Bobby Petrino Is A Liar And Other Sports News This Week
/ April 11, 2012

Last week, Bobby Petrino (offensive coordinator for the University of Arkansas Razorbacks) crashed his motorcycle into a ditch, breaking four ribs and cracking a vertebrae. Petrino told Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long that he was alone on said motorcycle during the crash; this was the story went to the media. But after the accident went public, Petrino revealed he was actually with former Arkansas volleyball player, Jessica Dorrell. Dorrell is not Petrino’s wife. After that admission, Petrino then admitted to having an “inappropriate relationship” with Jessica Dorrell. He has four kids and two grandchildren with his wife. Scandalous!

The New York Times reports that this isn’t the first time Bobby Petrino has been a huge prick. In 2007, Petrino left the 3-10 Atlanta Falcons with no warning whatsoever. The only confirmation the players received was a four-sentence letter posted in their lockers. NFL safety Lawyer Millroy said this about Petrino: “Just because he knows X’s and O’s doesn’t mean he’s a nice person.” Yes, Lawyer, if there’s one thing we all know from sports gossip it’s that being good at sports isn’t equivalent to being a decent human being.

This week, Petrino was placed on paid leave by the University of Arkansas for the cover-up. To say the least, the past ten months have been tumultuous for NCAA football programs. After everything that happened at Penn State, athletic directors are on their toes and ready to report absolutely anything to the police. If you are an NCAA coach having an affair with a 25 year-old co-worker, then you should probably just come clean. Don’t try to lie. Nobody is going to look the other way. In a post- Penn State world, there is no tolerance for cover-ups.

Students at Arkansas have already held a rally in his honor. On to your other sports news this week:

  • As if the Marlins didn’t have enough problems with their mediocre 2 – 3 start, manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games for “comments he made in which he expressed admiration for Cuban leader Fidel Castro.” Apparently, Guillen told Time magazine that he loves and respects Castro for staying in power for so long. That’s a pretty strong reaction for voicing a political opinion. The suspension may be because the new, fancy Marlins ballpark is situated right in the middle of Miami’s Little Havana, and nobody in the administration wants to alienate the Cuban community. It could also be because, y’know, America hates Cuba.
  • Bubba Watson won the Masters on Sunday with this incredible shot from what is basically the Augusta parking lot. The ball makes a big hook right onto the green about fifteen feet away from the hole. Bubba Watson looks just as  shocked as the rest of America that he was able to pull it off.
  • Tim Tebow threw what was essentially a Coachella of his own on Eastern Sunday. Instead of acid and naked hippies covered in mud, he drew in 15,000 evangelical Christians to talk about faith, Tebowing and being a backup NFL quarterback. The event was sponsored by non-denominational megachurch Celebration Church. Who are the biggest figures in Christianity according to Celebration Church pastor Joe Champion? “In Christianity, it’s the Pope and Tebow right now.” Nope. No mention of Jesus in that sentence. Jesus? That’s so 23 AD.
  • Peyton Manning worked out with the Denver wide receivers this week. Eric Decker says Peyton Manning’s arm is JUST FINE and sounded off on Peyton Manning’s work ethic: “The way he talks about football, the way he runs drill work, routes, everything’s gotta be perfect and there’s no gray area. I think that, as a receiver, [that is] the best thing about it. You got a leader that demands the best out of you because he gives the best he’s got.” Good God, Eric Decker makes Peyton Manning sound like a 17-year-old straight-A-horseback-riding-girl-scout working on her Harvard application.
  • In the few months following Josh Hamilton’s relapse, the Texas Rangers were skeptical about his long-term commitment to sobriety and the Texas Rangers. Consequently, Josh Hamilton didn’t get the multi-year contract he was looking for at the end of last season. In the past four games, Josh Hamilton has already hit a 441 foot home run, made an amazing jumping catch and has three RBIs. A round of applause of Josh Hamilton for getting over his relapse scrutiny and also for (at press time) being awesome at baseball.
  • Lamar Odom was deactivated by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Odom had one of the worst years of his career with the Mavericks averaging only 6.6 points and 4.1 rebounds per game. It was clear there were tensions between Odom and the Mavericks administration. Odom’s biggest problem wasn’t that he was a bad basketball player, more that he didn’t try to be a very good basketball player. Odom will sit out the rest of the season and hopefully merit some sort of trade in the offseason. The real controversy is: what will this mean for Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s marriage?
  • The Knicks are doing just fine without Jeremy Lin. On Sunday, The Knicks beat the Bulls (who are arguably the best team in the league) 100 – 99. The victory was led by Carmelo Anthony who had 43 points including the winning thee late in overtime. The game was also Derrick Rose’s return to basketball after sitting out 12 games with a strained groin.
  • You actually HAVE to watch this video of a MMA fighter snapping another fighter’s arm in half. You really have to watch it. Like 34 times. You have to watch it.

In NYU news…

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