Jeremy is out sick with measles, mumps, and bro-bella, so I have to make these football picks by myself. Sadly, I can’t have witty banter with myself, so here’s a .gif of naked Lena Dunham eating a cake. Also, this is Matt Ryan using swear words. So we’re friends again? Yes? Great. I didn’t get to watch the Cardinals at Rams game, but I assume there was some sort of sports involved. Let’s go to the tape.
1:00 PM Games
Rams at Chiefs
I am contractually obligated by a fear of Ray Lewis to pick the Ravens no matter what. Though, you never know with a feisty underdog at the loudest home stadium in the — Oh hey, Ray, I wasn’t expecting you until… please, put away that rusty tire iron. JUST KIDDING EVERYONE. THE RAVENS WILL WIN BY 200 POINTS. SIZZLE.
Browns at Giants
Remember that time Brandon Weeden ran into the American Flag? Think of the Giants D as the flag, and Brandon Weeden as Broken Brandon Weeden. Giants take it, and Brandon Weeden GETS THE FRAK OFF MY FIELD
Dolphins at Bengals
Last week, Mohammad Sanu, a rookie WR for Cincy, threw a YUUUUGE touchdown to Really Good Football Player AJ Green. I appreciate any and all Wildcats, from those in the jungle to Ratatat. Oh! Also the Bengals are wildcats! Obvs, Bengals win.
Packers at Colts
Okay, so Green Bay didn’t exactly lay down The Wrath of Zeus on the Saints last week. I’m envisioning total Greek god destruction for the Pack this week. A warning to Andrew Luck: Aaron Rodgers will turn into a swan and impregnate your mother, and then throw for 300 yards.
Eagles at Steelers
In the battle of the Unconstitutional Voter ID State, the records would indicate that the Iggles will trounce the Steelers. But, starting RB Rashard Mendenhall and linebacker James Harrison will probably be back from injury, and NO ONE PUTS STEELERS IN A CORNER. Prediction: Steelers by 7, and Michael Vick will be broken like everyone on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Falcons at Redskins
While the Racist Team Names are showing tons of pluck with Sir Robert Griffin The Third of the House of Orange, the Falcons have Matty Ice and the strongest WR pair in the league. Dirty Birds win. GET THE FUDGE OFF MY FIELD.
4:05 PM Games
Seahawks at Panthers
Pouty Cam Newton is like the high school varsity player who mopes after a loss, while the rest of the guys are whipping each other with towels and flashing their genitalia. I’m picking the Seahawks just to see Pouty Cam Newton (and, y’know, the Seahawks are better).
Bears at Jaguars
I would pay at least 20 dollars to see this fight live. Jaguars are terrifying, especially in packs, but bears can do everything humans can do, but 100 times better. I guess it depends on terrain. If we’re doing it by the book, it has to be pretty flat, like Final Destination or a glacier… What? Oh right, football. Bears win.
4:25 PM Games
Bills at 49ers
Only redeeming part of the Bills season now that CJ Spiller is injured: Leah Clancy. 49ers take it by at least 17 points.
Broncos at Patriots
Remember when Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady meant something? The two most elite QBs in the league, battling it out for NFL dominance and glory. Now, only one of them can move their neck from side to side. I’ll take the team with a QB with wider periphery vision. Pats win.
Titans at Vikings
The Titans are starting 37-year-old Matt Hasselback. This amuses Culinary Academy graduate Jared Allen. Vikes win. (Also, impress your friends and family by picking the Vikings for the playoffs. Seriously, do it. Come December, after your dad comes home from a long day at the coal mine, he will tell you he loves you for the first time in 12 years.)
8:20 Game: Chargers at Saints
How is it that the Saints are 0 and 4 and yet Vegas still has them winning by 3? That makes zero sense. On the other hand, I love the slots. I’m going with logic: Chargers by a touchdown, and Evil Commish Roger Goodell laughs maniacally.
Monday Night FOOBALL: Texans at Jets
The Team That Rex Built Like an IKEA Dresser lost by 34 to the 49ers. The Texans are just as good, if not better. This is going be embarrassing. DEUX EX TEBOW? GET THE FLIP OFF MY FIELD.