hand look worse and worse each week. I’m going with the Browns.
Giants at Redskins
Now this is a great Monday night game, the defending champs against the most exciting player in the game. The last time these two teams met, it took an amazing pass from Eli Manning to Victor Cruz to win it for the Giants, and expect another close one this week in Washington, D.C. RG3 is neck and neck with Andrew Luck for Rookie of the Year, and he will definitely come motivated to play this week. But the Giants are coming off a big win against the Packers, and Eli Manning continues to impress. Its December now, which means the annual Giants’ November swoon is over, so I’m going with the Giants in a close one.