Local Translates Tweets is a new series where we serve you the creme de la creme of celebrity-internet-insanity with a side of satire.
Ryan Lochte Translation: “I feel a kind of otherworldly inspiration, some new found fearlessness. It is as though a key has turned within me and a door has flung itself open allowing me to enter unto a new, higher realm within my mind But alas now I must return to banality of being filmed while swimming, such is the cruel march of life until we encounter the inevitable abyss of death #jeah”.
Translation: “They say it’s 2013 B.C…. or maybe A.C.? I mean A.D.? I’m not sure, but what does it matter, for time is but a human construction. We are all nothing more than sad phantoms wondering down the endless corridors of time. Everything around us, all sense of time and space is fundamentally meaningless.We are all mere apparitions, ultimately just shadows and dust. There is no past nor future so one should live in the present, and get with the modern age era.”
Translation: “My heart is heavy tonight, I can barely bring myself to tweet from the anguish. The channel up/down button on my remote got stuck and since I don’t sleep (because I am of course immortal) I have been watching CNN for 15 hours straight. Did you know there are two really bad things that could potentially happen to women? I’m not sure what they are because I’m half in the bag from combining nyquil and white wine, but two is one two many…..uh I don’t think that was quite how I wanted that to sound, but whatever I’m not gunna be LIGHTHEARTED about injustice! FYI GOP HAS MAN TEACHING THEM HOW “NOT TELL- oh, sorry guys, I just passed out.”
Translation: “I LOVE Kristen Wiig because she reminds me of myself. She’s a young, up-and coming-actress. I’m cute, funny, and totally relevant just like her. I mean, remember Mean Girls? and have you seen my lifetime movie? I’m killing it; ten years ago this is totally where I saw myself. Oh yeah, and sorry Meryl Streep about the necklace I stole from your house. This is my tenth arrest of 2013 alone, don’t mess with a legend because she presses charges”.
Translation: “This morning I hit the bong hard, so hard that I couldn’t remember where my hemp slippers were. I wondered outside to go find them when I began to feel the weirdest sensation. My body was suddenly hypersensitive. It was as though the soil was caressing the bare soles of my feet. It was so oddly sensual, like mother earth and I were engaged in cosmic foreplay. So I started to dance. In that moment felt so in connection with the like life forces, spirits, insects and shit like that. Then I heard mother earth calling to me from within, ‘kiss me, make love to me.’ And as I was tongue kissing a small hole in the ground I came on the verge of an incredible epiphany. I realized that all of our lives are somehow connected, like some sort of web or something. (Also, have you guys ever thought about how, like, grass is totally the earth’s hair?) But then got kinda tired from doing that much thinking and decided to take a nap facedown outside. What a productive day, Vote Peace & Freedom 2016 ☮.”
Translation: “I call my BDSM dungeon the elevator.”
[Images courtesy of the author.]