Hi. Did you know there are many things wrong with our environment? It’s true! We all might die. Here’s what’s going on this week:

Exxon Mobil was just found guilty of polluting the drinking water in Queens. Despite the fact that it was found guilty, the company is still “considering its legal options.” If you live in Queens, you should maybe consider getting a Brita filter.

Drilling for natural gas in the Marcellus Shale, which runs through a good part of the East Coast, may irreparably damage our drinking water. Everyone knows this is a grave risk, but there’ll probably be little regulation of the drilling anyway because, come on, the people need their Appalachian-produced natural gas. God.Scientists have spent a lot of money determining that our planet is easier to spot from outerspace because of all our lights. Lights make things easier to see! And the sky is blue!

Madonna is noise polluting so much! She’s being sued and may get kicked out of her building because of her “loud music and frequent dance sessions”. If only she just stood there and played guitar, like that lazy—but quiet!—Paul McCartney

New York children only care about the environment if it helps them “do better on homework on tests,” according to 5-year-old Julliana Jimenez. Not even an Onion headline, folks.

Photo: Flickr via MikeBaird