At last week’s debate in Hempstead, N.Y., a sample size of Long Islanders that asked the presidential candidates questions prefaced their remarks with “I’m an undecided voter.” We will see them again tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, for the third and final debate. Like the groundhog, this small breed of Homo Americana pops its head out of the ground once every four years to determine the season. They do not fall under any label – Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green, Communist, Socialist and even the Tea Party. Billions of dollars are poured into convincing these ballot-goers but they have no time for polls or the media. To them, it’s all about “the issues.”
No, to the undecided voter, November 6th is something much bigger. It’s that one time all of America’s eyes are watching them and that’s a lot of responsibility to bare on one’s back, especially for a group whose major decision in a non-election year is whether to get the “regular” or the “deluxe.” But the undecided voter is just like you and me – it could be your neighbor, your mailman, that dude who inappropriately touched you on the subway or even a family member. Who are the undecided voters? Let’s find out.
The undecided voter does not have time to go on the candidate’s website to find out about “the issues.” What’s your view on immigration, Mr. Romney? And how will it affect the plight of my great-great-grandmother who came here a century ago? The buck stops… here.
The undecided voter still has Yahoo! set as his or her homepage.
The undecided voter wishes he or she were at the beach right now.
The undecided voter hates when people vent about politics on Facebook. The undecided voter hates it even more when nobody likes his or her status about pumpkin lattes.
The undecided voter’s still unsure if O.J. did it or not. And describes the new Nickelback album to their friends as “this sick alternative rock I’ve been listening to.”
The undecided voter almost supported Ralph Nader in 2000, 2004 and 2008. Maybe they will in 2012. Who knows? They have to check out “the issues” first before making any kind of decision.
The undecided voter drinks Bud Light Platinum.
The undecided voter loves using the bathroom window angle for picture taking.
The undecided voter does not want to be confused with an “independent voter.” Because he or she has no idea what that is.
If the undecided voter lived in New York, he or she would live in Midtown.
The undecided voter loves the edgy comedy in The Big Bang Theory.
The undecided voter uses ten hashtags per Instagram.
After waiting on line for hours, the undecided voter hates the new Apple Maps but loves the new iPhone 5. He or she has never met or heard of the Chinese laborer who made it. And probably never will.
The undecided voter always complains to his or her friends “My vote doesn’t even matter.”
Even after GM stopped making them, the undecided voter still drives a Hummer. And he or she has to say to at least one person a day, “Can you believe these gas prices?” Do the candidates have to pay over $100 to fill a tank? We don’t think so!
The undecided voter heard Mitt Romney hates Big Bird and has a “binder full of women.” And then saw a squirrel and walked away.
The undecided voter already forgot the questions he or she asked to the president at Hofstra last week. It’ll come back to them just give it time.
The undecided voter finds ‘the media’ very, very unappealing. Fox News is too angry, CNN is too boring and MSNBC is too nerdy. But E! News, though…
The undecided voter never got over reality television.
The undecided voter doesn’t understand Lost.
The undecided voter “doesn’t get” Twitter.
The undecided voter totally forgot Iraq and Afghanistan ever happened.
The undecided voter will probably have to make a “game-time decision” to vote.
On November 7th, the life of the undecided voter will continue, untouched by the news from the night before.
The undecided voter is an American.
That’s all that really matters, right?