So here’s the thing about Earth Day: it’s really stupid.

First off, what happens on Earth Day? Like, what are some Earth Day things to do? Have you ever “celebrated” Earth Day, ever, except for that time in fifth grade when you had to make a diorama about photosynthesis? No, you haven’t, because Earth Day isn’t even a real holiday.

Do you know how it started? Here, read for yourself. It got started in 1970 to mark “the beginning of the modern environmental movement,” which back then apparently entailed aiming for “Zero Population Growth” and watching Indians cry. Do you want to halt the continuation of the human race? Do you want to watch Indians cry all day? No, you don’t, even though both of these things have to do with Earth Day, which is a stupid thing.

Not convinced? All right. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You’re not going to like it, and some people in the comments are probably going to get pissed about it, but here goes: people only care about the environment when it’s convenient for them to do so.

Do you remember car commercials from a couple years ago? They were all about “miles per gallon” and “clean energy” and showed Audis zooming past luscious green fields and majestic elms. But now? I challenge you to find one car commercial that doesn’t completely concern itself with the economy. As in, yes, clean energy is important, but since the economy’s in the toilet, Mother Earth will have to take a rain check.

Think back further. Al Gore, the guy with the PowerPoint on how we’re destroying the Earth, was able to put together a technically-successful presidential campaign in 2000. Four years later? The environment wasn’t even a top-three issue. Why? Oh, you know, September 11 and Iraq and the flu-shot thing and No Child Left Behind and a bunch of other issues that mattered more to people than the environment.

My point is that, save for the most extreme environmental activists—whose work is important in raising awareness on issues relating to pollution and ecological protection!—the environment as an issue just hasn’t stuck with people.

You might be saying right now, it’s that very apathy that’s destroying the Earth! We have to do something! Earth Day YEAHHHHH!

And you’re right. We should all care about the environment more than we already do. But I think that we underestimate our planet’s ability to take care of itself—plants don’t need a “day” to keep converting carbon dioxide to oxygen, and the water cycle happens all the time and will keep on happening even if we get rid of Earth Day!

And in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I think we should get rid of Earth Day, because frankly, it’s insulting to the American consciousness. Yes, back in 1970  people were probably misinformed about the environment. But I’d like to think that we know a little better now, and don’t need an arbitrarily-selected bureaucratic holiday to remind us to take care of our planet. Mother Earth is like the stepmom your dad married six months ago: you love her, even though you usually don’t really give a shit about her. So while you’re off picketing for plant rights or whatever the fuck happens on Earth Day, I’ll be ashing my cigarette onto the soil and feeling grateful that I won’t be around to witness The Day After Tomorrow.