Football fans, I know you’re asking yourself this burning question: What is Brett Favre up to? Has he opened a car dealership yet? Does he wake up screaming every morning thinking it’s all just a bad dream, then opens up the morning paper to find out it’s really not? Everybody still gives a shit about Brett Favre, right?
Well, Brett Favre would like to let everyone know that he predicted Aaron Rodgers’ Super Bowl victory. Yep. Brett Favre: Psychic Medium. I’m surprised Brett Favre isn’t making these picks for NYULocal every week. That’s not even it though. On top of his stunning prediction, the only thing Brett Favre is surprised about is that Rodgers didn’t win a Super Bowl earlier. Especially seeing as he learned all of his trade secrets from the best quarterback in the history of football, who, according to Brett Favre is Brett Favre:
“I’d like to think that he watched, he learned, and then when he got a chance to play, he brought in his ability—which is obviously very good…He’s got tremendous talent, he’s very bright and he got a chance to watch and see successful teams do it right.”
Brett Favre sounds like a dick here. That being said: If we hadn’t actually seen his dick would our reaction be any different? Probably. It’s going to take we Americans a bit of time to get over this severe dong trauma. Brett Favre has to give us time to face the fact that he’s not the good old boy we all thought he was.
Or he could just give every American citizen free food for life at the Brett Favre Steakhouse in Green Bay. That works too. On that note, onto the picks.
Sunday 1:00 PM
STEELERS over Titans 24 – 17
If there was one thing I didn’t expect this season is for it to be week 5 and the Titans are 3 -1 and the Steelers are 2 – 2. Maybe Ben Roethlisberger is finally getting his comeuppance for sexually assaulting drunk chicks (THREE TIMES)?
TEXANS over Raiders 34 – 23
I’m not quite sure what to say about this other than the Texans are actually good this year yet absolutely nobody paying attention to them. Prediction: knocked out in forgettable game the second round of the playoffs.
COLTS over Chiefs 28 – 27
The Colts, despite mostly being the personification of Brett Favre’s limp penis, have played some close games this season. Granted, they lost all of them. I still think they’ll win at least one game and this will be it. Side Note: The Colts owner has a twitter and boy, he’s having a hard time tweeting about anything now that the Colts suck.
Bengals over JAGUARS 20 – 14
What emotions do you think played across Carson Palmer’s face as he watched the Bengals beat the Bills last week? Heartbreak? Melancholy? A strange sense of peace? Insecurity? Apathy?
GIANTS over Seahawks 24 – 10
Seattle may have the only residents who care about soccer more than football. Their MLS actually team WON something important recently? Seeing as I’m a REAL American, I don’t even know what MLS event they even won.
Cardinals over VIKINGS 20 – 17
Every year doesn’t a tiny piece of you want the Vikings to be good? I want to know what that psychological disorder is called.
Saints over PANTHERS 34 – 28
I can’t wait until Cam Newton is on the cover of Madden and then immediately afterward inexplicably sucks at football.
BILLS over Eagles 31 – 24
The 2011 Eagles is the most glaring example that you can’t buy your team. I only wish it happened to the Yankees instead of the Eagles.
Sunday 4:05 PM
49RS over Buccaneers 21 – 17
Part of me wants to say these TWO teams still suck, because everyone thought they would suck a month ago. They’re both 3 – 1 though. What’s happened to the world?
Sunday 4:15 PM
PATRIOTS over Jets 34 – 24
Enter Mark Sanchez statutory rape joke here.
Chargers over BRONCOS 30 – 20
I have a Bronco wide receiver on my fantasy team and he’s done better than Santonio Holmes this year. Like I said: what’s wrong with the world?
Sunday 8:20 PM
Packers over FALCONS 31 – 14
Now that Aaron Rodgers has Brett Favre’s blessing, he can go kick some mediocre-caliber football ass in Atlanta!
Monday 8:30 PM
LIONS over Bears 35 – 28
Can we talk about how great it is that the Lions are actually good? If there’s anything Detroit needed it was a shred of happiness resulting from the meaningless competition of two athletics teams. It’s like a tiny flower in the middle of the smoking rubble of Detroit.
That’s all for this week. Here’s a Peyton Manning update.
Last Week: 14 – 2 (Come on guys, I need more appreciation about this success from people who aren’t my dad.)
Season: 56 – 17