Let’s Play Fuck, Marry, Kill With The Summer Music Festival Lineups

Over Winter Break, some of America’s largest music festivals began announcing their lineups. As with every year, these announcements were met by the Internet with varying degrees of glee, outrage, and “meh”s, depending on the perceived “strength” of each upcoming festival’s roster of musical acts.

As college students, we’re the target audience for things that involve music, drugs and outrageous prices. Though each festival varies in vibe, genre and price range, NYU Local is here as always to make your decisions for you.

We’ve taken three of the festivals that have recently released lineups and slotted them into the age old “Fuck One, Marry One, Kill One” scenario. Of course, one cannot procreate with, propose to, or murder an event, but for our purposes, “fuck” means attending the festival once, “marry” means attending for the rest of your life, and “kill” means terminating the festival forever. Get your proverbial trojans ready.

Fuck One
Primavera Sound, Barcelona, May 22-26

As its lineup shows, Primavera is all about the “now” factor. Mixing buzzy acts with hip reunions (most notably the shit-your-pants-worthy inclusion of My Bloody Valentine), this Spanish bombshell of a music festival seems just right for a hot one (or three) night stand. Last year’s lineup was assuredly sexy too, but this year the organizers seem to have their fingers on the throbbing pulse of new releases, with new material due from almost every band included.

Boner-ific acts include: the aforementioned MBV reunion, Death Grips’ only upcoming festival appearance, Spanish DJ John Talabot playing to a hometown crowd, The Knife (due to their recent, epic return), Swans’ impending sludge-fest, and to our knowledge, the only festival appearance in the history of Mount Eerie.

Marry One
Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, Indio, CA, April 12-14 and 19-21

Ok, so Coachella’s lineup is almost unarguably weaker than its Spanish counterpart, but if there’s a consistent music festival in the world, it’s Coachella. Along with Lollapalooza (which has yet to announce its lineup), ‘Chella is mostly responsible for the huge growth in American music festivals over the past ten years (you hippies at Bonnaroo are forgotten). It’s become so popular that its organizers expanded it last year to include a second, identical weekend, causing an uproar amongst Indigo purists. What 2013’s lineup lacks in buzz-worthy sex appeal, it makes up for in old dude cred (what with Stone Roses, Nick Cave, Blur, Lou Reed and New Order), so it’s safe to say your dad would approve of this marriage.

This year, domestic bliss comes in the form of: seeing what Karen O wears during her Yeah Yeah Yeahs set, a (hopefully) “Loutallica”-free Lou Reed set, a sure-to-be-riotous Descendents reunion, and buzzy rapper upon buzzy rapper (2 Chainz, Danny Brown, Earl Sweatshirt, Action Bronson, and Raider Klan to name a few).

Kill One
The Governor’s Ball Music Festival, Randall’s Island, NYC, June 7-9

It’s hard to start a successful music festival in NYC. Liberty State Park’s All Points West festival was cancelled after just two years, last year’s Catalpa NYC was a money-leaking failure, and even Electric Zoo has had to change its location due to overcrowding. That being said, Governor’s Ball has done a pretty good job of holding it down over the last two years. The only foreseeable problem with 2013 is the lineup. While one headliner still remains to be announced (we’re guessing The Strokes, Phoenix, or Daft Punk), the fact remains that whoever organized this festival thinks that Kings of Leon deserve a headlining spot. The other known headliner, though undeniably talented, will probably just focus on announcing pregnancies and running through as many of his hits as possible, rather than playing a good show. On top of that, the festival’s second-tier acts (The xx, Feist, Beach House, The Lumineers) have live shows that make yawning seem entertaining.

Exceptions to the shitty lineup: Kendrick Lamar, Death From Above 1979, Crystal Castles and Dirty Projectors. It might still be worth your money.

Whatever your festival of choice, NYU Local hopes you are able to make it out to one this summer, because whatever the lineup, outdoor zones of lawlessness are always pretty awesome.

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