Why It’s So Great: Steve Coogan, who at some points blatantly borrows mannerisms from Steve Carell’s quirky Office character Michael Scott, does a hilarious job at portraying the messy, almost farcical Dana Marschz (that’s Marsh-zzzzzzzzz). He also plays a shirtless Jesus in the high school’s production of Hamlet 2.  (You’re thinking: “Jesus was in Hamlet?” The answer is no. He is, however, in Hamlet 2!)

Mesa High School’s production of Marschz’s vision begins with the song “Rock Me Sexy Jesus,” an homage to, you guessed it, the aesthetically pleasing son of God! (“Immaculate conception really makes my day/But the dude’s got lats that make me feel gay/To turn the other cheek is really showing class/But I really think it’s sexy when he kicks Satan’s ass, kicks Satan’s ass, kick’s Satan’s ass!”) Really.

While the movie is not grossly offensive, it is by no means filled with “safe” humor—not one minority is spared, but the onslaughts are so flippant that it is difficult to be genuinely offended by any of the jokes.

And, oh, one more thing. Hamlet 2 has absolutely nothing to do with Hamlet 1.

We will be there from 9 to 10 o’ clock, one epic hour.

But, now, hold on, the Democrats don’t get off easy. Former DNC chairman Don Fowler said earlier this week that Gustav’s approach during the Republican Convention “just demonstrates that God is on our side.” Similarly, filmmaker and prominent Democrat Michael Moore thinks that Gustav is “proof that there is a God in heaven.” They should be ashamed of themselves.

These kinds of moments remind me why Obama’s appeal to a new kind of politics is so powerful. I’m not sure Obama can claim he will usher in a post-partisan era, but any movement away from this kind of blathering would be refreshing.

This week, in City, we are featuring our Ultimate Guide to the City. We want to help those of you who are new to New York (as well as those who have been basking in the sun and drinking margaritas for too long this summer) get (re)aquainted with the basics of living in New York. On Tuesday we will present Food and Getting Around, on Wednesday, Things to See, on Thursday, Online Resources, and on Friday, Nightlife.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably already at least a little bit web-savvy. Having those Internet skills can certainly be useful when you’re figuring out what you want to do when you leave the computer, so here is a list of useful websites where you learn a lot about the upcoming events and activities in New York.

• The Brooklyn Paper
• Brooklyn Vegan
• Event Guide
• Events Setter
• Flavorpill
• FreeNYC
• FREEwilliamsburg
• Gothamist
• The L Magazine
• McCarren Park Pool
• New York Magazine
• NY.com
• NYC Arts
• NYC Parks
• nycvisit.com
• Oh My Rockness
• Paper Mag
• What’s Up NYC

Since last night’s liveblog got a lot of comments, we’re going to try the same thing again for McCain’s speech tonight, starting at 9:30. Joining me this time will be NYU Local opinion bloggers Pat McGovern and Charlie Eisenhood. Due to technical limitations, we’re not going to actually be in the same room and will be attempting to coordinate the whole thing online, so this should be an exciting experiment in chaos.

Remember: Watch this space at 9:30 PM!

9:23: It begins.

9:24: No TV? You can watch along with us while we liveblog! Check it out:

Live TV by Ustream

Isn’t living in the future awesome?

9:30: Expectations time! I predict McCain will do worse than this:

But slightly better than this:

And if you were wondering where the title of this post came from … now you know.

9:38: Cindy McCain delivering a sleepy little speech right now. I feel like she’s reading me a right-wing bedtime story.

9:45: McCain’s mic is up way too high. She keeps making weird noises into it during the pauses. Someone should just turn it off during the applause lines.

9:48: Charlie Eisenhood: “If this is supposed to humanize and soften McCain, it’s not working. This is terribly boring.”

9:52: Pat McGovern: “This sounds like one of those infomercials where you can sponsor a poor kid for like 5 bucks a month.”

Me: “We’re starting to sound like Mystery Science Theater 3000: Republican Convention edition.”

9:55: Why is Cindy McCain wearing a Navy medallion on her outfit? Her husband’s the military one in the family, right? I vaguely remember hearing something about him being a POW.

9:57: Pat approves of the music selection post-Cindy McCain speech. As do I.

Hooray for awkwardly dancing delegates!

9:58: Charlie: “”I wonder if she threw the speech to avoid upstaging the awkward speech to follow”

10:00: On the PA system: “Celebrate good times some more!”

Pat: “These shots of the rnc getting down to 70’s funk are easily the most awkward things i have ever seen”

Me: “This song seems like a really poor choice given the apocalyptic message of a lot of the speeches”

Charlie: “maybe not the best song choice with Bush still in office and your policies looking a lot like his…”

10:03: Christ. They’re really dragging out the musical interlude. We’re on song number three now. Bring out the candidate! Please!

10:04: Oh, good. They’re playing one of those schmaltzy biography videos now. DID YOU KNOW JOHN MCCAIN WAS A POW?!!

10:11: The whole tone of this video is weird. Obama’s bio video at least tried to portray the candidate as somewhat humble, but this one really plays up the messianic qualities. To a godawful Final Fantasy synth soundtrack.

10:12: John McCain appears wreathed in a glowing ball of light, looking like nothing more than a septuagenarian Republican E.T.

10:16: The color of the screen behind McCain just faded to … oh god …

Pat: “The Green Screen of Death lives”

10:18: Charlie: “Awkward grins…Go!”

God, I love sequels.

10:21: So far not quite as creepy and awkward as the infamous green screen speech. But let’s see how this plays out.

10:22: After McCain promises victory in the election, audience chants, “YES WE CAN!” realizes that’s Obama’s slogan, and awkwardly transitions to “YES WE WILL!” And, of course, they have to chant “USA! USA!” every two goddamn minutes. In case we forgot they all love America.

10:25: Pat: “a ‘happy’ john mccain is much scarier than an angry one”

10:26: Here we go again. Palin’s “tackled” corruption. Tackled it in a giant bear hug, maybe.

10:28: It’s so weird to hear a long-serving, thoroughly entrenched insider Senator warn DC that, “Change is coming.” It’s like hearing the Joker give a lecture on the rule of law, complete with the creepy grinning.

10:30: Now McCain’s claiming that he fought corruption. CoughKeatingFivecough.

10:31: Charlie: “This is just not believable. John McCain as maverick just doesn’t mesh with the last three months or the last three days of this convention”

10:35: “I tangibly feel the steam escaping from this campaign”

I don’t know. As mediocre as this speech is, I think it will be considered a success in its mediocrity. At least it’s not a trainwreck.

10:38: This speech is everything Obama’s detractors say that his are. “Change is awesome! I love good things! Vote for me!”

10:39: Charlie: ” ‘We believe in…communities!’ But not community organizers…”

10:41: Apparently Obama wants to reduce unemployment by “wishing away the global economy.” Dude, if you’re going to criticize your opponent’s economic policies, at least find out what they are.

10:42: “Education is the civil rights issue of this century.” Take that, gay people who want to get married! And renditioned “enemy combatants!”

10:45: Pat: “The energy that was in the crowd at the DNC is just not present tonight, everything comes off as forced (and unlike Barack, McCain has brought no delegates to tears)”

The longer this goes on, the more McCain stumbles and slurs his words. It’s not even enough of a trainwreck to be funny. It’s just sort of weird and sad.

10:46: Pat: “McCain wants to stop sending billions every year to countries that don’t like us very much. ( like Iraq?) ”

Don’t forget human lives!

Tom in the comments:

Empower parents with choice!

….Unless you’re a woman

10:49: McCain promises to “stabilize relations with Russia.” This is after basically calling the Kremlin a bunch of evil brutes, and famously saying, “We’re all Georgians now.”

10:52: McCain rails against “constant partisan rancor.” I guess he didn’t watch his running mate’s speech last night.

10:54: Pat: “‘I have that record and the scars to prove it,’ followed by a wink; is he serious?”

10:56: Technical difficulties! Pat loses audio. He’s missing out on the awesomeness!

McCain’s addressing his POW experience right now. A rare moment - you’ll notice that he doesn’t like his campaign to bring it up too much.

11:01: You might have noticed that Vets Against the War heckler on TV. Apparently he was arrested and kicked out of the convention center. Dana Goldstein scored an interview immediately after.

11:02: Now McCain is urging everyone to public service and to “defend the rights of the oppressed.” Unless you want to be a community organizer. Fuck those guys.

11:04: Closing cry: “STAND UP! STAND UP AND FIGHT! STAND UP!”

Apparently he needs to order people in order to get standing ovations.

11:05: It’s over! McCain departs the stage to the tune of “Raising McCain.” GET IT?!!

What did you guys think?

Photo by Flickr user NewsHour used under a Creative Commons license.

Hipsters everywhere should prepare for the complete outdoing of their cheap-ass canvas logo totes from Marc by Marc. WWD says that YSL’s version will be handed out free in “key fashion cities” (NY included, of course) starting on September 6th. WWD touted the promo as something of a second coming of Christ-esque event, highlighting the fact that Stefano Pilati himself designed the bag. OMFG.

Look at it for a moment though, and it’s apparent that the “designing” didn’t really extend beyond flipping the pre-existing YSL logo upside down and making it enormous for easy spotting from a great distance. Though the black and white simplicity is certainly more chic than Marc’s bags, whose saturation in the general vicinity of NYU borders on offensive, the whole thing still reeks of a particular variety of over-large label presence that I can’t quite stand. On the bright side, now wannabe fashionistas will be just as easily identifiable as their plaid-covered, Bleecker Street counterparts.

James Franco was spotted toting a backpack about an hour ago on Waverly near Washington Square East. That coupled with the Franco sighting last week at Think on Mercer leads me to believe that Gawker was right, everyone’s favorite stoner is going to Tisch. Anyone sit next to him in class?

Photo: Flickr by and_she_was

2. She bakes brownies but then makes you pray before you can eat them, even though you have intimated repeatedly that you are an Athiest. Then she makes a backhanded comment about the length of your skirt.

3. She makes a big deal about your vegetarianism at the family barbeque. Within 10 minutes every single family member knows that you don’t eat meat, and then they repeatedly ask you questions about why you made such a “hippie-seeming” choice.

4. She constantly brings up girls from church that she wishes her son would date instead of you, but she is a coy, mysterious beast, and so says things like, “Cora has really gotten beautiful, wouldn’t you say? She wanted to study theology at Alaska Bible College, but then decided to stay home and help her father with his business.” She then asks, for the fifth time, what you’re majoring in, and narrows her eyes when you answer, “Um, I’m not sure, I want to be a writer…”

5. The family DVD collection consists solely of Veggie Tales and hunting documentaries.

6. The deer head proudly posted above the mantle has a cross hanging from its neck. Each year, Mrs. Palin makes everyone pose around it for the family Christmas card. You are the one responsible for taking the picture.

7. She frequents your boyfriend’s athletic events, occasionally using the Lord’s name in vain when the ref makes a call she disagrees with. The signs she brings read, “My son shoots goals for God.”

8. Despite the fact that he is a nympho, you had to teach her son what a condom was, and initially get him to commit premarital sex by explaining to him that, no, you may as well just fuck me because sticking it in my ass is an even worse sin, Sodom.

In case you don’t like faux underground restaurants in the West Village or hidden bars in phone booths on St. Mark’s Place, there’s a new bar for you somewhere in the Lower East Side. It’s called El Baño—and you and I are totally not invited to opening night!

In fact, we don’t even know where it is. The club’s Web site says “Our thought is, that if you’re supposed to know where we are, you know where we are.” They will mail you an uncut key, later giving you instructions as to which locksmith to visit. And once you find out, you have to fake going into a bodega bathroom to get to the actual club. I know—sounds classy!

Honestly, I can’t believe this is real. (Neither do a lot of people.) But for real, while there’s a part of me that is SO INSANELY CURIOUS AND I WANT TO GO TAKE ME TINSLEY MORTIMER, most of me hates this for being the kind of club that’s ruining nightlife.

I know, I know, I’ve only lived here a couple years. What do I know about nightlife? The same thing that everyone does—that artificial exclusivity policies like this lead to button-down-clad Newark businessmen paying their way in and stranding everyone else at the door because they can’t afford a table. And even if your club is “totally not like that,” no matter how tight you make your door because you confuse exclusivity for fun, douchebags will find their way in anyway.

So if you’re reading this and have a key to El Baño, by all means, have fun dancing the night and flushing your money away—if other “elite” clubs in New York are any indication, drinks will run you up to a couple dozen dollars. The rest of us will be having fun the old-fashioned way: with friends, cheap drinks, and no angry bouncers staring us down.

Photo: Flickr courtesy of futureshape

Nonetheless, I have found a book that the entire NYU community is going to want to read. In fact, you’ll probably love it so much that you’ll want to actually buy it and read it aloud to all of your friends. Seriously.

Why so confident? You go to NYU. That means either A) you are a hipster B) you hate hipsters, or C) you pretend to hate hipsters but secretly you are one. Whatever category you fall under, there is no way you don’t love haiku poetry. Come on, who doesn’t love a little 5-7-5 rhyme? And that’s where Hipster Haiku by Siobhan Adcock comes in.

I know, I was speechless when I heard the title, too. But we should all rejoice. In this little collection you can find gems such as:

“I only kissed you
Because I saw the playlists
On your damn iPod”

“Ex-boyfriend’s worst dig:
‘You’ve never heard of that band?’
Indier-than-thou”

“Wait, it’s four a.m.
Is that too late for me to
Get into your pants?”

And if the book doesn’t sate your poetic hipster needs, don’t worry. There’s a website. With hipster sestinas!

Adcock explains the origin of the book and site in the introduction: “I don’t know why exactly I started…Mostly because I felt like I had some important issues to explore that I couldn’t talk about in my blog…haiku are kind of terse and old-school and no-bullshit, like the old Polish guys who used to drink at my bar but for some reason left right around when I started working there. I figured eventually I’d bring the haiku out of the journal and take them to the community…in the end, it was easier to make a Web site.”

So forget about your Con West reading for tonight, admit your relationship to the word hipster, whatever it may be, and indulge in some good old-fashioned haiku.

Feel free to post your
own here, if you’re inspired. This
could be magical.

Photo by Flickr user kandyjaxx under the Creative Commons.