Brace yourselves, people. Eli Manning is hosting Saturday Night Live on May 5. It’s not really clear why. He certainly won a Super Bowl a few months ago. Peyton Manning hosted it a few years ago and did a great job (mostly because of this hysterical United Way sketch) so maybe it’s a sense of brotherly competition.

Eli Manning has no stage experience and a resume that consists of a few lone Toyota commercials. Eli also did this commercial with brother Peyton that shows maybe a little promise? It’s hard to be very charming when your brother looks like an astronaut. If it’s funny, it won’t be because of outstanding writing – it will be because Eli Manning has the biggest derp face of all time.

Here’s the rest of your sports news this week:

• The NFL released the 2012 regular season schedule on Tuesday evening. Good news: more Thursday games! Bad news: The Giants have a particularly hard schedule. Perhaps Eli Manning will do such a great time hosting Saturday Night Live he can just give up on football and parlay it into a career of making terrible Hangover sequels.
• The Rams and the Vikings play the toughest home schedules, which is just cruel. Don’t the Rams and the Vikings face enough hardship already by being basically the worst teams ever?
• Delonte West gave Gordon Hayward a wet willy your big brother/childhood bully would be proud of during the Mavericks/Jazz game on Monday night. Delonte West is a wet-willy-artiste.
• The terms of Sean Payton’s suspension for his involvement in the Saints bounty fiasco state that he’s not allowed to talk to anybody at all affiliated with the NFL. Good thing his suspension plans primarily involve playing bongos with Jimmy Buffet.
• In another “Doesn’t It Suck To Be Famous” story: Derrick Rose admitted to GQ that “this life” doesn’t fit his personality. Poor Derrick Rose. It sucks to be a famous professional athlete.
• I don’t follow hockey, but I do follow people getting hit really hard: The Blackhawks’ Andrew Shaw was suspended for three games for “barreling into” Coyotes goalie Mike Smith. Apparently, Mike Smith “lay motionless on the ice for several minutes, but finished the game.” That’s hustle!
• The Canucks are down 3 – 0 in the playoffs against the Kings. The city of Vancouver is already preparing for riots because of what happened when they lost the Stanley Cup last year.
• President Obama praised NASCAR Spring Cup winner Tony Stewart for what he said was “one of the most dramatic finishes that we have ever seen.” I can’t believe Obama watches NASCAR? I hope he does? I hope that while he negotiates free trade agreements in Colombia, he DVRs the Gatorade Duel in Florida?
• Jessica Dorrell, the Arkansas employee involved in Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle crash, resigned from her position. As part of her settlement package she received $14,000 from the university. New post-graduation plan: Involve myself in terrible scandal with NCAA football coach.
• In what is possibly the best news of all time, Jay-Z wrote the lyrics to the rap song “Buggin” by Bugs Bunny on the Space Jam soundtrack. That’s right. Jay-Z is Bugs Bunny’s songwriter.
• Marlins manager Ozzie Gullien just returned from a five-game suspension for essentially calling Fidel Castro a badass. He told the media he imposed “self-probation” on, well, himself.

In NYU news:

• The NYU Men’s Tennis team won against Wilkes University over the weekend 8 – 1, improving its record to 6 – 5.

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