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/ December 17, 2013
What Would We Do With $636,000,000? The Answers Will Literally Make You Orgasm.

Student loans are no longer an issue, guys. The Mega Millions jackpot has jumped to $636 million, the second-highest prize in U.S. history. And the prize will continue to grow if everyone keeps losing. Since it’s the end of the semester and we’re too lazy to cover the real news, NYU Local decided to talk about what we would do if we turned from lowly students to Beyoncé-status divas overnight.

Kelly Weill, City Editor

Pulling out all the stops. Buying a goddamn lion. Buy the NY Post and just print photoshops of my head onto animal bodies everyday.

Sophie Kleeman, On-Campus Editor

Would buy an island. Can you buy city block, because I would do that too. I would buy a newspaper and I would make an album. I would buy a cheetah. Can they [Sophie’s cheetah and Kelly’s lion] be friends? Wait, I would buy Fresh and Co. I would buy interns for Local. I would also buy WSN’s offices for Local. I’d buy Gracie Mansion too by the way. Oh, I would buy the warehouse liquor store on Broadway. Also, a subway [station]. 9th avenue will be renamed Sophie’s place.

Jorge Morillo, Multimedia Editor

I would use my money for evil, like buy a city and keep people out. I want to be a rich evil douche to be honest.  Would buy Beyoncé / Danity Kane. Will buy Lucy’s and keep it closed. Oh my god, a McDonald’s. Will be rich enough to not wear pants. Don’t like pants. Burn all pants.

Ari Lipsitz, Editor-In-Chief

I would probably make a Local scholarship [and] Pusheen sweaters. Buy one seat in Bobst. I would buy Zach Sokol if I won the lottery. I would pay Rob Ford to live in New York.

Joe Kozlowski, National Editor, Staten Island Native

Buy Staten Island and exile people there so they feel my pain. I’d also like to hire Philip Seymour Hoffman to deputy edit the National section and go to a hockey game with Rob Ford (although I probably don’t need that much money for the latter).

Helen Holmes, Entertainment Editor 

Roll up to Kimmel in a Lambo. I’d buy the presidency. BAM. Buy Sexton’s penthouse and turn it into the world’s most elevated opium den. Fulfill white girl fantasy: buy stallion jumper horse with a silly fancy horse name like Ladies and Gentlemen or Gait Keeper. Wait actually buy whole fleet of stallions. Adopt EVERY HIGHWAY name them all after me. East village pad which copies very specific room descriptions from the Clique books. Vintage motorcycle. Motorcycle lessons. 

Connor Durkin, On-Campus Editor

I would create a large-scale charity or start my own news organization. Over time, I would use my money to subtly mold society to make being Beyoncé’s friend a possibility. Definitely would buy a Jeep Wrangler, like all the cool kids drove in teen movies from the early 2000s. My first reaction would be a panic attack, so I would also hire a lawyer, financial advisor, and a damn good therapist. Think I would have enough to buy Local a swanky office space too.

Julia Berke, Photo Editor

Buy a house for my parents anywhere they want. Pay off student loans. Blow the rest to live with Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks. 

Hanna Orenstein, Entertainment Writer

First, I’d buy an apartment in the East Village, just to be practical. I’d buy a brunch fast pass, kind of like the Disney World fast pass that lets you skip all the lines and eat all the brunch everywhere, and the first eight seasons of Law & Order SVU that are not available on Netflix. Also, I’d buy a cat and name it George Costanza. As for the rest of the money … maybe a few dozen scholarships for NYU students, or maybe a castle in France where I can hole up with Matt Damon. Or maybe both.

Catherine Addington, City Writer

I’d finally fix housing. Give the barrio computers and wireless web browsing. Your kids are living without a good edumacation. Change the station. Teach them about gentrification. The rent is escalating. The rich are penetrating. We pay our corporations when we should be demonstrating. What about immigration? Politicians be hatin’! Racism in this nation’s gone from latent to blatant. I’ll cash my ticket and picket, invest in protest, never lose my focus till the city takes notice! And you know this, man! I’ll never sleep because the ghetto has a million promises for me to keep! Or something. 

Claire Voon, On-Campus Writer

7 interns for every day of the week. A cave bear skull. Fuck it I want the whole skeleton. Buy Times Square and turn it into a larger version of Copenhagen’s Christiania. A large butterfly emporium. A tapir sweater. The Vltava River. Friends for the lonely whale. Twitter. Joseph Gordon Levitt. GO BIG OR GO HOME.

Adam Cecil, Entertainment Writer 

Would probably buy a couple of Applebee’s and turn them into really expensive and high class restaurants just for shits and giggles.

Eric Silver, City Writer

East village apartment (I’m lookin at you, Stuy Street). My own subway car on every line. Because I’m a man of the people but also classy. Buy out a section of StuyTown, turn it into a book store/all ages play station. BECAUSE A BALL PIT IS AWESOME. Hire Ari to write my tweets. Just kidding, my tweets are great.

Alexandra Hoopes, Entertainment Writer

I would buy an entire street in the West Village and fill all the houses with people and family that I wanted to be near and set up the empty rooms as Bed and Breakfasts. I would give my old public high school a ton of money so that they could put on real performances and not just shitty renditions of Bye Bye Birdie where the tables are made of cardboard. I would make sure that everyone in America had the opportunity to experience somewhere outside of the United States for one week in their lifetime, for free. And I would make Broadway shows operate on a membership system where you pay 100 bucks a semester and can see anything as many times as you want … somehow. Not sure how that would work logistically.

Julia Musto, Multimedia Reporter

Pay off my goddamn student loans. Buy my first fake ID. Keep all of my stuff in box butler storage instead of flying it back to CA. Meet Zach Braff and make the second Garden State. Go on a family vacation with Jay, King Bey, and Blue (oh and JT can tag along). Probably buy out Stumptown. Maybe buy myself some clothes that aren’t sweats. PUPPIES. Own a vineyard and a cheese company in Italy and be known for the best wine and cheese nights in history. Own a house in the midwest somewhere. Become head anchor alongside Anderson Cooper for CNN. Help people. Travel the world. Get a post-graduate education. Bring my family together for yearly christmas celebrations in Hawaii. More cheese.

Olivia Loving, On-Campus Writer

Pay off student loans (seems to be first on a lot of people’s list!). Set up a trust fund for my mom. Buy an apartment for myself in new york and a country home somewhere else (the midwest? maine?) and establish beautiful bookshelves in both. Like the kind you see on tumblr. Create a non-profit for kids and animals and donate half of my money to it. Travel to beautiful places and stay in medium-nice accommodation (not hostels but not really swanky places that prevent you from exploring on your own). On that note, establish a summer vacation home separate from my apartment and my country home. three seems good.

Peter Slattery, Entertainment Writer

I’d buy a lifetime supply of Muscle Milk, hella vitamins, a few fancy gym memberships, a personal trainer, horse steroids, four thousand “Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 Minutes” DVDs, my very own DJ to make killer EDM workout mixes, and a few kale shakes. Then all I’d have to do is lift and get big and to achieve a smokin’ hot bod.

[Original image via. Edited by Claire Voon]