It’s been a tumultuous week in the sports world. ESPN created its first ever internet meme (Kim Kardashian’s Marriage > Tim Tebow), The Saints and Patriots lost games they arguably should have won, an ESPN exec is going to court over masturbating in front of Erin Andrews and the Rangers lost the World Series– there are some down and out sports fans.
It sucks when your team loses. Especially when they’re good. It’s a killer when Philip Rivers botches a snap, the Rangers bullpen falls apart or when the Saints offensive line drops off the face of the planet. All I can say is keep your head up. When all else fails at least you have sports gossip. Sports gossip is just as fun as celebrity gossip! It has more dick pics! I suggest you disgruntled Dolphins fans, Tim Tebow enthusiasts and disheartened Texans keep in mind that even when your teams lose, you can always make fun of somebody else’s team.
Or just Peter King. On to the picks!
Sunday 1:00 PM
BILLS over Jets 27 – 20
The Jets just had a bye week last Sunday so sports reporters everywhere are concerned they’ve lost their “momentum.” How do you measure something like momentum, CBS?
TEXANS over Browns 35 – 17
Duane Brown says he didn’t punch Clint Session last week but who are we kidding? It’s football. Somebody got punched.
CHIEFS over Dolphins 17 – 13
Poor Tony Sparano. When the first Google search suggestion under your name is “Tony Sparano fired” you know you’re in trouble.
COWBOYS over Seahawks 28 – 24
Dear People Who Don’t Like The Cowboys: the term “Clownboys” is not clever in the slightest. However, last weekend was pretty embarrassing for America’s team, I’m not going to lie. Thankfully they’re playing the only team in the NFL more embarrassing than they are.
49ers over REDSKINS 25 – 14
It still hasn’t hit me that the 49ers are good this season. They are really impressive! Alex Smith only has two interceptions so far this season! Every other quarterback in the league: take notes.
SAINTS over Buccaneers 34 – 7
I’m still in shock that the Saints lost to the Rams last week. The Saints better win or they can say goodbye to their lead in the NFC South.
Falcons over COLTS 31 – 10
There are a ton of 4 – 3 teams right now. 8 teams in the NFL are 4 – 3. It’s a weird position because they’re not bad but they’re not particularly good either.
Sunday 4:05 PM
RAIDERS over Broncos 27 – 13
Jason Campbell > Tim Tebow? Occupy Oakland > Tim Tebow? T.J Houshmandzadeh > Tim Tebow?
TITANS over Bengals 17 – 16
The Bengals are 5 – 2 but they have faced nobody good this season. That’s all I have to say. Most Boring Game Of The Week.
Sunday 4:15 PM
PATRIOTS over Giants 27 – 24
Think your Halloween was crazy? Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman “allegedly reached under a female patron’s costume and touched her inappropriately.” Quite the Halloweekend, Julian Edelman.
Packers over CHARGERS 45 – 31
The Chargers have really disappointed me this season. I thought they were going to be awesome but it turns out they just “almost win” games after Phillip Rivers botches a snap.
CARDINALS over Rams 17 – 13
Fox will bill this as the exciting Sunday afternoon game between two teams who have only won one game this season. The Rams will win only if Feeley plays. Apparently if Sam Bradford is QB, the Rams lose.
Sunday 8:20 PM
STEELERS over Ravens 30 – 21
This is the second time these teams face off this season. Since they have such a “fierce rivalry” it should be a devastating game. Prepare to see a lot of injuries.
Monday 8:30 PM
EAGLES over Bears 34 – 27
The Eagles are finally good! At least thats what everyone says after they dominated against the Cowboys though. We all have to remember they were playing the Cowboys though. The Cowboys suck. The Bears are actually decent.
Byes: Panthers, Lions, Jaguars, Vikings
Last week: 9 -4
Season: 90 – 36
Peyton Manning update: This guy thinks the Cowboys should trade Tony Romo for Peyton Manning. Even with a debilitating neck injury, Peyton Manning is better than Tony Romo.