WOO FOOTBALL WOO. Jeremy’s computer is Republican and moved to Canada, so I’m making the picks alone. Sadly, I did not watch the Dolphins-Bills game, but I bet Leah Clancy did. Because, you know, she’s from Buffalo. TO THE PICKS!
Packers-Lions: The Lions are like a chef who can only cook steak. Yeah, the steak is amazing and everyone is happy for a while, but sooner or later someone’s going to get heart disease or diabetus. The Lions have diabetus. Pack wins.
Cardinals-Falcons: The Falcons are still 8-1. The Cardinals still have two bad quarterbacks whose names sounds more like objects than last names. THIS IS A SKELETON AND A KOLB, NOT A LAST NAME. Falcons up big, and Larry Fitzgerald kills someone with his dreds.
Buccs-Panthers: I’m picking the Buccs just so there will be more of Cam Newton’s Pouty Face.
Racists-Eagles: A Tale of Two Mobile QBs: one a rising star in the organizations, referred to by some as Black Jesus; the other just a broken shell of a man (seriously, Michael Vick is injured). I think it is a celebration at the Racist Dome for RGIII and Co.
Rams-Jets: Let’s see how many people will blame this eventual loss on Tebow. Hint: it’s going to be a lot of people.
Bengals-Cheifs: My mom calls uniforms “costumes.” She believes that the Bengals have the cutest costumes. She also only knows football players from Dancing With The Stars. But more importantly — UPSET SPECIAL OF THE YEAR: Chiefs threw down on the Steelers, and were a Matt Cassel brain fart away from taking the W. They can fight, they’re at home, and they’re definitely more confident than they weren’t leading any games. Chiefs by 3 on The Men In Orange Stripes.
Jags-Texans: If you listen closely, you can hear Maurice Jones-Drew crying. The Jags will not win.
Saints-Raiders: Look at that, Saints remembered how to play defense. You know, every time the Saints make a tackle, an angel gets its wings. Here’s to a bursting heaven, and a W against the Raiders.
Broncos-Bolts: Peyton Manning clap clap clapclapclap Peyton Manning clap clap clapclapclap (Broncos win).
Colts-Pats: This game is pretty much the conclusion of Little Giants. I’m guessing the Annexation of Puerto Rico wins it for the Colts.
Sunday Night Football
Steelers-Ravens: Four Steeler starters look super-doubtful for Sunday’s game, including QB and dangerous person for women to be around Ben Rothlistberger. Seven more are either returning from extended injury or are banged up from last week. Pittsburgh is just too injured, they can’t bring the power necessary to best the Ravens, who have been crusing along all season. I’m gonna go cry into my Terrible Towel.
49ers-Bears: As with all 49ers games, Jeremy does not care what I say. So here’s a .gif of Kreayshawn.