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/ April 13, 2012
Rep. Allen West’s ReMarx On Communist House Party

The Democratic Party has always had its communist suspicions: FDR with his “leg problems,” Jimmy Carter with his “bean farm,” and, more recently, Barack Obama with his “Portugese water dog, Bo.” In light of McCarthyism and “Happy Days,” the search never ends to seek out the enemies of our past and hunt them down à la Trotsky in the Mexican sunset. Luckily, we have a soldier relentlessly steamrolling the century-old cause into the 21st century. His name is Allen West, and he is a goddamn patriot.

Allen West is the U.S. Representative for Florida’s 22nd congressional district, having spiraled into office in the 2010 midterm cyclone of Tea Partyism. He is also an Iraqi Army vet and the first African-American Representative in Florida since the Reconstruction Era. Now, those are some credentials – but, on Tuesday night, he showed off his true red-white-and-blue-ism.

At a town hall meeting in his district, one supporter asked him a question that has been bugging him (and all of us) for days, if not years: “How many card-carrying Marxists or international socialists are there in Congress?” To which Mr. West responded almost instantaneously, “I believe there’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party that are members of the Communist Party.” Game, set, match.

Now, before you run off to grab your pitchfork or blowtorch, hold on just a second. Let’s mull over the numbers: 78 to 81 is amazingly precise for an estimated range (kudos West) and it translates into substantial legislative numbers. If we’re talking about the Senate, that’s nearly 100% commie.  If we’re talking about the House, which is made up of 435 members, that’s a little less than 25% commie or, if you’re into the whole brevity thing, a quarter Red.

But we are talking about the House, because Rep. Allen West pointed fingers at his own co-workers: the Congressional Progressive Caucus. This uber-shady sub-sect meets underneath the Hill at midnight on Tuesdays (probably not true; check out its website for clarification). And, like every good communist caucus,  it hides its message in the mainstream, just like in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. Just look at the headlines of some of these press releases:

“Co-Chairs Grijalva, Ellison Call for Justice for Underwater Mortgage Holders”

“CPC Co-Chairs Call For Real Accountability in Wall Street Bank Settlement”

“Congressional Progressive Caucus Announces Latest Jobs Legislation in Framework to Rebuild the American Dream”

Outrageous but not surprising, given the circumstances: On the ideological spectrum, the term “progressive” dwells in a void somewhere left of paganism and somewhere right of Dr. Seuss.  The CPC was created in 1991, not-so-coincidentally the same year that the Soviet Union fell and the international communist agenda was on the run looking for a new place in which to settle and call home. It boasts a MO, or “manifesto” for those of us who know better, whose “efforts” include “to combat hunger” and guarantee that “working families can live above the poverty line.”

You might know some of its more well-known infiltrators in the House: Dennis Kucinich of Ohio, Barney Frank of Massachusetts and Manhattan’s very own Carolyn Maloney. And its rat in the Senate is none other than the conspicuously indie Bernie Sanders of Vermont. But its less popular agents are the real suspects here:

Meet Rep. Chaka Fattah (D-PA). The Pennsylvanian Houseman, whose name is reminiscent of Louis Farrakhan and Chaka Khan, is an easy call. To cloud his Marxist mindset, he devotes his time to three vividly capitalist activities: golfing, biking and fighting crime.

Or Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA). This Democratic member holds top guard in the party’s House Politburo, making him a clearly feasible communist candidate. Before you read his biography, you must choose ‘Espanol’ or ‘English,’ and it’s not because he’s the first Latino to serve on the Ways and Means Committee. That’s what he wants you to think.

Frieda Kahlo wasn’t the only lady in red: Rep. Mazie K. Hirono (D-HI) was born in Japan and then came to America to indoctrinate our youth. Deemed the “Pre-K Champion” by the advocacy group, Pre-K NOW, Hirono made it her priority to take your children away from you at a young age and put them in the government’s classrooms to play with blocks, to nap and to learn historical materialism.

So Rep. Allen West might be onto something, and this is an issue that he should take to the White House to further investigate. But, according to West, he’s not on good grounds with the President after West’s request for a sit-down. Mr West explains: “Cuz he was too scared!” What a shame.